I Am a Crazy Cat Lady
In my life, I have known a couple of Crazy Cat Ladies. Well-meaning women who had at least thirty cats apiece, living under their separate roofs. One of them even built a celebrated “Cat Room,” complete with a drain in the floor to hose the whole thing down when it got too, um, overwhelming for her.
People warned both of these Luny Ladies that those cats would eat them if they died within the confines of their own homes. Starry-eyed looks ensued…….it seems being eaten by cats meant passage to Heaven, most definitely a place with more cats. Or, the opportunity to live the next life as a cat. Or something.
I look around my house and fear I have become something akin to a Crazy Cat Lady, only my sickness is african violets. Or, my prodigious thumbs. I somehow render my violets horny enough to make babies faster than I can find potted homes.
I started 2013 with four african violets. Already, I am up to nine plants, if I separate all of the newborns into their own spaces. Little flowers erupt from every level surface in our home. They lean toward me when I stumble from the dark bedroom, and I almost smile a morning greeting in return.
I love flowers. Always have.
However, every table, desk, bookcase and floor surface sprouting furry green leaves and bunches of little flowers is not modernist minimalist. It ruins the sleek lines of our Danish modern furniture, destroys the aesthetic of an architect’s home.
MTM is having dreams. Bad dreams. That venus-fly-trap-like african violets are eating him in his sleep. When he wakes in a cold sweat and staggers to the bathroom, he tries to take aim, and more violets sprout from down there. It is madness (he says.) These pornographic flowers are taking over our lives (he exclaims.)
I try and fail to hug all my violets to me, to shield them from these outbursts. I pet their soft leaves and tell them he doesn’t mean it, and they reward me by popping out a new fur baby before my eyes, and I coo and tickle it, and MTM screams it’s either the $%^&# violets or him, and I have to think about that, and…….
Actually, no I don’t.
I have one established pink violet baby ready to go to a good local home. Who wants it? And, for those readers interested in how to make your violets randy reproducing machines wherever you are, here are my tips:
- Use liquid violet food in the water at every watering.
- Put violets in a bright spot, but do not let the sun beat down on the leaves.
- Water on the same day every week, and only water once a week.
- Use the right size plastic trays for watering from the bottom, and only water from the bottom. If the plastic tray is the right size, it will hold the proper weekly amount of water for your violet.
- Remove dead leaves and flowers promptly.