Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining
I found myself at loose ends yesterday. Nothing on the calendar. The slate wiped clean. My head still swimming. Tears raining all over the place. A lot to say, and no one to say it to.
If I had any meds, I would’ve taken them, because even I couldn’t stand me. (It’s a by-product of where I’m at right now. I’m not generally crazy.)
(I don’t think.)
So, I did the most logical thing I could think to do. I donned my sequin t-shirt, packed my teary patootie in Miss Mini and went to a matinee of “Silver Linings Playbook.” I ignored the case of TMJ I’ve had since before Christmas, and I ordered popcorn. I put so much butter on it that I think I broke the machine.
It needed to be easier for me to chew, all right?
Shoot me. I swilled a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, too.
I stumbled into a dark room full of nothing but women and sat by myself and let Bradley and Jennifer and Robert and the Philadelphia Eagles take care of me. Therapy for fifteen bucks.
In populating this space, I try not to put a lot of my junk out there. Not the real junk.
Still, I have a question.
Do you expect, I mean really know, that you can depend on anyone in your life? I know some will respond that I can rely on God, but I sometimes need more tangibility. More immediacy. Flesh-and-blood.
We live in a No-Attention-Span Society, where people flit from thing-to-thing-to-thing. Some of them crucial. Some of them not. Yet, everyone is Busy. Occupied. Swamped. Pressed For Time. Connected everywhere in cyberspace and disconnected from reality.
Who do you call when you need to have a good cry, and you live in this Society, and you don’t know a single person who has time? Is this why so many people see therapists and take mood-altering drugs?
I hoped seeing Silver Linings Playbook would suffice. It didn’t. Not really. For the other thing.
But, since some of you will want to know what I thought of the movie, here’s my review.
I enjoyed it. It was fun to watch Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence be EXACTLY the variants of crazy I wished I could at that moment. To live vicariously (and to eat popcorn) was a treat. For those of you who don’t know, the movie is about a guy who just got out of a mental hospital for catching his wife with another man and beating that man to a pulp. He has issues of the bi-polar variety, but he believes in Silver Linings. And, because it is a product of Hollywood, he finds one.
Robert De Niro is worth the price of admission. I’m not sure the movie is worthy of all the awards for which it has been nominated. I didn’t find the story to be revolutionary, but it did remind me that every cloud has a Silver Lining.
I looked up and glimpsed a few through my tears on my way back to the car.
I’m hopeless at sympathy, but I hope this shitty bit in your life passes quickly.
Thank you, Roger. I knew I would be in this place. It just came a few days early because I am too efficient. Ha.
Sorry to hear you are in a bad place Andra, no eaay answers apart from keep going and find somethng that makes you guffaw heartily.
Your blog makes me do that regularly.
Good! – spent two days on trains gave me some great ideas and stiff joints.
Butter is a country man’s healing salve. I believe in it with my whole, clogged up heart. I hate that you’re in this hurty spot. Wish I could fix things for you, maybe make the silver linings a little more blatant, pronounced. I can tell you that I nodded along to this post because I’ve felt this aloneness, too. The best and most unwaivering support I’ve managed to find is this little blog world. We’re here to care, always.
Ah, yes. It is a virtual group hug. It generally suffices for me in all but those times when I need a real one. (Which I know you would totally give me on sight if we lived closer to one another.
)
I find it hard to slow myself down when I am crashing, let alone find a friend who has the time. Really enjoyed movie. Not great but Jennifer is.
Jennifer’s speech about how she always does for others but never gets hers really resonated with me. I wish I had the guts to make that speech in the heat of the moment.
Maybe I should require the other person to enter a dance competition with me, and that would lessen the directness. 
Short and simple? No. I do not turn to anyone. That’s one of the many reasons I come here. Your writing helps lift sometimes, helps me process, helps me muddle, etc. I guess really and truly people are there for you if you allow them to be. I, personally, have difficulty with that. I keep my crap to myself (no wonder I’m constipated – ha ha – I hold on to my sh** – sorry, TMI?). However, on the flip side I would be there in a minute if someone needed me (much more comfortable giving than receiving) and I would give my all to that person, but to ask or to lean on someone other than myself? Nah, that’s a strength that I do not seem to have within me, or if it’s there, I choose not to tap into it. Perhaps that’s my lesson in this life? Or, one of them.
I wish I were there to give you a hug and have you accept that hug… Perhaps a little time will help? I’m sorry though. My heart hurts for you and I know that’s no consolation.
Time, in this particular instance, will work wonders. I knew this was coming, but I still wasn’t prepared for how hard it hit. In a couple of weeks, I’ll be back to normal. Maybe I should say sooner than that, though, since poor MTM has to live with me in the meantime.
You’re right that we have to be willing to open up to others and share. People all have their issues, and that’s the driving force of their focus. It’s human, and it isn’t exactly wrong. But, sometimes I just want to scream, “I have listened to four million, three hundred and fifty-five thousand, two hundred and forty-eight things. Could you PLEASE just give me a little more here, right now?” If I did that, I wouldn’t have anybody, because I wouldn’t be very likable.
I’m sure that’s the definition of the word “needy.”
I don’t know what to say of use. I really hope you feel happier soon. I know it’s the pits to feel so upset. Everything seems so bleak and it feels that the cloud will never lift. But if you just keep remembering that it will lift, you’re winning part of the battle. And every minute that goes by is a minute closer to when it’ll happen. Wishing you every sunshine!
Sunshine is good. I hope you’re having some sunshine your way today, Heather. I’m wearing a dress I bought for spring, sleeveless. No jacket required when I went out at 7am. So, that’s some sunshine (if I don’t focus on the global warming part.
)
I hope it made you feel good. Don’t worry about the temperatures because it’ll be cold when you wish it was warm and you’ll be able to think, “Well, at least I was able to wear it then.”
Transitions are hard. There’s just no ease from one stage to another. Blurp, there you are. You did a good thing and used movie therapy.
When I need a good cry, I just usually try to put on some good music or movie like you did. The last time I wanted to cry like that was last week when I was so desperately ill, in WalMart and they said my insurance card didn’t work…not exactly the same thing, but I had a real hard time holding it together. Then when going to get Bill’s meds a few days later, the car malfunctioned, and it had to go to the shop the following day…and I had to coordinate it all. All while I was still sick. I just wanted my mother. Wanted to be a child again where some caring adult would come along and take it all under his or her care and allow me to be sick, to get well and not have to manage with it all.
I rarely break down in sobs anymore, because then I’m just wiped out, and snotty. And generally I don’t seem to be able to find the time to just collapse. It always seems there is that one more thing…like you said…
I really hope you and Bill are on the mend today, Cheryl. You’ve both been through the ringer, and you deserve to have a better week.
Thanks, Andra. We are better today! I’m actually going out on appointments. Let’s hope they don’t mind a bit of hacking!
Things go to hell. That’s a piece of information the infamous They don’t tell you about until you’re facing 18 months without a job and the money’s running out fast, or the partner you chose turns out to be someone else entirely, or Illness and her hooded dancing partner come calling… or or or… and then you know it, but the knowing doesn’t make anything easier.
I keep believing in silver linings, too, and I hope for you, because even from so far away and by a tenuous thread through the ether, you inspire me and give me hope, that the silver presents itself soon.
Barring that? Be warned that I am a hugger.
I can’t wait to get a real-live hug from you in a little over a week.
By the time I see you, I should be up to snuff. This always happens to me at the end of a highly creative phase. While I’m working on the thing, my emotions are plowing into that. When It’s done, the emotions are still all dredged up. They’re still raw. But, I don’t have anywhere to put them. I haven’t been doing this long enough to figure out how to start something else right away, or how to do several things at once. It has been enough to pound out an 80,000 word project in six months, revise it three times, and maintain this blog every day, however hit-or-miss the quality has been of late. We refine our processes every time, so next time should be easier. We’ll see. I already have an idea for a sequel, but it isn’t honed enough yet to work on it. It took me two months on the current one to get it honed, to get all the research done and get started.
You shall have that hug. Though given your tininess, I shall have to endeavor not squash you.
Scott. I can always turn to him. Women? Yes, there are two. But they live four hundred miles away, and I can’t always get to one of them when I’m crashing. And when I crash, it’s a damned train wreck. Hang in there; keep breathing. I’ll send good vibes and think of alcoholic beverages for you.
Without MTM, I would be in the loony bin. That’s for sure. He’s as emotionally invested as I am at this point, so it’s hard to turn to him, though he is always there. Plus, it’s his Birthday Week, and I really should be feting him every day.
Faith, family, and hugs from friends — not always in that order, and generally not first.
Frankly, I’m much like Lori (so much so, that I periodically wonder . . . twins, separated at birth . . . ‘cept I know she’s much younger).
So, what Lori said X2. This, too, shall pass. Sending bear hugs!
Thank you, Karen. I feel them.
Dear Andra – Your words are so poignant and heartfelt. Don’t stay in this place too long! A very thoughtful friend once told me to look for the contrast. It’s not easy, but I find it helpful! Sending you love and light!!!
The contrast is what silver linings are for. Hope to see you soon.
I do! I call on you. You have always been there for me. Always answered my call and given me what I needed to hear. Not always what I want to hear, but what I need. There are some folks I wish I could depend on, but their level of support seems to vary more by their mood than by my need.
I try to be there for my friends, sometimes I screw up. Royally. But overall I think I am fairly decent and being supportive and dependable. I sure aim to be. That is one of the reasons I chose my friends carefully – because I expect to have them a long time, and because I expect to be there to support them when they need it. And even when they don’t. I take that responsibility seriously.
I did appreciate your email over the weekend.
Andra, I can so completely relate to your words today. I wish I had answers, but I don’t. The only person I can rely on is myself, but my own personal brand of crazy makes me even doubt that sometimes. All I can say is, I’m here for you even if its in a virtual reality.
Having actually asked MTM yesterday if I am insane, I can absolutely relate to your comment, Lisa. I mostly question my sanity for having gone down this path.
And, thank you. I know what you’ve been through recently, and it far exceeds my temporary upset.
Hugs are the business. Just hold on tight to MTM and help him help you through
I feel like I’m holding on hard enough to strangle him right now, Fiona. He is a strong man, much stronger than I am, and sometimes I’m afraid I don’t give enough. I think I will go out and buy him a couple of birthday week gifts that include chocolate, because that makes everything better, right?
Good for you. Going to a movie and escaping for 90 or so minutes always helps the bummed blues, at least for a while. I’ve been in a bit of a muddle myself (and may just go to the show later). Hang on, dear Andra. From your responses to comments, I sense you see relief coming. Hugs from the Cutoff.
I thought Silver Linings was a good choice for where I was, Penny. It was either that or Zero Dark Thirty. I am woefully behind on the nominated movies this year. We finally saw Les Mis on Sunday, and THAT was NOT what I needed a) because I love the play so much that the movie could never, ever match it; and b) I needed an upper, not a downer.
Forgive me. I have gone off on a tangent.
I feel your hug, Penny, and I return one to you. I hope whatever is muddling your skies clears up soon. I wish life were simpler, more direct, sometimes.
One person for everything? Probably not. But I think I have *someone* for almost all the things I’d need to go to for anything.
I hope your week gets better soon, and I’m sorry I can only send you virtual hugs.
It is already getting better, because I’m to my day for which I had things planned to fill the time. The in-between was the hardest part.
I rarely look for a shoulder to cry on . . . instead, I look around for someone to make me LAUGH.
I wish I weren’t one of those people who needed a good cry once in a while.
Good think you had already seen Les Miz! I hope some sunshine comes into your week (literally and figuratively). I think your remedies of chocolate and shopping sound like just the thing. I would spout platitudes to make you feel better but I’m sure they wouldn’t do the trick. When my world crashes, I am lucky to have my life long friend, Susan. She will always listen to me (and I to her) and MOST of the time, she doesn’t offer advice. While you are out shopping for MTM’s birthday, buy yourself a little something, too. Happy Trails ahead!!
I’m sure you know a platitude from miles away by now, Jill. Every time I say something, I think that’s what I’m doing. Have you seen Les Mis yet? It probably is not the thing for where you are, or for those who easily get motion sickness. Those close-ups got to be too much after a while.
We saw Les Miz before Mom died. I loved it but not as much as the stage version. I agree about the close ups and Russell Crowe was woefully miscast. Anne Hathaway, on the other hand, was a pleasant surprise.
Every cootchie has a silver lining? Wow, well do tell….
Oh, Lord, Miss May. I have missed you.
Be very careful, you never know when I might pop-up!
I can offer you a long distance virtual hug, Andra, if that will do any good… just keep looking for the silver linings!
Virtual hugs are always good, Tom. Thank you.
Andra, I’m a soul that finds myself whispering in my alone time about all of the things that plague my mind and my heart. Who do I go to? Yes God…but sometimes even He sends me out to find another heart with ears that will be still enough to listen to my woes. It’s not often that I reach for people anymore, that part is really scary for me. But when I do, I pray with all of my might that it’s someone who can hear my inward agony even when I cannot express it. Those people are truly rare and much needed in this world…
P.S. You can always call me…I’m not really crazy either.
I should’ve just driven up to Charlotte and spent the past couple of days with you, Bonita. I will remember that next time. xo
I need to see this movie. I feel like Brad Cooper’s character was lifted from my notebooks and/or head. I may not be as good looking as him, but I’m as crazy. As you know from reading my stuff, I can relate to the subject matter. also, my wife has allowed me to have Jen Lawrence on a top 5 list kind of thing .
I bounced along with every word. I need your feelings of “out there”. But I take my popcorn without butter. I hope we can still be friends.
It would be a deal breaker for MTM, the King of Butter. But, for me, I am in it for the popcorn. It was largely what I subsisted on before I met MTM, who can actually cook.
I meant to say I “know” your feelings not “need”. now my comment isn’t friggin creepy.
I do have a lot of good friends, but I know what you’re asking, and of them all, I’m fortunate that I have one, probably only one, I could call and although she is out of state, it would be an effective connection. I have held a lot of other people together, but I’m not good at falling apart in front of people. I have my favorite coping methods…unfortunately, most are accompanied by food! Glad for the movie review. I’ve been wondering. I’m sure in time I’ll see it. I like the premise!
I’m not very good at falling apart, either. Luckily, I’m doing better today. Let me know what you think of the movie when you see it.
The no-attention-span society: I have learned a lesson from my dog.
There are times – not many, but a few – when he does not get the walk he deserves. When he must be hurriedly taken to the path at the back and patrolled up and down for a cursory two or three minutes. Yet on the brief his body language is always, without fail, celebratory, jubilant. I say to him, Mac, I say, how can you enjoy this when it is just a few minutes? But he does.
He is living purely for that one moment, because that moment is sweet. And I wonder if I could ever learn not to worry about depending on people when they are not there, but rather learn how to celebrate them, however transient their appearance in my life?
Probably not. But it would be a great trick.
sorry – on the brief walk!