Blackballed from the Secret Society of the Uterus
In the aftermath of yesterday’s events, Andra is feeling a bit out of sorts, so I am honoring her sacrifice by putting up one of her all-time favorite posts, this farce on The Secret Society of the Uterus. If there is one genre of theater that Andra loves to perform in more than any other, it is the good old British farce. As an actress she can certainly play any of these roles, and I have had the singular pleasure of hearing her sound them out in her very own voice. The post was part of a series: if the repartee strikes a chord, please follow the link to this post and read forward.
The Secret Society of the Uterus: A Farce
The Cast of Characters:
I can’t WAIT to have something in my Uterus!
Look what I have in my Uterus RIGHT NOW!
You’ll never believe what just popped out of my Uterus!
You’re all rank amateurs. Let me tell you what’s walking and talking outside my Uterus!
Dear God, is it a sick, twisted joke that you even gave me a Uterus?
Thanks for meeting me here today, everybody. I thought it might be fun to have lunch with you all because, well, I have an announcement. I……
OHMYGOD, my ovulation reminder just went off, and I’m ovulating RIGHT NOW, and I know you were just going to tell us about, um – something – but I ordered dude-in-my-life to meet me in the parking lot so we could have sex in the car AS SOON AS I GOT THIS REMINDER!
You know, if you try it upside-down, you have a better chance of conception. That’s what I did when I got the babe that just popped out of my Uterus. I think I spent so much time upside-down I staunched the blood flow to my head for, like, a couple of months. It makes my eye twitch. All the time. There. It’s doing it again. My eyeball. Do you see it?
Um, no. I don’t see anything………
What I can’t believe is that some geek can’t invent a gadget that can live stream the action that’s going on in my Uterus as we speak. I mean, look at this ultrasound shot. That profile. Doesn’t she look just like me? Right there? That nose? It’s mine, isn’t it?
Um, it all looks sort of, um, murky and….
She? Why would you find out what you’re having? I waited until the delivery room with all five of mine, and I’m so glad I did.
I’M STILL OVULATING OVER HERE!
Upside-down. It’s the only way I’m going to do it when I’m cleared to get busy. Hey, didn’t you just say something about having sex in a car in the parking lot? Which car?
Ow, the kid just kicked me in the bladder. Off to the bathroom. Again. The travails of those of us who have Something in our Uterus………
Thank God she’s gone. I mean, it’s only her first one. Wait ‘til the fifth. I can’t believe she is complaining about her need to pee. I’m not discounting your loss of blood to the head, Dear, but let ME tell you about my fourth pregnancy, the one where the kid almost ripped out my -
No, wait. I CANNOT hear about that right now. The trauma to my Uterus is all too recent. I almost died when they came in with that sharp -
I know exactly the thing you mean. When they put that on my -
Um, that sounds. Um, really bad. Um……great! Here’s our food! Let’s eat…..
I cannot believe how much water one body can make. Whew! So, really, why can’t some gadget guru build something that I can hook into my phone so that I can show everyone, everywhere, what’s going on in my Uterus? I bet I’d get thousands of hits a day on the internet.
WAIT! Your live-streaming idea. I wonder if anyone would want to see the Actual Merging of Particles in my Uterus? I bet LOTS of people would like to see how THAT happens.
I’m sure they would. It’s called pornography.
THE CONCEPTION OF MY CHILD IS NOT PORNOGRAPHY! YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE UTERUS! I’M LEAVING. RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE OHMYGOD I’M OVULATING! (Storms off.)
Good riddance to her. She’ll never have five children if she keeps up the Drama Queen routine.
Potty break! (Exits)
Hey. Isn’t that her ovulation calculator there on the table? She might need that later. I think I’ll take it out to her.
I bet she’s not doing it upside-down…let’s go make sure! (They exit)
Um, so, about my announcement….