Top 10 Things To Avoid When You Are Hormonal
Watching Hee-Haw reruns from your childhood, the ones where drunk-and-disheveled men warble “Gloom Despair and Agony on Me.” You can relate, but hormonal empathy is misguided empathy.
The mirror. Nothing can correct the train wreck of blotches and bags you see there. Except, maybe a face transplant. And, the entire pharmacy shelf of anti-fluid retention pills.
Which leads me to……
French fries. You have the urge to eat french fries for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert. ALL THE FREAKING TIME. You sandwich your craving with multiple daily french fry snacks. You stuff the lovely pillows of potato and grease into your face in the middle of the night and blame the side effects on Ambien, which you do not take, when your beleaguered spouse catches you with french fries coming out of every orifice at four in the morning.
DO NOT EAT FRENCH FRIES. OR EAT IN GENERAL. See Number 9.
Asking your poor, long-suffering spouse if you are a failure. In fact, all talking should cease when one is hormonal, but silence exacerbates the problem, causing even-more-vile things to pop out of one’s mouth unfiltered……Is freezing one’s brain during hormonal blips possible?
Hibernating like a bear?
Electronic devices. Hitting ‘send’ or ‘post’ whilst hormonal can have consequences worse than the drunk dial. Friendships shattered. Professional relationships nuked. Which begs the question………why am I writing this again?
Long walks. Hormones seek out grease like Taylor Swift to her next revenge anthem. Do NOT walk around your neighborhood, especially if it has a place two blocks away that is yellow and green and sells grease with a side of fish.
The news. Everything will make you mad. EVERYTHING. Like this article, where you wonder why, WHY, you weren’t invited to this dinner. You once (sort of) worked for Bill Murray, after all……..
Clingy clothes. Avoid anything in your closet that hugs any bulge or curve……..If everything is clingy, does one have to wear clothes at all????
See also, the scale.
But, nixing garments for days can cause other problems……..see Number 2.
Sex. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is sexy about you right now. Regardless of what your horny partner says………….and cries…………and pleads…………….
Anything that will make you cry……….which means pretty much everything………including french fries……………
If you enjoyed this post, you can get one story a day, delivered straight to your inbox. Click the SUBSCRIBE button at the top right of this page, and you’re done.
Click here to circle me on Google+.
Click here to connect with me on Facebook.
Click here to connect with me on Twitter.
Thank you for spending part of your day with me.