Skip to content

Your Cheatin’ Heart

Concerned. That’s what I am. I am concerned. In the middle of the night, I awake to find myself in a barren wasteland of a bed, alone.   At first, I tried sleeping in the middle to keep his side warm for MTM, but he is always gone too long. His moods are shifty when he returns. Sometimes, he flops on his side, asleep on contact, contentment pulsating from his aura. If he isn’t happy, I wake up to snatches of garbled incoherence, his sleeping brain whispering about timing, oooooooooooooo and the number four or five. He slices through the sheets on those nights, shifting and sighing through the insomniac dance of the unsatisfied.

Nighttime isn’t the only worrisome spot in our formerly harmonious household. One night last week, he walked into the house from work, forgot to kiss me, and vanished into the bathroom for seventeen minutes. I heard him muttering in there, followed by a moan, a squeal and a lightning flush of the toilet. He emerged, face red and eyes spinning in their sockets, and hummed with a stupid grin on his face while assembling our dinner. Before anything was plated, he visited the bathroom again.

!

Are you sick? I asked through the bolted door. I mean, you don’t need to make dinner if you’re not feeling well I continued, hopeful.

I’m fine he said with a distracted air. Can you stir the risotto?

I stomped back to the kitchen, seasoning the bubbling rice with simmering resentment. This cannot go on I said to myself.

Only, I must’ve muttered it out loud, because MTM was standing right beside me, cradling my iPad, his face blooming with an ecstatic grin.

She thought she’d beaten me at Words With Friends. Triple-word ‘qi’ -ha! She will be sorry she EVER challenged me to a scrabble-like word game. I will destroy her. Your mother will NEVER vanquish me! HA-hahahahahahahaha!

My mother went on to win that game.

MTM has been in the bathroom or awake in the middle of the night ever since. He won’t let it happen again.

Sigh.

63 Comments Post a comment
  1. Ah Ha! the Shadow Ninja is human after all, vanquished by Madame Linda, Queen Mother and master of the word universe. This must be sooooooo hard for the Shadow (not so) Ninja to lose at words of all things. A man whose life is defined by preciseness, whether it be words or armatures….they must be correct.

    I understand there is a new app that will allow the entirety of Wikipedia to be downloaded directly into one’s brain…perhaps the time in the bathroom and the restlessness in the bed is a result of this implantation.

    Beware of nonsensical word spewing until he learns to control his new power.

    The power of words:

    January 9, 2012
    • He actually told me over breakfast this morning that there are lists online of words and their corresponding scores. He was furious that such a thing would exist when he is trying to play under his own brain power only. Then, he promptly wondered how he could ever use the word ‘jukebox’ (the highest scoring word on said list) in a game……….

      January 9, 2012
      • Jukebox Hero he would be, yes? says Yoda.

        January 9, 2012
      • He’s never been able to play that word. But, he’s DYING to get the right letters for it now.

        January 9, 2012
  2. Just don’t let him get on any planes.

    See: Baldwin, Alec.

    January 9, 2012
  3. Oh dear. I am playing the Words With Friends with my mother-in-law as well. The guilt I have felt for besting her by two hundred points will someday manifest itself into a walking nightmare too.

    January 9, 2012
    • MTM has no guilt about beating his mother-in-law. He is dreaming of words, words, words. :)

      January 9, 2012
  4. Ah, I was feeling a little like a voyeur, but breathed a sigh of relief when I read on to find it was only MTM playing with words – not playing with other, uh, things… Ha. :) Too funny.

    January 9, 2012
    • He is a maniac about words, Lori. Constantly doing crosswords and such. I won’t play any form of word game with him, because I always come away from it feeling like I never learned anything.

      January 9, 2012
  5. Nancy #

    I live with a man like that also. In the middle of the night his iPad will chirp because it is Michael’s turn to play a word in his scrabble game. If he hears it he plays. no matter the our.

    January 9, 2012
    • I sleep so soundly that I tend not to hear the thing chirp. Thank God.

      Carnell should be ashamed………

      January 9, 2012
      • Who me? Would I do that? Would I have challenges running with multiple people and be intent on not losing? Not me, I say!

        Oh, and by the way, Amanda cheats.

        January 9, 2012
      • We all know you would do that, Carnell. I’ve seen you with your iPhone, remember? You were probably playing at lunch the other day.

        And, I do not believe Amanda cheats.

        January 9, 2012
      • Thank you Andra, for the support. I do not cheat. Carnell is a sore loser!

        January 9, 2012
      • Ha! :)

        January 9, 2012
      • She cheats! She uses weird English words and those “helpful” websites.

        January 10, 2012
  6. Oh oh oh!!! I’ve GOT to win the battle with my phone to download this game. It will be SO fun once I can play. That’s just hilarious. (And props to your Mom!)

    January 9, 2012
    • If MTM (and Alec Baldwin) are any indication, it is very addictive. I try not to look at it.

      January 9, 2012
  7. Melissa Flynn #

    I just laughed out loud! I love MTM–oh, gotta love the OCD in all of us. Uh, er, I mean, focus…extreme focus and competitive spirit. Tell him kudos, way to put his mother-in-law in her place. ;) Ha.

    January 9, 2012
  8. Bwahaha! Great post, Andra. He’s mixing it up with your mother while you’re stuck stirring the risotto.

    Words are AWESOME . . . but I like to retire them for the evening and dream in pictures. :D

    January 9, 2012
  9. Just before I read this blog post i played my turn in four Words with Friends. I love that and scrabble on Facebook. If anyone wants a good whoopin feel free to challenge me. ;)

    January 9, 2012
    • Stop telling him you play!!! You are NOT helping me.

      January 9, 2012
      • oooops, I let the word out of the bag, so to speak. Giggle. :)

        January 9, 2012
  10. Jill Clary Stevenson #

    I have been playing WWF with an old high school friend for several weeks now and she consistently beats me. I understand how MTM feels – last night I thought of words I could play today when I recieved Paula’s play. I recently found out there is a cheat app for this game but would never use it (I’m serious). The fun is in using your brain. No one at my house will play Scrabble with me because I am so competitive. Anyone out there want to start a game with me??!!!

    January 9, 2012
    • How is he possibly going to resist this challenge, Jill? Someone who plays just like he does……….I am never going to see him again.

      January 9, 2012
    • Linda Watkins (Mom) #

      Meeeee! Lindaw622 is my moniker.

      January 9, 2012
      • Go Mama Watkins! This post is too funny.

        January 10, 2012
      • Don’t egg her on. :)

        January 10, 2012
    • Jill, you should play with my mother (though I cannot say whether or not she uses the elsewhere profaned internet cheating tools……)

      January 9, 2012
  11. I played it for a bit then I found out about all the cheating sites out there and it stole some of the fun from the game for me. I will stick to playing Scrabble on a board from here on out!

    January 9, 2012
    • I won’t even play that with MTM unless I want to feel like the most stupid person who ever walked the earth.

      January 9, 2012
      • yeah, he seems like the type who could destroy me with words!

        January 9, 2012
      • Having a good grasp on the English vocabulary is key. The other concept that I had to learn in order to win was word placement. NEVER place a word that will allow someone to make a double or triple word score. Well, sometimes you are forced to do it but it is best if you can stay away from it. :) Word placement is almost as important as using high count letters in the right place.

        January 9, 2012
      • He does all those strategies and techniques. I almost cried when I played Upwords with him and his brother David. Really. Cried. I was so humiliated.

        January 9, 2012
  12. Zax was my favorite Scrabble word. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/zax. I cherished it for years and would not share it with anyone.

    January 9, 2012
    • Oh Lord. Now Mom and MTM will be battling to use it……..

      January 9, 2012
      • Well, it might be fun to watch the melee!

        January 9, 2012
      • I’m sure it would be, in an ancient Roman kind of way……

        January 9, 2012
      • Another good word when you have too many Es

        January 9, 2012
  13. Now: MTM is one step ahead of us. We have never played virtual scrabble with anyone outside the house: we just play scrabble together in the evening, using that amazing iPad version. MTM, what have you begun….

    January 9, 2012
    • If you and Phil start playing with him, I suspect I will never see him again. MTM: DO NOT reveal your handle. DO. NOT.
      :)

      January 9, 2012
      • mtm #

        And I was just girding myself to switch from my porn-inspired blogs to scrabble porn…oh well, I guess I’ll stick with what’s working for me.

        January 9, 2012
  14. Wanda Parrott #

    Believe me! If there’s a cheating tool out there, my sister Linda has found it and uses it. We can’t play Scrabble anymore. We’re both too competitive.

    January 9, 2012
    • I don’t want to play anything with her, either. I play gin and Yahtzee with MTM, only because he takes pity on me and lets me win sometimes.

      January 9, 2012
    • Linda Watkins (Mom) #

      I have not even looked for a cheating tool, sister, but you are right about our being competitive.

      January 9, 2012
      • Please start fighting on my blog. It will help my numbers. :)

        MTM just returned the iPad to me. Your move.

        January 9, 2012
      • mtm #

        I am staying out of this cat fight, but will watch from the sidelines, hoping that you will be distracted and lose your focus on the game and set me up for a massive triple word score along the left side….no pressure.

        January 9, 2012
      • She’s beating you again, isn’t she?

        January 9, 2012
  15. I love word games of all types. Wife won’t play them with me anymore. I was playing scrabble online, but had 12-15 games going at once and it got too OC, so I had to stop – or end the marriage. I really miss her! Just kidding … gosh!!!

    January 9, 2012
    • Right now, MTM just plays with my Mom. I am hoping it stays that way, though I am sure he’s received other requests today………

      12 – 15 games at once is a lot. How did you keep up with so many?

      January 9, 2012
      • It was actually a huge burden with that many games. It was also before I started blogging, which takes up almost all my spare time and then some. I need tips to streamline how much time I spend reading and writing, but I do love it.

        I’m a bit on the dull side, but is MTM initials for your partner in time?

        January 10, 2012
      • MTM is my husband’s initials, yes. I explained it once, and people complained that I was lifting the veil too much. :) Anyone who spends much time here figures it out.

        January 10, 2012
  16. I haven’t played a single e-game (other than angry birds) and that’s because my kids found that one. I’m afraid to find another hobby. I actually actively avoid anything further that I think I might enjoy enough to want to spend time on it. Blogging’s taken all I’ve got left after the kids. :)

    January 9, 2012
    • Totally understandable, Tricia. I have an excuse to spend more time on my blog and writing, too, while MTM is preoccupied. :)

      January 9, 2012
  17. Brilliant! The bathroom! I needed a good ruse for advancing my game from work! Thanks for the suggestion! Debra

    January 10, 2012
  18. Hi Andra! I totally understand MTM. The bathroom is the only place where a good addictive game can be properly performed.

    January 10, 2012
    • Well, I know he agrees with you, Gustavo, because he’s there all the time now. :)

      January 10, 2012
  19. More evidence that neither my husband nor I need to be ANYWHERE near that game. Bless you for that.

    January 10, 2012
    • MTM will play enough for both of you, Cameron, I’m sure. :)

      January 10, 2012

Talk Amongst Ourselves

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 15,477 other followers

%d bloggers like this: