Can I Gnaw on Dr. Dukan?
It happens to the best of us girls. We wake up one morning, sometime in our forties, and realize that our fat-retaining bodies tip the scale closer to 200 pounds than 100. Clothes that used to hang on our frames now pinch and bulge and cut off circulation to our brains, causing us to think having that extra cookie or several won’t paint things tighter.
Okay, I admit it. I’m the dumb-dumb in the bunch.
And, this hoovering-everything-she-encountered female is now taking charge of her pie hole. Ten years ago this month, MTM walked into a room and said hello to me. I weighed 135 pounds that sunny day in July, and I’m determined to tip the scale at the same weight this July 30.
Dr. Pierre Dukan is my
personal torturer slave driver the Antichrist from the flaming pit of hell
for the Starving.
In just three weeks of
being so hungry I could eat a small child dieting, I am within 10 pounds of my target. My cleavage is disappearing, and my bra doesn’t cause fourteen fat rolls down my back. Last week, I donned an old pair of jeans without applying vaseline and holding my breath until my face turned blue.
Of course, staring into a big honking bowl of THIS
vomitous bile deliciousness would make anyone drop pounds.
And, I only get to eat regurgitated broccoli every other day right now. That’s the genius of Dr. Dukan’s French Wonder Diet. He purses his lips the way the French do, in that popping expelling of breath that sounds like ‘pah,’ and he delivers the His Perfect Diet. For up to seven days (the Attack Phase), one is allowed nothing but protein, which gave me an excuse to drive an hour-and-a-half for Scott’s BBQ. I consumed two pounds in less than 48 hours, because I could eat as much lean protein as I wanted.
Yes, Scott’s counted.
My current phase (the Cruise Phase) is alternating days of lean protein with protein and certain vegetables, three days per pound I want to lose. In August, I will graduate to adding back carbs and fats from Dr. Dukan’s Omniscient List. Called the Consolidation Phase, I can eat as much as I want from his list, five days per pound I lost, have two cheat meals per week, and eat nothing but lean protein every Thursday.
If I have not starved to death by the end, I will enter the Stabilization Phase, a lifetime of eating lean protein every Thursday, downing three tablespoons of oat bran a day and using Dr. Dukan’s Omniscient List to keep my wanton cravings in check.
MTM is the Ultimate Supportive Spouse,
doing this nonsense participating with me. If I’m lucky, he will breeze into a room on July 30, wearing the same powder blue dress shirt that caught my eye a decade ago.
Because, it will fit him again.
Given that the only way I can enjoy anything edible right now is to write about it, my series this week will be composed of a few stories about decadent, delectable food. If I can get through the week without gnawing on my computer screen, it will be a Dukan Miracle.
For further reading on the Dukan Diet, follow the highlighted links in this post.