On the eve of World Suicide Prevention Day, my brother tried to kill himself. I won’t be pithy or trite. A suicide attempt guts responses anyway. Synapses don’t fire. Fingers won’t type. Ideas refuse to flow…..or they overflow.
My brother first tried to kill himself at fourteen or fifteen. He found a loaded gun, but he couldn’t pull the trigger. Funny how triggers become life’s highlight. The thing in the cleft of the inevitable canyon. The constant no matter the speed of the fall.
For three decades, I watched my brother claw at immovable rock and sometimes climb to sunshine. When I was lucky enough to be in his life, I never saw more joy etched into a face. He made it. Sweaty, bruised, exhausted, battered, yes, but euphoria superseded everything. He inched himself back to living, and we who loved him basked in the glory of him whole.
A body can’t scale impossible cliffs forever. It breaks down, gives out, ages beyond its ability to thrive.
Much like a troubled mind.
It whiplashes from the pit of a roiling soul, a blackness no thought can expunge, no sentiment can quash, no love can surmount, until the psyche splats against the bottom, its sides too daunting to find the unreachable sliver of light. How many times did my brother lie alone in that chasm before he dragged himself to stand, groped through blackness and scratched a path to the light?
Time passes. It’s hard to celebrate another success. Light dulls when everyone knows there will be a next time.
I’ve never known how to cope with my brother’s flirtation with death. When I was younger, I lectured him, because I didn’t understand. The depression. The endless dark. Why couldn’t he pick himself up and be strong? Like me?
I begged my parents to force him to get help. I avoided him, because I couldn’t stand the wrecking ball of his presence. Would he welcome me? Or lock himself in his room and refuse to leave? I offered to help him when he lacked the energy to lift one mental finger and accept. Through everything, I gave him a broken kind of love. It never penetrated his churning spirit, never forced its way into the lightless expanse of his soul.
I know it isn’t my fault my brother now lies in a trauma unit, his body plugged into machines to eradicate the lingering effects of his latest suicide attempt. I understand no amount of love, of begging, of connection, can stop a determined person from harming himself when he’s too broken to undertake another climb.
My brother’s only hope, shackled within the prison of his own subconscious, is to finally find a path that works. A route to the top with tools to cushion his next fall. No matter how madly I want those things for him, he has to grasp them himself.
I mourn for those who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. I sob for my brother who can’t stop trying. I cry for myself and my parents, who live every day wondering when he’ll succeed.
I don’t know how to cope with suicide. I only know how to try.
***************
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I pilfered links to resources from Tori Nelson Young’s exquisite post about her mother’s suicide (READ IT HERE), and I added a few more.
RESOURCES FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION & DISCUSSION
International Association for Suicide Prevention
42 Comments
Good stuff. And check out the Semicolon Project.
I put a link in the post. I already know a couple of people who’ve gotten the tattoo.
I may very well do so soon.
Not everyone arrives on this planet equipped for the journey. The best we can do is to envelope them in love, and lead by example. Love him, make sure he knows you love him. Try to help him find tangible outlets for his pain, and his joys.
Having lived on the dark side of this topic, I can only say that I had to make the choice to live, and to make living worthwhile. I wish him, and you, a safer journey.
I’m sorry you speak from experience. I hope and pray this time, finally, he will get the help he needs to choose life.
The cliche is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But when it’s darkest and the flashlight won’t come on because the batteries are dead…what then? Sure, the pain and confusion stop, but it intensifies the pain, in all of its forms, for the people who love. I don’t have any solutions. The only course we have is dialog and to hang onto the thread.
I know. There are no easy answers or quick fixes. Email reply on its way to you.
Andra. I am so sorry. The only thing that has saved me so far are my children. I don’t live for me. I live for them. They need me, but really, I guess it is I who needs them because without them I’d be nothing. I am so sorry. The black hole is inviting I’m sorry to say. The feeling of nothing calls. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for the pain that you are all in.
Someday, it might help him to meet you. I’m glad you’ve found tools to cope, because you’re a joy in my life.
What can I say? I send prayers of solace and strength to all your troubled hearts. One can love unconditionally and provide support and help, and that is
Sorry, but I was cut off……the sentence should end with ……and that is what you are doing. Don’t punish yourself.
I believe the prayers, thoughts and strength will find those who need it most. Thank you.
Andra, I am so sorry. I am keeping all of you in my prayers. I can’t imagine how you and your parents are dealing with this. Hugs to all of you!
I can’t do anything, and I’ve probably done too much.
Oh Andra. Oh my friend. I am hugging you from here. Because I know, because I lost a brother, because I want to know what to say. I don’t know what to say
I love you my friend, please lean on me if you need to.
There’s never a right thing to say in these situations, but it helps to know so many people care and are sending prayers/thoughts/positive energy in his direction.
I am. I have you here in my heart.
I don’t know what words of comfort I could possibly offer. I’m sorry to hear you are all suffering so, and I wish the very best for you all. Lots of love, Heather.
Your comment and prayers are comfort enough. Thank you, Heather.
Prayers for all of you but especially for your brother.
He needs them most. Thanks.
i’m so sorry for your brother and for all of you who care about him. i have hope that he will finally find the tools he needs to live his life.
I hope, too. Hope only ends with life.
Oh Andra, I am so very very sorry. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please let me know if I can do anything at all. Truly. Rowe
Thank you. The energy and the prayers will build a ladder to the top. I hope.
Oh, dear Andra, I am so, so sorry. I am a praying sort and will keep your brother, you and everyone around you in my prayers. Please know you are in my thoughts.
Thank you, Penny. Every bit helps.
Thank you Andra. I have a sibling who attempted, and fortunately failed. I know of many left behind from a loved one leaving them by choice. Your words are so connected to many thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve tripped over.
It’s a rambling, but it came out as it did. I’m so sorry to hear we share this sorrow. xo
You ramble powerfully. I said a prayer before I replied to this, for you and your family. God bless you all.
“I begged my parents to force him to get help. I avoided him, because I couldn’t stand the wrecking ball of his presence. Would he welcome me? Or lock himself in his room and refuse to leave? I offered to help him when he lacked the energy to lift one mental finger and accept. Through everything, I gave him a broken kind of love. It never penetrated his churning spirit, never forced its way into the lightless expanse of his soul.”
These were very important words. I am so happy you wrote them. And I really hop God gets your brother to recover. I am so sorry you are in this sadness. I am so sorry your brother is. I wished I knew his inner demons. I wished I also understood what he was tired and afraid. I don’t care how large or miniscule it is but I wished I could help him too. No, your love did help. It preempted a lot of tries you don’t know about. It made less sense for him at times when you said you loved him. It made less sense to him when he forgot what sense was. I am so sorry he is in this pain. Whatever he experienced in life I hope he knows he is a soldier and has battled a deep condition and that his contributions for life are pretty important.
Oh Andra I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. A friend of ours lost her brother to suicide two weeks ago and my heart aches for everyone touched by these tragic circumstances. . Please reach out to your family and give each one of them a hug from me. Sending all my positive thoughts your way.
Andra, I cannot begin to imagine what you are all going through. An ocean full of prayers laps between us. I am relieved Neil is pulling through. Love from all of us Shrewsdays.
Thank you for this post, Andra. It must have been horribly hard to write. My thoughts and prayers go with your family.
My therapist sister-in-law hears stories like this a lot sadly. She’s on a suicide awareness team in this area and often speaks to businesses, schools, and other places to discuss this very topic.
My heart is with you and your family, Andra. I, of all people, know that recovery is possible. We will be coming your way this Monday, the 14th, but I imagine you are not up to visits. If you are, please msg me. WIll send you the link to my posts that address mental illness and my own slow slog back from the far side of sanity. Love to you.
Hugs,
Kathy
Andra I would like for you to pray for me. I to have experienced issues with depression and suicide. The thing is I believe you and I went to school together. Class of 89 Anonomous
Of course, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Thinking of you and your family. Hoping that all turns out well. Wishing I had an answer but there is no one answer to depression. Sending all good wishes.
Andra, again my thoughts are with you and your family.
One of the worst things about this is the lack of understanding that it is as much a matter of shame as it would be to have developed a tumour. In other words, the stigma should not be there. It is an illness, and one you cannot will yourself out of. I had a secretary once who was subject to fits of incredible depression. She knew there was no valid reason – she had a loving family and a fulfilling job – but it persisted. No amount of reasoning on her part or from those who cared for her helped.
She was on a high of optimism when she left work one Friday. That weekend she killed herself.
Your brother is suffering from a life-threatening disease. I do hope he is one who is able to find a cure.
My father attempted suicide. He was distraught that my mother was in a nursing home with dementia. I will never forget the helpless feeling. Dealing with his depression over the years was difficult, but this was….difficult to even describe. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your parents.
Andra, I feel like a very bad friend as I completely missed this post when you first published it. I have no words for you, your family, or your brother. I have always been baffled by suicidal thoughts and actions and how society has not found an answer for that. All that I can do is offer hope and prayers that your brother will one day come out of the cloud of depression.
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