Not a Project for Me
photo credit Nancy Santos
The Diaries of Adam and Eve by Mark Twain
Summer 2002
I’ve grown to hate those words in the past year or so. Much like I detested all the ‘it’s not you, it’s me‘ that I got from men before I met MTM. Copouts are the same regardless of the scenery.
I almost quit writing last week. Quit the blog. Quit my current book. Quit all of it.
Maybe my underlying mood has flavored my fiction, because, on some level, I started out writing this character with the intention of killing my writing when he died. Never in my life have I encountered a bigger roller coaster ride, a thing that corkscrews into infinity. In the dark. No end in sight.
This is the best thing I’ve come across in a while. No, it isn’t. You’re talented. No, you’re not. I couldn’t put this story down. I won’t represent you, because this sentence, this one right here, isn’t well crafted enough. I just didn’t connect with this as much as I felt like I needed to, but you’re beautiful. And talented. If you submitted more of your work to the dwindling number of publications that take this kind of writing, maybe you’d get a deal. Someday. By the time you’re 80. No, your blog doesn’t count for anything. I can’t WAIT to talk with you!!!!!…not a project for me.
A lonely place, made even lonelier by this summing up: Life is crazy. CRAZY.
I’m not writing this post to hear platitudes. How many times successful authors submitted works before they got published. How many books they wrote before one hit. How I should just publish my stuff myself and move on. In the thick of it, when you’re alone, none of that matters. You just want to curl up into a ball. To spit it right back: This just isn’t a project for me.
And give up.
I think my editor stopped me. She told me she admired my backbone.
And, I remembered that strong backbones won’t necessarily bend into a ball.
Thank you, SP.
Don’t you just want to punch someone in the face? Yeah, me too. Instead of that though (cause we’d be arrested), go on a long hike, breath in the air…oh, wait that’s a platitude isn’t it? Go ahead, punch someone in the face, I’ll pay your bail.
I wrote this post instead.
Feels like punching someone in the face.
Thank GOD for your editor. I won’t platitude at you, but I will say that this isn’t the last time you’ll feel this way. I just worked for ten weeks. TEN FUCKING WEEKS. with a magazine, only to have them reject a short story that has really grown under their direction. It took a lot to run with the attitude that without their feedback the story wouldn’t have its current potential.
I admire your backbone, too, and I’ll say something else.
Your writing might some day stop. It might go away. But I’m pretty sure you can’t kill it. I’m pretty sure that the compulsion will come back to you again and again and haunt you as painfully as the screaming ghost MTM saw in the old jail.
How frustrating, Jessie. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even tell people the good things, because even they can be like backhanded slaps, can’t they? I hope I get to read that short story someday.
And, I’m sure I could kill it, but I’m no longer of a mind to.
I feel your pain. It took me 8 years to get my book published. If I were to give you a platitude I would say, “It can take a long time, but eventually it may happen, and it will have been worth the wait and all the hard work.” But you don’t want platitudes, so instead I’ll just say, “Nice blog!”
Thanks for the blogging compliment, Carrie, and for stopping by.
I won’t give you platitudes except to say I understand. Been there too often.
A great cyber hug. Thank you, Lisa.
I admire you backbone, and your frontbone, and all the bones in between! You are an inspiration. I have told you that before, I will tell you that again, and I mean it.
Nothing I can say right now other than screw them. They are missing something grand.
But I am sorry.
Sorry works. Thank you.
Is being self published a bad option? If you are self published does the literary world look upon you as a second rate author or not an author at all? A wannabe writer? For the life of me, after reading all of your writing in your blog, I do not understand why someone would not publish your book. Unless it is a matter of timing and market place? I have never attempted this so I can only imagine your frustration. I agree with what everyone else has said thus far. Hugs.
Pretty much not an author at all. Unless it makes some money.
I really don’t want this to sound trite, but often when I want to give up most on things I love it’s usually because I’m over-tired. Unfortunately, I don’t often remember that when it’s happening. But after I’ve rested up and suddenly have a new-found enthusiasm I think, haha isn’t that a funny coincidence that I feel like doing these things again now I have the energy? (Then I think what a dunce I am because that’s exactly what I thought the time before but didn’t remember it!
)
I’m glad you haven’t given up writing, not least because I promised myself several months ago that I’d buy your book when it comes out.
I’m sure I’m overstimulated right now. Ha.
I’m sorry last week delivered such gut wrenching news. It’s so frustrating. Where is the key to that magic door of opportunity that needs to open? I understand and can relate to the feelings you have expressed. I seem to see-saw between keeping on and giving up ALL THE TIME. On many fronts. Then I realize of I give up I’ll feel even worse….it’s a real conundrum. Thank you for sharing this with us today.
Much of the news was good. Maybe it was more yo-yo than roller coaster, but it’s over now. I put it here to move past it.
Andra, while I should start by saying that I don’t know anything about writing and getting published, my understanding is that it’s very difficult and most don’t. Having said that, I would think that if you enjoy writing (and I’m sure you do), then keep at it. And instead of cranking out thousands of words in a matter of days, if you write for the simple joy of it taking your time instead of meeting some mysterious deadline, that joy should shine through.
The blog has been my joy for a while now.
If I’d have read this post before adding my latest post, my latest post wouldn’t have been added. My latest venture wouldn’t have started. Sometimes, it’s good for things to happen in the order that they do.
Keep on keeping on, Andra. I’ll probably be going through what you’re going through in a few years or so… and yes, life is crazy!
You can do it, Tom. I know you can.
I’ll just tell you the same thing I told my husband when he repeatedly wanted to quit University . . . “Okay.”
He now has a Master’s Degree in Theology. I’m just sayin’, my method seems to work.
That’s pretty much what MTM says. Plus, ‘you can’t quit.’ It’s good to have those rocks in our lives.
Oh, Andra, I know it won’t help you feel better, but I understand how you feel – and I don’t even have an editor. Don’t give up!
I won’t. This was a venting post I needed to write. I’m over it now.
Np platitudes here (well, maybe). . . Sometimes life is just crappy, with a capital C, but things always get better! Besides, the good stuff always comes along when you’re least expecting it!! We, every one of us, know you’ve got what it takes to reach this goal; and backbone is the least of it! Hugs!!
Thanks, Karen.
I’ve got nothing. Except to say we seem to be walking parallel roads at the moment. This helped me…you will either kill me or laugh.
Robert, you know me well enough to know I love this. You get the gold star. Thank you.
So Andra, out of curiousity, have you ever attended a big writing conference where you could pitch to editors/agents/publishers in person?
Second thought, “Amanda Hocking.”
No platitudes. You have 27 THOUSAND blog followers, girl! Start putting your work out for those 27,000 readers to buy! MAKE your blog count! When you get into the top 10 Kindle sales with your work (which will happen pretty quickly if 27,000 people only have to fork over 99c BTW) you’ll have 33% of $27,000 in your pocket and the agents/editors/publishers will start calling you because you will be a proven name with a demonstrable following. MONEY TALKS. You prove you can make them money, they’ll be there with bells on. So pick a project and put it out there, and let us HELP YOU get them interested in signing you!
I’m one of your 27K followers. I’ll pay 99c for your work if you make it available. Who’s with me?
Thank you.
Yes, I’ve attended big writing conferences, and I just got back from a small writing retreat last weekend. Got some good feedback at that, better than a conference.
I may publish some things electronically at some point, but for now, my deadline on the current book in January 15, and that will be my focus.
I appreciate your enthusiasm. Very, very much.
I think I wonder if you really could quit, Andra. Breaks are one thing, quitting entirely, putting it down forever, that’s another. And I think you would stop being YOU if you really let it go. I must tell you that I listen to a “techie guy” on the radio every weekend and for at least six months he has been talking about the rise in e-publication and how it is definitely affecting the traditional publishing business. I know that I’ve been buying self-published e-books for a while now, and I never thought that would appeal to me. But I got “hooked” on particular authors and it’s working for me. I think you’re caught in a sea change that may reveal the next steps to you before long. I’m glad your editor gave you a good talking to!
I am sure I could quit, but I might be such a miserable handful that MTM would quit me……
You are good Andra. very very good. Simple!
Thank you, Jim.
No worries – keep going!
Life’s a bitch and then you……:)
Die. Unless you don’t die.
You’re not quitting. We won’t let you. I can nag really, really well. You can learn to hate me, and that’s ok if it keeps you writing as you do
Fiona, I would miss all of you too much if I quit. This group has become like family to me.
Having explored previous life incarnations and permutations, it’s now . . . A Writer’s Life For Me! Nothing like the freedom of thinking, researching, and writing about people, places, and characters that call out: Pick me! Pick me!
Most days, I feel a bit like a kid in a candy store, a bumblebee in a field of daisies, or a pirate opening a treasure chest . . . giddy with delight at all the sights, sounds and smells greeting my senses.
Other days, when this incredible freedom of speech I’ve pirated for myself seems more dead weight than treasure, I “pick me up” with quotes:
* Writing is a dog’s life, but it’s the only life worth living. ~ Gustave Flaubert
* The profession of book-writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business. ~ John Steinbeck
* Writing is a solitary occupation. Family, friends, and society are the natural enemies of the writer. He must be alone, uninterrupted, and slightly savage if he is to sustain and complete an undertaking. ~ Lawrence Clark Powell
* There is only one trait that marks the writer. He is always watching. It’s a kind of trick of the mind and he is born with it. ~ Morley Callahan
* I suppose I am a born novelist for the things I imagine are more vital and vivid to me than the things I remember. ~ Ellen Glasgow
And, perhaps, the most applicable here:
* A book is a mirror; if an ass peers into it, you can’t expect an apostle to peer out. ~ Georg Christoph Lictenberg [True for agents and publishers too.]
That last one. I am printing it out and plastering it above my computer screen. Thank you.
De nada.
BTW: I love that photo . . . Eve tempting Adam to give into temptation. If only Adam had had a bit more backbone.
That was a very fun show to do. One of my all-time favorite parts.
Of course, this is one of my very most favorite photos; tempting, indeed.
Ha.
So much wisdom from so many accomplished and savvy people. I’ll keep some for myself and tell you that I admire and respect you and want you to keep on writing. Glad SP have you the atta girl. Here’s another.
When my younger son was wanting to go to an elite Ivy League school and was told, “you’re not X material,” I told him that if he truly wanted it, that he should work to get there. He did, and he was graduated from the school with honors, earned a Fulbright and later a full ride to a highly esteemed Ivy League school.
The moral of the story is if you know in your heart that this is what you want, keep on reaching. Don’t stop because some dummies don’t like your work. Taste is in the mouth and some people have been smoking cigarettes and have dulled their tastebuds.
…he earned his MA from the 2nd school…after deferring acceptance for a year which on one said could happen…and he was also told he would not get the job he wanted because…and he kept on and got that job.
I love that story. I hope I get to meet him someday.
I have seen several bloggers take on the self publish route and do well for themselves. However, you will get there and I will be cheering from the stands!
Whatever I do, it will all work out somehow.
It always does – just don’t give up!
I know what you mean, sister. I’ve put in 110 posts of some of the best literary material in contemporary fiction (oh, along with this sentence, too).
“Just keep on writing, and don’t put pressure on yourself.” (21st century blogger, Michael Monaghan)
What?? Too serious??
You crack me up.
Can you hear it? The cry of anguish from a thousand miles away? As I eschew the dance of subjectivity and throw my story-children out on their own in the cold, cold world?
Please, please, keep writing. It’s hope that a voice like yours, that my pale impersonation of such, will be heard that gives me faith in publishing anything all.
I cannot WAIT to read your new book. When will it be available? I thought you were shooting for September, and here we are.
Here we are. It’s off to the editor for Thursday, then probably one more round of revisions before I publish. Sadly 9/30 won’t make it, but soon!