Are You Jealous?
I’ve had to ask myself this question recently, as I deal with yet another volley of meanness from my grouchy old aunt. She sent back my Christmas gift to her last weekend, her latest passive aggressive move. (Well, Andra SAID she wanted to read that book anyway, Linda, so I may as well send it back to her.)
People who live to try to make others unhappy are miserable. I understand. And, it is more magnanimous of me to feel pity instead of anger. I get that, too. Even though, in truth, I’m vacillating between the two right now.
How many relationships do we blow in our lives because of jealousy, because we are too busy wanting what someone else has to remember what we ourselves have? Throughout my life, I have to admit that I’ve been jealous of certain people who crossed my path. It is hard sometimes not to look at others who seem to have everything or who made choices I wish I could redo and not be bitten with a twinge or several.
And, I wish I could have every one of those encounters back. To be happy for others’ success when I struggled. To congratulate the person who got the part I wanted. To have peace in knowing that just because I was alone and others were coupled didn’t make them enviable or me worthless.
I hope I do not approach the end of life filled with bitterness and envy over anything. We all have things that torture and elude us, however we may seem on the surface, whatever we may allow others to glimpse. May I always remember that fact when I look upon others.
And be happy.
Too Much is Just Enough: Genuine Happiness for Others
Jealousy is at the root of so many evils. As I grow older, the more I’m learning to let it go and let it be.
It has taken me a while to do that, too, Vera. It is freeing, though, isn’t it?
It is freeing on so many levels.
Being happy for others should be a basic tenant of being happy yourself. It’s fine to occasionally think that you would like to have things or be like someone else, that’s just human nature, just recognize it for what it simply is and move on.
If you are envious and jealous on an elevated basis, it will eat at you and make you think so much less of yourself and your own worth. There is nothing wrong with striving for things that you want that others may have, just make sure that your goal is the striving and not the envy of others.
Would I like to win the lotto, sure I would, but, I only play occasionally and recognize that it is just a fun, wishful thing to do. That is the attitude you have to have towards others good fortune, feel good for them and happy for their success.
Your own success can never be complete until you recognize that you are the only one that can measure it or achieve it; it has nothing to do with others and what they have or don’t have.
I guess this was first driven home to me by someone else, a friend I valued. I watched this person turn on anyone who had what she perceived to be more than she did, including, eventually, me. It was a stark and heartbreaking lesson for me on what jealousy can do to a person, and I have fought it in myself since. That’s not to say I still don’t struggle with it, but you’re right. It is best to be happy within ourselves.
I remember the story I told you of a former high school friend who seemed to me to have everything– two parent home, money, cute boyfriends, etc–being jealous of me, a girl from a single parent home in public housing because I had better grades than she.
No matter what she had, she wasted her time envying others. I never want to be like that.
You know, I have caught myself being envious of someone else’s life on many occasions and then, on closer inspection, discovered that they have as many or more problems that I have. Maybe they live in a beautiful house, but they don’t have the money to pay for it and it is in risk of foreclosure. Maybe they have a seemingly wonderful spouse and family – but the spouse is having an affair or one of the children has severe problems. Or maybe they are wildly successful in business or art, but that success only hide’s their substance abuse or abusive up-bringing.
There is always something we don’t see and there are always a myriad of driving forced that engineer what we do see. So while it is nice to window shop on other folk’s lives. i have seen nothing yet that I would want to take home.
Of course that doesn’t mean that my own life is perfect, far from it! But I have laid every brick myself and mixed the mortar with my blood. It is a structure of my own creation and I cannot, and should not, wish it away.
How true is this! Sometimes, I find myself envious of others. Their lives seem so much fabulous than my won goofy life, but I know that I don’t know the whole story. I’m still learning to embrace myself, the talents that I have, and all that I am.
…Ooops, my OWN goofy life. See what I mean?
You best me to it, Vera. I was going to go in and fix that one.
I think, in this case, this person is at the end of her life. She regrets many choices she made. She can’t undo them or relive her life. Therefore, she’s angry and takes that out on people she perceives to be happy. That whole blip I just wrote is sad, because, in so many ways, she really has had a wonderful life.
I think that we all have to battle with jealousy and envy from time to time. I agree with Michael, in that, while we may want what we see from the outside, we do not always see the full picture. I also agree with Lou, in that, we should not allow our jealousy or envy consume us.
I guess we are all envious of different things at different times in our life. Monetary wealth, things, wholesome family living, power, prestige, social status. The list goes on and on, and can be uniquely different, depending on the person and their situation. I do not want to come off overtly religious when I say this, however I believe that scripture teaches us that we should be content in the meantime. That has been a very hard lesson for me at times. It is so easy for me to compare my life to another, and to feel worthless and inadequate. It is easy for me to want what others have and to be jealous that they have it and I do not.
The thing I have had to learn is that my life is not their life. We all have our own unique journey and all we can do is the best we can with what we have. You have to have money to survive,and take care of the necessities of life, but it certainly does not buy happiness. Having things is nice but they do not buy happiness either. I heard a pastor say the other day that happiness is caused by external situations that happen to us. Joy is caused by something that is deep within our hearts and built upon our faith in something other than what this world has to offer.
Nothing wrong with quoting scripture, James. The Golden Rule is one of the best yardsticks for this behavior. If all we sow is envy and jealousy in our dealings with others, that’s all we’re going to get in the end.
“I heard a pastor say the other day that happiness is caused by external situations that happen to us. Joy is caused by something that is deep within our hearts and built upon our faith in something other than what this world has to offer.”
I like that, James! Joy is by far better than happiness! What a great way to explain the difference between the two.
Andra, I think what you are writing about is more than jealousy, but covetousness.
There is a reason that one of the 10 Commandments is “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
We as humans can always look over and see others with things or life circumstances which we desire.
Vera, Lou, Michael and James have already eloquently written all that I could say.
As far as I’m concerned, it just takes too much energy to want what others have. It’s hard enough to keep myself clear on what I truly want, without muddying up my brain with what others have.
In this case, I really do think I’m writing about jealousy. I can never fully spill it all when I’m writing about a real person.
Suffice it to say that I spent many, many years making wrong choices regarding men. It is a family trait; I’m not the only woman in my extended family who’s done this to ill effect. Or, perhaps it is a trait of women: some of us have to see how bad it can be before we will ever appreciate anything glorious.
Anyway, the person in question has cited my relationship with MTM in conversation on more than one occasion. At the end of her life, she wishes she had spent it finding true love, I suspect. It is very sad.
Sad state of affairs to be sure.
Not to be picky (but of course I am), but jealousy is a fear of losing something one has and envy is desiring what someone else has. Definitely not the same thing, though confusing the two is extremely common in our current culture.
You may be thinking jealousy in what you’re not writing, but all that you’ve written about here is envy.
Aren’t I a pain?
Not necessarily Bill. In someways you are correct, in insinuation. But not in actual execution.
Miriam Webster defines jealousy thusly
a) intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness,
b) disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
The fear one experiences with jealousy may not be of losing the actual “thing”, but of losing one’s place. And that is exactly what Andra is describing.
There you go, pain back at you! (And yes, I was an English major.)
Well, I was an architecture major…so I’m thinking we’re talking about a window made of adjustable glass louvers that control ventilation….oh, wait, that’s a jalousie……never mind!
MTM, you are one warped puppy. I knew I liked that about you! At least you didn’t call me a flying buttress!
None of you are pains. I love it when you get into these little debates on my blog. If everyone agreed with me all the time, I’d be bored.
And, I still think I’m right.
Just when you think the meanness is over, she heaps some more on you. Sorry she takes it out on you, but don’t take it personally, I think it is the fight that keep her thriving.
I agree, Alice. We’ve talked about that.
Speaking of which, do you think your Dad would enjoy the big Mark Twain tome? It will be free to him if he would like to have it. It only makes me angry looking at it on my night table.
So very well spoken…and how intuitive you are…but sometimes…just sometimes…I want to punch mean people in the face.
And I’m saying that with all the love I can muster on a Monday morning. Teehee, yes, I’m bad. (Perhaps punching them in the face is a bit much…but I’d love to shake some sense into them and tell them how mean I think they are, not that it would do any good.)
Lori, I cannot count the times I’ve had the SAME EXACT URGE.
You are not alone there.
You rock. You know why.
Also, I’m late in responding to your weekend post, but I’m in need of a new face cream. Tell me about Khiel’s. Tried a sample once and I liked it, but it wasn’t really enough to tell.
You’ve said people tell you that you look very young… so it must work. Even if the label told you that you are old.
Angie, here is what I currently use in the Kiehl’s line. I’ve used them for several years now and have always been happy with them both as good go-to products:
Abyssine Face Cream: http://www.kiehls.com/Abyssine-Cream-SPF-23/705,default,pd.html?start=5&cgid=face-moisturizers
Abyssine Eye Cream: http://www.kiehls.com/Abyssine-Eye-Cream/546,default,pd.html?start=13&cgid=face-eye
I also wear this sunblock every day: /www.kiehls.com/Ultra-Facial-Moisturizer-SPF-15/352,default,pd.html?start=14&cgid=face-moisturizers
Someone told me this morning that I look like I’m in my late twenties, and it is hard for them to think I would know anything about business. I’m serious. Sigh.
Part of the looking young thing is just genetic. My parents both look very young and always have. I’m not complaining.
Thanks for the 4-1-1. And for teaching me how to spell Kiehl’s.
Let me know how you like it.
Great photo for the topic, by the way.
Especially since it’s a topic that’s dead.
Andra, I am so sorry you are dealing with someone like this.
I have been the victim of cruel, family jealousy my whole life. Cruel is an understatement. It all came to a hideous head while my dear mom was on her death bed. The family member could not even behave herself then. Only this time, others saw what I had endured for years. They would never have believed me if I had told them. What some people carry around inside them is pure evil. Now that my mom is gone, this person is no longer in my life. I can still say that I love her, but I hate what she did to me. It was best to part ways. Nothing was ever going to change. I wish nothing but love to her, but we are done.
She is wealthy, has the most amazing husband, and a family who loves her, yet she is not happy unless she is the center of everything. It is sad to see someone with so much be so ill and jealous inside. She has hated me her whole life because I was adopted, and in her mind I shouldn’t have been there.
You mentioned the person is at the end of her life. So is the person that was so mean to me. I, personally, think that is the saddest part of all. The boys and I volunteered at a nursing home, and it was so interesting to see how different the residents were. I think in my mind, I had expected people of that age to be kind and wise by then. We loved them all, but it definitely took longer to get through the hardness of some and get to know them. I learned one of the most important lessons of my life at the nursing home. I realized that we need to be careful with our hearts and what we let enter them because they will harden and freeze like that when you are older. You know how when you were little and made a face someone would always say not to do that because your face will freeze like that? Well, it wasn’t our faces we needed to worry about us much as our hearts. It was very eye opening in how important my day to day heart and attitude choices in life were.
Tammy, this becomes something when I let it. I know I shouldn’t let the little things this person does get to me, but sometimes they just do. And, I can’t just switch it off like it isn’t there or treat it like it doesn’t hurt when it does.
It sounds like this sort of thing is common in families. I’m sorry you endured such a thing. It is always interesting to me that the people who have the least reason to behave this way are usually the people who do it. The person in my life has traveled the world, won numerous awards for her accomplishments, held exalted positions of leadership, created lovely things and has an extended family who has always doted on her.
There’s not a like button on here but I very much like and agree with your comment.
Which part?
All of it.
I think many older people who are mean or spiteful are that way because they are bitter about missed opportunities. Lots of children and playful and happy because they see a life before them full of possibilities and dreams. But, as many near death, all they see is a life wasted and no hope of their dreams coming true. The squandered their lives and they fear what comes next.
The old folks I love to be around are those who made the most of their time, lived full lives, and embrace every second they still have. They understand the precious nature of what we say and do, and so even as the end approaches they go towards it with a smile.
Me? I plan to chase the nurses around the old folks home until they have to drag me away!
The vision of you chasing nurses around the home made me laugh loudly. Thank you.
Better watch out or I will get you too! Gonna soup up my wheel chair and going speeding around the halls. Run into those nurses just right and they will plop down into my lap. The I will wheel around and go speeding away. Now if I could just find my teeth….