I Won’t Back Down
July. A Friday. I think it is Friday. Sometime between Thursday and Friday. The drink muddles time. Pathetic of me to admit that I’m drunk to my journal. Drunken fingers reveal too much from the depths of a mushy mind.
I’ve always been a leader. In spite of myself. Never sought it out, never asked for these damn appointments. These titles. These filthy little letters that say I’m someone to be reckoned with.
I try to live up to them. I do. Every time I leave the cocoon of this room. This haven where I hide.
I hate him for making me cower.
It happened again tonight. Debating some trivial matter. About ten of us, around a table. The air a film of smoke. Bottles empty. I made things plain. I intended to take the business of these people in one direction. One direction only. Proclaimed it as someone known to have led men. Saved lives. Faced fierceness dead in the eye. Squelched the urge to die.
Amidst the nodding heads, the persuaded looks, he spoke. A snarl from the back corner of the room. That course is doomed to fail, gentlemen. It’s not grounded. How can you listen to some dandy with stars in his eyes?
He launched a rhapsodic attack that lasted. Until an hour ago. I think. Questioning my management of everything – everything this confounded soul has worked so hard to fashion. Money. Decisions. Deals. Doing what’s best for the people I am charged to lead.
Who will believe he’s right about me?
I’m afraid he will destroy me before I finish, while the demon on my shoulder whispers Who are you kidding? You’re already finished.
It is his voice I hear. Even when I relax into the warm embrace of the drink. Like a little death. If it wipes away the gnawing murmur that he’s right. If it gives me the strength to wake up in the morning, take my story to the papers.
This post is part of the series Death Becomes Me. It is a series of fiction. If this is your first visit to the series, please click here to read the first installment, go here for the second, go here for the third, click here for the fourth, go here for the fifth and click here for the sixth.