Officer, It’s 5AM and I Can’t Find My Car
Ah, Autumn. That glorious time of year when we try to ignore the perpetual par-tay going on in our neighborhood, flinging our upstairs door open at night to let the not-watered-down air waft in while we sleep.
WHEN we sleep. It isn’t easy to get much shut-eye when people are talking on the sidewalk in front of the house at 5AM. It sounds more like they’re in bed with us, a particularly creepy sensation when the conversation is being had by two men, one of whom is obviously a cop.
I don’t think I dreamed this up in the wee hours. MTM, who rises earlier than anyone I’ve ever met, confirmed that he heard the mumblings from his drafting table in the front bedroom, too. The conversation was hilarious. It went something like this.
DUDE: Officer, I can’t find my car.
COP: Is this where you parked it, Sir?
DUDE: It was around, um, 2 when I parked it. I THINK I parked it here.
COP: Uh-huh. Pause. Sir, do you believe your car has been stolen?
DUDE: Um, dunno. It just isn’t here anymore.
DUDE sounds like he is peering around frantically, throwing his voice all over the place.
COP: Are you sure this is where you parked it, Sir?
DUDE: It LOOKS familiar.
Another pregnant pause.
DUDE: Um. Yes.
Impatience now creeps into COP’s voice.
COP: Sir, do you know your license plate number so that we can trace the vehicle?
DUDE is clearly taxing his brain here.
DUDE: Nope. Don’t know it.
COP: Sir, why were you parking your car in this neighborhood at 2AM if you don’t live here?
DUDE, instantaneous response: I’mnotbuyingdrugs.
COP, in intimidating “I can arrest you” tone: Sir, who were you visiting in this neighborhood?
COP: Can you point out the house, Sir? Is it on this block? Do you even know WHERE you are, Sir?
DUDE: I, um, can’t remember. I just need to find my car………
COP: Sir, exactly how do you want me to help you?
DUDE, excited: Maybe, um, you can ride me around the neighborhood in your police car? I might, you know, find MY car that way?
COP snickers audibly at this preposterous suggestion.
COP: Oh, I’ll give you a ride in my car, Sir. Why don’t you just follow me now.
And so off they walked, with COP likely cuffing DUDE in the process and carting his drunken and/or high rear-end to the slammer. This whole scene left me wondering….
Why doesn’t everyone want to live in Radcliffeborough?