Ever dreaded parental conversations? I don’t mean the ones parents have with children. Birds-and-bees. What death means.
I mean conversations parents foist upon their hapless children, filling their brains with things they NEVER, EVER wanted to imagine, hear, or know.
Me: Mom, I’m really upset. A couple of my friends are splitting up.
Mom: Oh, that’s terrible news. What happened?
Me: The usual sad stuff, I guess. Poor communication. Growing apart. No sex in almost five years.
Mom: WHAT? Don’t they know that’s what Saturday morning cartoons are for???
Me: *shut down facetime as fast as possible and scrubbed brain*
Bugs Bunny will NEVER be the same.
Mom: Your daddy came in here the other night and asked me if I missed sex.
Me: STOP TALKING!
Dad: Tell her what you said, Linda.
Me: NO. PLEASE. I DON’T WANT—
Mom: I said, “YES!!!!!!!!!”
Dad: Tell her what I did then.
Me: *pounded iPad on floor until it almost broke*
Their calls have gone to voicemail
for a WEEK. ICK.
Dad: You sure looked good today, Linda.
Dad: I saw how them men were looking at you, with your tight—
Me: WILL YOU STOP? YOU’RE GROSSING ME OUT, DAD!
My Brother: Well, you should be glad you don’t have to live with them.
My Brother: Because they NEVER wear clothes. If Dad stands in my bedroom door naked one more time and scratches himself while he talks about football—
Me: How did I turn out normal?
Don’t answer, Dear Reader.
Instead, give us a crazy parental
anecdote in today’s comments.
In the next two weeks, the audio version of Not Without My Father will be available! A special author interview! A Q & A with DAD! Almost seven hours of ME reading to YOU!
Click HERE to listen to the first chapter.