Blackballed from the Secret Society of the Uterus
In the aftermath of yesterday’s events, Andra is feeling a bit out of sorts, so I am honoring her sacrifice by putting up one of her all-time favorite posts, this farce on The Secret Society of the Uterus. If there is one genre of theater that Andra loves to perform in more than any other, it is the good old British farce. As an actress she can certainly play any of these roles, and I have had the singular pleasure of hearing her sound them out in her very own voice. The post was part of a series: if the repartee strikes a chord, please follow the link to this post and read forward.
The Secret Society of the Uterus: A Farce
The Cast of Characters:
I can’t WAIT to have something in my Uterus!
Look what I have in my Uterus RIGHT NOW!
You’ll never believe what just popped out of my Uterus!
You’re all rank amateurs. Let me tell you what’s walking and talking outside my Uterus!
Dear God, is it a sick, twisted joke that you even gave me a Uterus?
—–Curtain Rises——
Thanks for meeting me here today, everybody. I thought it might be fun to have lunch with you all because, well, I have an announcement. I……
OHMYGOD, my ovulation reminder just went off, and I’m ovulating RIGHT NOW, and I know you were just going to tell us about, um – something – but I ordered dude-in-my-life to meet me in the parking lot so we could have sex in the car AS SOON AS I GOT THIS REMINDER!
You know, if you try it upside-down, you have a better chance of conception. That’s what I did when I got the babe that just popped out of my Uterus. I think I spent so much time upside-down I staunched the blood flow to my head for, like, a couple of months. It makes my eye twitch. All the time. There. It’s doing it again. My eyeball. Do you see it?
Um, no. I don’t see anything………
What I can’t believe is that some geek can’t invent a gadget that can live stream the action that’s going on in my Uterus as we speak. I mean, look at this ultrasound shot. That profile. Doesn’t she look just like me? Right there? That nose? It’s mine, isn’t it?
Um, it all looks sort of, um, murky and….
She? Why would you find out what you’re having? I waited until the delivery room with all five of mine, and I’m so glad I did.
I’M STILL OVULATING OVER HERE!
Upside-down. It’s the only way I’m going to do it when I’m cleared to get busy. Hey, didn’t you just say something about having sex in a car in the parking lot? Which car?
Ow, the kid just kicked me in the bladder. Off to the bathroom. Again. The travails of those of us who have Something in our Uterus………
Thank God she’s gone. I mean, it’s only her first one. Wait ‘til the fifth. I can’t believe she is complaining about her need to pee. I’m not discounting your loss of blood to the head, Dear, but let ME tell you about my fourth pregnancy, the one where the kid almost ripped out my -
No, wait. I CANNOT hear about that right now. The trauma to my Uterus is all too recent. I almost died when they came in with that sharp -
I know exactly the thing you mean. When they put that on my -
Um, that sounds. Um, really bad. Um……great! Here’s our food! Let’s eat…..
I cannot believe how much water one body can make. Whew! So, really, why can’t some gadget guru build something that I can hook into my phone so that I can show everyone, everywhere, what’s going on in my Uterus? I bet I’d get thousands of hits a day on the internet.
WAIT! Your live-streaming idea. I wonder if anyone would want to see the Actual Merging of Particles in my Uterus? I bet LOTS of people would like to see how THAT happens.
I’m sure they would. It’s called pornography.
THE CONCEPTION OF MY CHILD IS NOT PORNOGRAPHY! YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE UTERUS! I’M LEAVING. RIGHT NOW! BECAUSE OHMYGOD I’M OVULATING! (Storms off.)
Good riddance to her. She’ll never have five children if she keeps up the Drama Queen routine.
Potty break! (Exits)
Hey. Isn’t that her ovulation calculator there on the table? She might need that later. I think I’ll take it out to her.
I bet she’s not doing it upside-down…let’s go make sure! (They exit)
Um, so, about my announcement….
—-Curtain—-
Oldies but goodies, love the return of the SSOTU. But, just think how hard it all is on the poor guy to have to go through all this baby making stuff!!
Oh….? Right….! Never mind, I guess it’s not all that bad.
You might be surprised…
You would know, Lou. You do have a daughter.
Take it easy!
Thanks, Vera. Propped up on pillows now.
Ah, I remember this post. This post (when it was originally posted), kicked me in the pants, slowed me down, and helped me with my auto pilot and made me a much better listener. Andra, I truly am a better person for reading your blog and getting to know you and all your friends on here.
Your writing does make a difference.
Lori, thank you these words. In my darkest moments, when I doubt myself the most, it helps to have them.
I enjoyed this more today (the 3rd or 4th time I’ve read it now), and more so for having read many subsequent posts.
I’m absolutely in full agreement with Lori’s final comment today…. It makes more difference than you can possibly know, Andra, when post after post (whether it’s new or renew(d), causes us to think, to remember, to reevaluate to reconsider or to bend an opinion previously held.
I’m glad you enjoyed it more this time around.
I know that ENTIRE cast of characters ~ listening to them is awful funny (and also just awful)!
Like “Dear God,” I’m dressed in basic black.
Hope you feel better soon!
Since I wrote this one, I haven’t had to endure any of these encounters. Though, I’m sure I have more of them in store.
When I first posted this, I hid under the bed for most of the morning. I was so scared of what would be said. I ended up being not so bad.
Hilarious! Hope you’re feeling well…
Mostly okay. Just a little tired and sore. Sitting at my desk working now, so can’t be too bad.
I agree with Karen: the more you read the truer this rings. Inspired piece of writing. And incredibly courageous.
It was fun to write, too.
Great re-read girl. As I can relate…….Keep blogging.
Thanks, Emily. I hope things are well in Texas. You always entertain me on Facebook. Another one of those ‘so glad I became friends with somebody I didn’t know’ moments.
This is freaking hilarious, Andra! I’m the voice in the purple font.
Congratulations on your impending little one.