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The Marital Cock Block

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You know a cock block, right? It’s that thing that happens when you’re trying to score a little something-something, only somebody comes up and says something really embarrassing or stupid in front of your target.

“Hey, Man, did you ever get that conviction for pedophilia wiped off your record?”

Or

“Dude, your wife’s outside in the parking lot. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”

At some point in our whole Christmas vomit process, MTM threw me a cock block of sorts. Instead of complaining about the glitter and the sequins, the twinkles and the shine, he embraced it. With gusto.

I know the moment it happened. He saw these slinky icicles in a store, and he bought them for himself for me. When I opened them, my face quivering between “WTF is it?” and “I love it. You shouldn’t have.”, he ripped the box out of my hands and demonstrated their worth.

“They stretch. And, they wiggle when they hang from a branch. See? SEE?”

He jumped up and down beside the tree, over the moon with himself and his ornaments, and I lost control of Christmas vomit. His cock block would cause negotiations about everything: where to put the tree; how to place each bauble with perfection; what to do to attain the proper proportion of matte and shine.

I even tried to downplay the importance of decorating the very next year. “We’re going to be gone for half the month, MTM. What’s the point of dragging all that out?”

But, he was already in the attic, ripping open boxes and greeting ornaments like they were bosom buddies.

I think he kissed the slinky icicles. He probably still does.

To read more about MTM the urban designer/architect:

A Coda for my Architect

How to Wound the Architect Spouse

Help! I’m Married to an Architect!

This post is part of the series Roll Out the Holly, about the stories Christmas ornaments can conjure. Click here to read the series from the beginning.

35 Comments Post a comment
  1. You’re saying he cockblocked himself?

    December 23, 2012
    • I don’t know what I am saying, Roxanne.

      December 23, 2012
      • The Good Luck Duck #

        Haha!

        December 23, 2012
  2. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you explained what cockblocked means. I wouldn’t want to use the term inappropriately next time I manage to find a way to use it in a sentence at one of my church group meetings. :-)

    December 23, 2012
    • I only learned it last week, Debra. I was at lunch with Kenneth and Carnell, and the meaning of this word was a major topic. I won’t even tell you how it came up.

      December 23, 2012
      • clearly you should have more lunches with us so you can learn all sorts of new ways to shock your readers and their respective church groups!

        December 23, 2012
  3. When the cock-blocker becomes the cock-blockee….only then, may your training be complete.

    December 23, 2012
    • I hope that never happens.

      December 23, 2012
    • The Good Luck Duck #

      You said “came up.”

      I need to click away before I start snapping bras and passing notes.

      December 23, 2012
  4. I had cock block nailed down to running sexual interference. It brings a whole new meaning to tree huggers:)

    December 23, 2012
  5. The image of MTM kissing and fondling the icicles is really a little more than I needed. Or can bear. The whole Christmas tree phallic symbol thing is, um, well, kind of a cock block all in itself.

    December 23, 2012
  6. something tells me that MTM was kissing and fondling the wrong things…… oy….

    December 23, 2012
  7. U..N..A..B..L..E to speak.

    December 23, 2012
  8. Not EVEN going there….

    December 23, 2012
  9. There is nothing quite so marvelous as an inappropriate guffaw with your coffee, especially when a day of cooking, cleaning, and wrapping awaits!

    December 23, 2012
  10. Just put on The Waitresses and start dancing. You’ll find a happy ending…

    December 23, 2012
  11. That just made me laugh and now I’m plugging in my tree and adoring the ornaments! Happy Christmas Andra!!!

    December 23, 2012
    • Glad it caused the desired reaction, Valerie. Happy Christmas to you, too.

      December 23, 2012
  12. Bill Smithem #

    ROFLMAO!!!

    December 23, 2012
  13. This post gave Bill a giant guffaw and then me too. I had to go read…cock block is certainly a new term for me!

    Preempted would have been my term…but then, I’m not the Accidental Cootchie Mama of total excellence!

    Merry Merry!

    December 23, 2012
  14. That was nice of you to let MTM have his own ornament on your tree.

    December 23, 2012
  15. I have never kissed an ornament. Does it grant magical wishes if you do?

    December 23, 2012
    • Ask MTM. :)

      December 23, 2012
      • Giggles. I’m going to test it out myself…I have one Christmas bulb that is looking at me with puckered lips.

        December 23, 2012
      • :). Let me know what happens, Darcie.

        December 23, 2012
      • Not much but a mouthful of dust. Luckily, I have wine to wash it down ;) Happy Holidays!!!

        December 23, 2012

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