The Marital Cock Block
You know a cock block, right? It’s that thing that happens when you’re trying to score a little something-something, only somebody comes up and says something really embarrassing or stupid in front of your target.
“Hey, Man, did you ever get that conviction for pedophilia wiped off your record?”
Or
“Dude, your wife’s outside in the parking lot. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”
At some point in our whole Christmas vomit process, MTM threw me a cock block of sorts. Instead of complaining about the glitter and the sequins, the twinkles and the shine, he embraced it. With gusto.
I know the moment it happened. He saw these slinky icicles in a store, and he bought them for himself for me. When I opened them, my face quivering between “WTF is it?” and “I love it. You shouldn’t have.”, he ripped the box out of my hands and demonstrated their worth.
“They stretch. And, they wiggle when they hang from a branch. See? SEE?”
He jumped up and down beside the tree, over the moon with himself and his ornaments, and I lost control of Christmas vomit. His cock block would cause negotiations about everything: where to put the tree; how to place each bauble with perfection; what to do to attain the proper proportion of matte and shine.
I even tried to downplay the importance of decorating the very next year. “We’re going to be gone for half the month, MTM. What’s the point of dragging all that out?”
But, he was already in the attic, ripping open boxes and greeting ornaments like they were bosom buddies.
I think he kissed the slinky icicles. He probably still does.
To read more about MTM the urban designer/architect:
How to Wound the Architect Spouse
Help! I’m Married to an Architect!
This post is part of the series Roll Out the Holly, about the stories Christmas ornaments can conjure. Click here to read the series from the beginning.
You’re saying he cockblocked himself?
I don’t know what I am saying, Roxanne.
Haha!
I can’t tell you how happy I am that you explained what cockblocked means. I wouldn’t want to use the term inappropriately next time I manage to find a way to use it in a sentence at one of my church group meetings.
I only learned it last week, Debra. I was at lunch with Kenneth and Carnell, and the meaning of this word was a major topic. I won’t even tell you how it came up.
clearly you should have more lunches with us so you can learn all sorts of new ways to shock your readers and their respective church groups!
When the cock-blocker becomes the cock-blockee….only then, may your training be complete.
I hope that never happens.
You said “came up.”
I need to click away before I start snapping bras and passing notes.
Hahahahaha.
I had cock block nailed down to running sexual interference. It brings a whole new meaning to tree huggers:)
Especially of the holiday variety.
The image of MTM kissing and fondling the icicles is really a little more than I needed. Or can bear. The whole Christmas tree phallic symbol thing is, um, well, kind of a cock block all in itself.
Hehehe.
something tells me that MTM was kissing and fondling the wrong things…… oy….
He does love those icicles.
U..N..A..B..L..E to speak.
I doubt that, Lou.
Not EVEN going there….
I should’ve have, either.
There is nothing quite so marvelous as an inappropriate guffaw with your coffee, especially when a day of cooking, cleaning, and wrapping awaits!
Cam, this is precisely what I hoped for.
Just put on The Waitresses and start dancing. You’ll find a happy ending…
I will remember that, Robert.
That just made me laugh and now I’m plugging in my tree and adoring the ornaments! Happy Christmas Andra!!!
Glad it caused the desired reaction, Valerie. Happy Christmas to you, too.
ROFLMAO!!!
Glad to hear it, Bill.
This post gave Bill a giant guffaw and then me too. I had to go read…cock block is certainly a new term for me!
Preempted would have been my term…but then, I’m not the Accidental Cootchie Mama of total excellence!
Merry Merry!
That was nice of you to let MTM have his own ornament on your tree.
I have never kissed an ornament. Does it grant magical wishes if you do?
Ask MTM.
Giggles. I’m going to test it out myself…I have one Christmas bulb that is looking at me with puckered lips.
Not much but a mouthful of dust. Luckily, I have wine to wash it down
Happy Holidays!!!