The Price of True Friendship
Friendship. It’s a scary precipice for me. How many true friends do we have in life? What does letting people beyond the veneer give us, especially when it seems so few people really want to be included? Why does life rob us of the microscopic few who choose to bite off our issues and neuroses?
The wake of my life is littered with failed friendships. A person I knew most of my life chose a different fork in the trail and ended up walking away from me. Sometimes, I still want to tell her my innermost thoughts in the moments before I realize I can’t. There’s the investment I made in a person who cut everyone to shreds, including me, but it took me years to realize the folly of that relationship. The end wasn’t pretty or clean. My biggest failure was in helping someone through the burning trials of unhappy hell, only to be cast aside when life turned rosy.
I’m not blameless in these situations. For most of my life, I’ve had a tendency to think people want focused intensity in interactions, that by sharing some of my innermost self with others, they will gravitate to me or somehow want to know me better. Consequently, I’m afraid I smother people.
A little over a decade ago, I met a girl with weird architect glasses and the thickest long hair I’d ever seen. Like me, she grew up in a blip on the South Carolina map, but I guess the real reason I reached out to her was her spirit. In scant glimpses, it sought the best in others at a time when I was surrounded with negative energy. I’ve never questioned why she was placed in my path. We often joke about how she is the female version of MTM. I like to think knowing Alice helped me see MTM when he cut through one steamy July afternoon.
Over the course of a decade, I got married. She had Cayleigh, one of the true delights of my life. I started a business. She became a partner in a thriving architecture practice. Being a few months apart in age, we synchronized our dissatisfaction with how we spent our working lives. Her willingness to listen to my crazy journey to become a published author probably kept me sane. I have yet to reach that goal.
She’s hit her mark, though. One of the first things she told me when we met was how much she wanted to teach architecture at the college level. This month, she is moving to Baton Rouge to take a position on the faculty at LSU.
When we love someone, we want them to be happy, even if it means we’re bereft. Lost. Malnourished. My weekly lunches and other conversations with Alice have become necessary food for my soul.
The true price of friendship is the cost of that need. Life has a habit of exploiting the needs we dare to have.
For my birthday this year, Alice gave me time, a day for us to spend doing whatever I wanted. My series in the coming days will flutter around those hours and a few others, all in celebration of a friendship I treasure. Wherever it goes from here, the wake behind us is a thing of graceful beauty. A thing I didn’t smother. A thing I hope I’ve done well.
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
- September J Roald Smeets | J. Roald Smeets
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- Blasting Fireworks in the Cemetery « The Accidental Cootchie Mama
- Through The Corridors of Time « The Accidental Cootchie Mama
- Bloom Where You Are Planted « The Accidental Cootchie Mama
- Should We? « The Accidental Cootchie Mama
- Fly Me To The Moon « The Accidental Cootchie Mama
- Leadership Thought #384 – How Strong Are Your Relationships? « Ed Robinson's Blog
*sniff*
It takes me a long time to realize old friends are giving me the kiss-off. I keep trying to resuscitate, when they’ve already signed the DNR.
I’m the same way, Roxanne. Loyal to relationships to my detriment. To me, the history is always worth something, until I realize it isn’t.
I’ve come to believe that true friends double our joy and divide our grief…even if the joy is bidding them farewell. I’m sad for you as Alice moves away following her journey. But I’m sure your life threads are not broken–stretched and strengthened hopefully. Ellen
Ellen, I’m determined for stretched and strengthened to be part of this journey. I’m thankful that I have a friendship that makes me feel this way.
When friends move to other places or we move on ourselves, it creates a new dynamic, not good or bad, just different. We have wonderful friends that we only see occasionally, but, we each know we can reach out anytime to them for whatever we need to talk about. Granted, it is nicer to be able to walk down to the coffee shop and see a friend at the drop of a hat, but, you and Alice will make it work. Besides, now you have another fun place to visit.
It costs eleventy-billion dollars to fly from Charleston to Baton Rouge, Lou. (Okay, maybe not that much, but it is freaking expensive.) I’m going in October, because Cayleigh has already proclaimed that I HAVE to take her to get her pumpkin, and I won’t miss that for anything.
My take away from this… LSU!! Baton Rouge! Where I was born and the mascot for whom I am named. You did indeed choose a few friends wisely. And she is your co-conspirator in the BBQ raid on Hemingway a week or two ago. Sounds like a winner to me.
And let me tell you, I am more than happy (and a little amazed at times) to call you friend.
Ah yes. The BBQ raid will be a post in the series, most likely.
You have done it well – as you do most things. Thank you my friend. I too treasure my time with you. And all that moving to Baton Rouge will do is make us treasure it more. I’ll just have to make sure I don’t read these posts in public, because I am not pretty when I cry.
I cried writing it, but at least I get to do that in private.
Because of you, I had the opportunity to meet Alice. Because of Alice, I finally downloaded Angry Birds on my phone. And now Dillon is happy. One example of the unknown ripple effects of a true friendship.
What’s funny about this comment is how long it took Alice to GET her own cell phone.
Well she certainly sold Angry Birds!
I’ve had one lifetime truly best friend. Carol. She is now reading your blog because of your friendship with me. And yesterday when I finally called her back after a few weeks of mutual telephone tag, we had a grand chat and she said how much she is enjoying your blog.
It doesn’t matter where I am or how long it has been between conversations. It doesn’t matter that they are on the phone or face to face. All my conversations with Carol are essential. I wonder if that is because we have known each other almost as long as I’ve known my siblings? Because we’ve seen each other through the fires of hell too?
At this point I really don’t care. I just love her and cherish her with all my heart. And can’t wait to do a car trip to the Washington, DC area with her. It’s gonna be a cross between Thelma and Louise and A Trip to Bountiful.
These are the best friendships, Cheryl. It is always a blessing to connect on that level and nurture that tie through whatever life does to us.
When are you going to DC? That sounds like it will be quite a trip.
It won’t be until the fall or winter. Her children have only just moved there and are still getting settled.
I love seeing DC in the snow.
Ah, your friendship is to be treasured (I’ve not felt smothered at all); and, as Angie has pointed out the “ripples” have extended far and wide for me since reconnecting with you — I chat with folks I’ve met because of you, and, though I may never meet them face-to-face, I feel their friendship nonetheless.
My bff has worn that designation for more than 40 years, but we have only been in close geographic proximity for maybe half that time . . . makes no never mind in the overall scheme of things. We call one another and pick up the threads as if we’d just had lunch together the day before. True friendships always endure.
One of the things I’m proudest of about this blog is how it has become a community of people who like to see each other. So many of you have connected in other platforms and feel like friends, and it is humbling that this blog contributed to making that happen.
That is a gift from you to us!
This one hit me hard this morning. I wish I weren’t going to be on vacation so I could read each and every entry the minute that it hit the internet, but alas, I will have to wait until I come back (I have a difficult time living without the internet).
This is a lovely piece Andra. You always make me think and feel. Some people are lights to us moths…you are a light so please don’t mind if I flutter around you.
Thanks buddy, I knew you wouldn’t mind.
Lori, I hope you and Mike are going someplace fabulous and relaxing for your vacation. I too have difficulty turning off the internet, so I completely understand.
The notion that I am a light to anyone brought a tear, Lori. Thank you.
I moved away from my best friend over 20 years ago – we still talk by phone almost daily. Even though we don’t get to see each other very often, we know where each other lives and so it’s easy to imagine being with her when we’re on the phone. When we are able to get together, often our pesky husbands become irritated with us because we share such a long history (48 years of friendship!) and tend to talk about things, and people that they don’t know. If more than two days go by without hearing from each other, one of us will call the other and make sure everything is ok. I know where her daughter (my godchild) is right now (with her boyfriend in Chicago!) and she knows that I am having teenage son problems. Our husbands do know and understand the depth and intensity of our friendship. We have been through all of life’s phases together – birth of children, death of parents, husbands and friends – and I can’t imagine my life without her. Lovely post to friends, Andra. I wish Alice and you lots of fun in your new, long distance relationship.
Jill, I wish I enjoyed talking on the phone. Maybe I will with Alice once it’s the only way I can have lunch with her.
Or, we could always eat together via Skype or Face Time.
Lovely tribute to your life-long friend, Jill. You are lucky to have each other, and I know you know it, or you wouldn’t still be friends.
i’ve been enjoying using google hangouts to stay in touch with people. it does make my laptop work pretty hard though, but that’s because it’s old and probably underpowered to be processing video
Susan and I will often have a glass of wine together in the afternoon (on the phone, of course) while we catch up on our day! Plus, the phone is better for us since we grew up in the phone generation, albeit ours were at one time tied to the wall. Can you imagine if we still had to contend with that?!
Eugene, I have preached the Gospel of G+ to Alice. I hope she will set up her account.
I really like how easy the hangouts are.
Jill, as a teen, I was tethered to the wall phone with a cord, too. I LOVED talking on the phone back then. Two decades in the work force with lots of time on the phone have blunted my fascination.
Also, you should start planning your kickass Louisiana vacations! Best of luck to the newly minted architecture professor!!
Since part of my current book is set in New Orleans, I’m sure I’ll be down there a lot in the coming months. It is so hard to write atmosphere without experiencing it. Google Maps and street views don’t provide scents and sounds. (And, of course, bars to stumble into and shops to take my money and glorious food to try…..)
The title of your blog hit the nail on the head. The “Price” of true friendship. I also loved this statement. “What does letting people beyond the veneer give us, especially when it seems so few people really want to be included? Why does life rob us of the microscopic few who choose to bite off our issues and neuroses?”
Being a true friend to someone requires an investment in time and energy. A true friend is the person that will accept us and love us even while they are able to see the “good, bad and ugly”. It also requires the ability to be transparent and allow others to see the “real you”. Our world is full of hurting people who try to hide the pain through a facade that says ” Look at me, I have it all together”.
Over the last couple of years I have been able to get a glimpse of the real Andra thanks to your willingness to be real with your thoughts and feelings on your blog. You have managed to find a good balance between being real and not over sharing. I think that we all struggle with finding that balance in our relationships with one another. I believe that finding that balance can sometimes cause friction. Only our true friends will work through the friction and find a mutual place of harmony in the relationship.
I have a lot of acquaintances both online and in real life. I can count my true friends on one hand. I thank God for the true friends in my life as well as those folks who may not be as close for whatever reasons. I really believe that because of the investment in time and energy that we can only have a few true friends anyway.
I think that in the book of Proverbs Solomon said it best when he speaks of friendship. He says that friendship is like “iron sharpening iron”. When the iron is sharpened there will be sparks and fire. True friends will work through those moments of friction and become closer and stronger on the other side.
You blog post reminded me that I need to reach out to my true friends, and let them know they are appreciated and loved.
James, your comment is a good reminder for all of us to invest in the people we value most, to let them know how much they mean to us. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts here today.
I’m pretty bad at staying in touch with my friends from back home, and there are often several years between contacts, When we do get back together, we just pick up right where we left off like there was no time at all in between.
My next-door-neighbor from childhood is like that. I can go forever without talking to her, and we pick up right where we were. (Are these the same people who put beer on Cap’n Crunch?)
some of them, yes
I completely relate to this post. I have found myself building walls because I am tired of being hurt through failed friendships, but that is no way to live. Sigh.
Lisa, I am more tentative myself these days. I’m happy to make efforts toward more tangible connections, but I try to be better at reading the signs of engagement on the other side these days. I try not to be the only one making the effort. That’s hard for me, because I have historically been quite a giver. It’s meant more modulating my own behavior and expectations than anything else.
Changes in us are the hardest ones to make. From reading your blog and getting to know you, I know you know that, and I admire your continued journey every single day.
Thanks Andra. I have a feeling we would probably both make the effort if we lived closer.
These online connections always tease and tantalize, don’t they? While they put me in contact with many far-flung ladies I wish I could know better, I don’t really know how to make that happen in a meaningful way. *Sigh*
Andra, I know how you feel with friends. It feels like I have to start over completely every five years or so with new people, all the old friends standing on the wrong side of burned bridges.
Or, like Andrew, they move away. I think the adage ‘to have a friend, be one’ is misleading. Most people have packed dance cards. Regardless of the quality of those relationships, they’ve invested in that dance card, and it takes a lot to bump someone off or be added in a meaningful way.
Indeed it does, Andrew was more than a friend, he was a brother to me. Awesome dude, I definitely miss the heck out of him.
What a lovely phrase and an even nicer present, the gift of time.
My first thought was here goes Andra again to visit one more place. The inexpensive route is Southwest to Houston and back to NOLA and drive to Baton Rouge. That will save you enough money to get together and eat wonderfully in Cajun country with Alice.
Thanks for the tip, Howard. I will check out that route for my October pumpkin hunting visit to Cayleigh.
That sounds like a great friendship. Congratulations to her on reaching her goal!
Fewer people are happier for her than me.
What a poignant piece. I have had friends come, stay for a while, and stay forever, I’ve come to understand that no matter how long a friend is in your life, it’s like a flower, enjoy it while it’s still in full bloom, and afterwards, maybe the scent will remain..lovely post!
Susan, whether a friend has stayed in my life for a season or a lifetime, the experience has enriched me. Whether it turned out well or not, may we always learn and grow from having had the interaction. A flower is a fitting analogy.
Andra, my equivalent of Alice lives all the way in Massachusetts now. And being away from her is very hard, but we have found ways to be very strongly connected. I do hope that you find that way, and I am quite sure you will in time. Friendships are challenging. I have some of the same issues in my past, too, and then, of course, I’ve been sharing about friends who have returned after decades of silence. I think it’s more challenging today than every before. We ALL use mass communication–and hope to find intimacy. We really have somewhat sabotaged ourselves in the good friendship department. Just remain open and people will find you, Andra. People are hungry for the so-called smothering…you care, and that’s a missing piece for so many. Share with us later how you and Alice do stay close! Debra
Mass communication is indeed the opposite of intimacy. Once in a while, I will sit down to scribble a few handwritten notes, just to let someone have the novelty. I try to put my iPhone away when I am with others and focus on who is in front of me, though I do not always succeed. We do have lots of distraction and noise in our society, don’t we?
Your story is encouraging, Debra. Thank you for sharing it.
What an absolutely beautiful post, Andra. I, too, have left a trail of friendships behind – I wonder if we all do? – but the ones which have endure have been the ones i have never had to work at: the easy companionship of someone who is enough like you to make it possible to stop trying, and just enjoy. I am privileged to have friends like that. One died, about a year ago. You are right, too about the cost of true friendship. Losing a friend is the most yawning, crushing chasm.
Thus I am so pleased you and Alice still get to spend time together, however fleeting. True friends are hard to find.
Such a thought provoking post today. I am sorry I arrived late!
It was the same thing with marriage. It was just easy, like we’d always been together. Hard to find multiple people like that in life to play different roles. Losing a friend to the finality of the unseen is something I do not want to contemplate. No matter how people surround you to fill the gap, they never really do.
Great post Andra – Most of my friends extend to my childhood years and have lasted longer than girlfriends, partners of Mrs Fightback! They last and for me are a great source of comfort just knowing they are kncking around. And I hope vice versa!
That’s awesome, Jim. I’m sure they feel the same about you. With your wit, how could they not?
You make a boy blush!