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Like Selling Suspenders to a Belt Salesman

"Roy, why are you wearing those pants? Those are the worst pair of pants you own. Why don't you—" "Mom, just stop. He's probably using them as his trial pair. WHEN HE MESSES THESE

“Roy, why are you wearing those pants? Those are the worst pair of pants you own. Why don’t you—”

“Mom, just stop. He’s probably using them as his trial pair. WHEN HE MESSES THESE, HE CAN CHANGE TO SOMETHING MORE PRESENTABLE.”

“Huh?” Dad attempts to hoist grease-and-varnish-stained-homeless-man pants to waist. Pants refuse to expand around quintuplet-sized belly.

“Sigh……….Roy, WHY won’t you wear your suspenders? Your daughter doesn’t want to see—”

Dad’s pants fall to knees, leaving me traumatized grateful Mom rids drawers of holey underwear. Immediately wash brain of offending images.

“Mom, really. I don’t care what Dad shows me. I JUST WISH HE WOULD WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!”

The ground under house rumbles from force of my super sonic screech. Croaking, I continue.

“Mom, I’ve got to be in Camden Thursday for a lunch presentation. Why don’t you come over and meet me?”

“Now, Andra. You know your daddy will want to come, too.”

Dad again ‘accidentally’ drops pants.

“No. NO. Even though he can’t hear anything, he’ll somehow find out I’m giving a presentation, and he’ll worm his way in there, and before we all know it, The Roy Show will take over Camden Rotary Club.” I glimpse Dad’s hairy butt crack. “Imagine the carnage, Mom.”

“But, you know. They’d probably buy your whole stock of books just to get rid of him.”

Hmmmmmmmmm.

What do YOU think, Dear Reader? When I show up at Camden Rotary Club today, should I bring Roy along? Will Dad be able to remain a member of the audience? What’s your prediction for a Roy Show moment? Please leave your answers in a comment, and we’ll see who knows Roy best tomorrow.

 

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56 Comments

  1. An interesting transatlantic point of semantics…in England “suspenders” means “garter belt” which would more than frightening on Roy….”pants” means “knickers” that takes us into a place in which none of us wants to be. Good luck Camden….here comes TV Roy:)

  2. i say take roy along and think of him as your good luck minor league baseball mascot. the crowd will love him and it will help your game )

    1. We’ll see what he wants to do. I’m meeting my parents at 11:30 at a coffee shop. He may wear himself out talking to strangers there……….

  3. Take him. There will come a day that he will not be able to join you. Consider him part of the road show and savor the moments, remembering that “Life is short and dead is for a very long time”. Trust me on this one.

    1. You know that better than most.

      I’d love to bring the show to Aiken. If you’re part of a group who might enjoy it, please shoot me an email and let me know who to contact.

    2. I have to agree, take Roy with you and whatever happens, remember it. 🙂

  4. My vote is for a Roy show…as long as he keeps his pants up. (Thank you once again for an image of brain bleaching proportions.)

  5. Ditto what Pamela Beckford said. There’s a great story just waiting to happen– always, it seems, when it involves Roy.

  6. Heck yes take him!!!! I would be thrilled to meet him!!!! And I predict he will have a song or two to sing. At least I am really really hoping he does!!!

      1. Now Andra….technically he ‘can’ sing. He just cannot do it well. And I say that because I would REALLY like to hear him sing now. 🙂

  7. Of course he won’t. You father is a firm believer in “all the world’s a stage”, and we are merely his audience. Thing is though, the Roy Show is entertaining. Even to you. And it is profitable because that man can sell his story and sell books. I say take him along. Besides, it is Camden. They will love him there.

    1. They love him everywhere. The Rotarians up there have already gotten wind of his possible appearance, and they’re already making plates and preparing to pay for his lunch.

  8. Yes, bring Roy along and give him a specific job, like welcoming people at the door…there will come a day when he can’t join you…and you’ll really miss his comedy of errors and faux pas.

  9. Of course, take him along . . . Just be sure he’s wearing his suspenders! 🙂

  10. Definitely take him along — he’s a great salesman. If he’s bored, he’ll fall asleep before the Roy Show starts up. Otherwise …. well, they like you at Rotary, right?

  11. Like any type of performance, one must learn to enjoy embarrassment.

  12. Yes Roy. He is a delight. (of course I am an old fart so I would say that no matter.)

  13. Oh, I say take him! The hilarity that’s bound to ensue would so be worth it! 🙂 Good luck!

  14. Roy should have his own reality show. Seriously.
    I say bring him, because he’s awesome at sales! And he’s beloved!

    1. I don’t know how beloved he was by the end. I guess we’ll see tomorrow.

  15. As pointed out above Andra, in Blighty it translates to your Dad wearing garters to keep his knickers on. Now, I know he is a legend but a cross dresser to? I say he should go and steal the show – you will be mortified but we will be hugely entertained when you recount the tale.

  16. My father used to wear one pair of pants. He had drawers filled with them but he insisted on using them till they were rags.. Growing up poor is tough.. He died anything but poor..

    1. Still, he knew he only needed to wear one pair. 🙂 I know I have way more than I need. I wish I could realize that every time I buy something else.

  17. Yes. Yes. A million times yes to all things Roy.
    Bring on the stories tomorrow! 🙂

  18. Bringing Roy along will be nothing short of entertaining, and who doesn’t like a good show? I say bring him 🙂

  19. For as much as he frustrates you, he may appreciate the invitation more than words. Of course there will be hilarity and hi-jinks, and you being exasperated at him at the time but you may appreciate it later looking back on it.

    1. You don’t know what happened, Nate. Maybe I’ll be glad someday………

  20. I wish I had read this earlier in the day and I’m hoping the Roy Show went off without a hitch. Can’t wait to read about it!

  21. I loved meeting your dad at the book signing in Charleston Andra. I did not get to talk to him a lot but what little we did chat I enjoyed it immensely. I would love to sit down with him and just listen to his stories for an hour. 🙂

  22. But of course – take Roy and his suspenders along. If nothing else, you can raffle off the suspenders for a good cause.

  23. I’m reading this late, but I assume you took the hot mess with you and sold lots of books!

  24. Well, how did I miss this? LOL! I hope it all worked out to your advantage and not embarrassment, Andra. I’m supposing that Roy went along. How could you leave him behind. 🙂

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