Sibilance. For those of us who know nothing about the mysterious world of audio recording, it’s a thing that happens. Listening devices emit searing static, usually when the vocalist speaks the letters S, C and sometimes T.

And I have the most sibilant voice on the planet, Dear Reader.

I’ve recorded my entire book.

And it’s FULL of sibilance.

I thought I could get rid of it in processing. But I can’t without distortions that are equally annoying. Basically, I sound like Cindy Brady from The Brady Bunch when I de-ess my wave. (Please, be impressed with my mastery of the freaking lingo.)

So.

I’m at an impasse with an audiobook. I know some of you want it, and I know people who refuse to read might buy it. But to record the book without sibilance means a pretty radical vocal adjustment. I’m not saying I can’t make it. I used to change my voice all the time onstage.

But.

My husband will complain that I don’t sound like me. YOU will complain that I don’t sound like me. And people who don’t know me will still give the book two stars because I don’t sound like a professional vocalist, regardless of how well-written the book is.

I’m a writer.

I’m going back to writing for the balance of my writing retreat.

To hell with this.

(And I appreciate everyone’s suggestions, advice and helpful commentary, but right now, today, I really need a hug and a million drinks. Forgive me for sounding like a grouch. I will gladly accept jokes or virtual gin.)

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