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The Dirty Hot Dog Man

Fenway Park is one of those mythic places in baseball, a place I dreamed of going since I was a little girl prostrated on the floor of the den watching baseball games with my Dad. He and I watched baseball. And, we played baseball. And, we talked baseball non-stop during the season. Reaching this bastion of baseball-dom was a fantasy come true for this baseball fan.

I landed in my seat in Fenway – all twelve inches of my cheapie in center field – and found I couldn’t have my ‘ode to my Dad’ moment. No overjoyed tears or unmitigated glee at finally reaching a milestone I craved since I was seven.

Blame it on the Dirty Hot Dog Man.

The Dirty Hot Dog Man did not show me his weenie. Oh no. He kept walking up and down our aisle trying to sell hot dogs out of a heated case he carried on his head. At first, I was impressed by the stadium vendors who carried everything on their heads: Cokes and waters and even individual portions of New England clam chowder.

Then, the Dirty Hot Dog Man showed up, and I vowed to never eat again in a public stadium setting. In one hand, he carried a wad of cash. You know, paper money? That thing that scientists say is filthy-dirty?

He used the other hand to whip out a bun and insert a hot dog, making a big deal of keeping the dirty wad of cashola away from the food. When somebody paid him, though, he used both hands to flip through all the cash and give change, rendering all his careful assembly pointless. I mean, if he sold 500 hot dogs, think about how many times he touched that polluted fistful of cash.


Dirty Hot Dog Man, you cured me of my desire to ever consume another hot dog at a ball game. Anywhere. Ever. Though, I must confess, if my Dad had been there, he would’ve had two.

Too Much is Just Enough: Washing Your Freaking Hands



28 Comments Post a comment
  1. Lou Mello #

    Some things are better left to the imagination, then reality steps in and ruins it for you.

    I love baseball and have had RiverDogs tickets the last couple of years, I always go to the concession stands rather than buy from the few folks that walk around. Makes it a bit easier to handle.

    I hope the Fenway experience was good otherwise, that would be a great place to watch a game.

    April 13, 2011
    • Ball game was good. We left early to beat the traffic to the subway.

      You are wise to go to the window at the stadium, Lou. Lots of people were doing that at Fenway in lieu of buying from the walking vendors. We didn’t buy anything at the game.

      April 13, 2011
  2. Yuck. Money is pretty dirty. Otherwise, did you enjoy Fenway? I’m not much of a baseball person, but I know the Red Sox are off to a horrible start, and the fans are in a frenzy.

    April 13, 2011
    • And, they lost again last night.

      We had fun. I always like to sing Take Me Out as loudly as I can, much to the dismay of everyone around me. :)

      April 13, 2011
      • Lou Mello #

        Good for you, that is always a song I sing at the game, and you have to sway as you sing and punch the air when you sing ONE, TWO, THREE Strikes You’re out at the old ball game!!

        April 13, 2011
      • I always sway!! But, I will do the air punch technique next time.

        With my clean fists.

        April 13, 2011
      • I love singing that. I need to go see the Riverdogs, but not opening day–way too crowded.

        April 13, 2011
      • We usually go several times a year and argue over whether boiled peanuts are edible or not. I guess some would say if I will eat boiled peanuts, I may as well eat dirt.

        April 13, 2011
      • Perhaps we should have a baseball meet up a The Joe…

        April 13, 2011
      • I think that would be fun, and everyone could watch MTM choose between the hot dog and the boiled peanut.

        April 13, 2011
  3. Baseball – yuck. But I must admit that I have also been to Fenway and toured the Green Monster. It was pretty cool. Nancy and I were there for a Train concert. And sorry, that is no “bad Michael railroad joke.” It actually was Train. They were performing for us as part of a Microsoft conference.

    As for the dog and the money. That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I would have had no qualms about eating the hot dog. I am sure whatever that dog was made out of would have killed any per germ that had the bad luck to land on it.

    April 13, 2011
    • See? I just do not get that. Eating dirt is all just a part of the big ole American past time? Yucky-yuck.

      I bet a tour of Fenway is pretty cool. MTM was fascinated with the urban setting of it, and how lots of people probably come and hang out to watch the game without ever going inside.

      April 13, 2011
  4. mtm #

    Here goes my headfirst slide into second…The closest I can come to eating dirt at the ballpark is to consume true peanuts….roasted in the shell…shells and all. I love them that way! As for hot dogs, dirty or not, I’d almost rather eat one of them than to let a slimy gummy boiled peanut cross my lips. And since it has been over 25 years since I have had a hot dog, I guess that means I’ll be eating my next boiled peanut in, say, 2036.

    April 13, 2011
    • Ok, I am buying you a hot dog at the next ball game – from the roving, money-touching vendor – and will give you a choice: the boiled peanut or the nasty hot dog. :)

      April 13, 2011
    • Lou Mello #

      I’m with you, Michael, we are the Northern agressors against the slimy “bald” peanut.

      April 13, 2011
  5. Foul Ball! You’re out, Mr. Dirty Hot-Dog Man!

    I don’t like baseball, but I like going to the games, drinking beer and eating “balled” peanuts.

    April 13, 2011
    • You and I should go to a game together then, and enjoy watching MTM choose between ‘balled’ peanuts and hot dog. :)

      April 13, 2011
      • Cheryl, that’s my kind of baseball watching.

        Also, Andra, this post reminds me of those Budweiser “real men of genius” commercials. I can hear that man now singing now… “Mr. Dirty Hotdog Man…

        April 13, 2011
      • I still see him rubbing the money on the hot dogs. Ick.

        April 13, 2011
  6. Andria #

    but…but…Fenway Park has gluten-free concessions! You could have gone to one of the stands inside the park and gotten GF beer, hot dog buns, etc…and food service staff with easy access to sinks and soap. I’m no sports fan, but if I went to a baseball game a hot dog and beer would be mandatory. But no, I wouldn’t want to eat anything that came from a box on the head of the dirty hot dog man. And boiled peanuts are awesome.

    April 13, 2011
    • We ate at The Elephant Walk right before the game, thanks to your awesome recommendation. We both enjoyed it very much. Thank you!! It was way better than a hot dog.

      April 13, 2011
      • andria #

        Oh, good! I’m so glad y’all enjoyed Elephant Walk. SUCH an eclectic (and yummy) menu.

        April 13, 2011
      • It was so amazing to be able to eat anything on one side of the menu without thinking about it.

        April 13, 2011
  7. I believe, technically, according to FDA rules and regulations, up to four cents worth of dirty, grubby, paper money is allowed to be in the hot dog!


    April 13, 2011
    • Ok, you made both MTM and me laugh out loud. Probably very true. :)

      April 13, 2011
      • Besides, it just adds protein. Something most hotdogs really don’t have much of.

        April 14, 2011
      • True.

        April 14, 2011

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