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melancholy milepost 167

On Why Melancholy Is Necessary

Writer Laren Stover made a case for melancholy in Sunday's New York Times. She exalted every excuse to be blue and extolled every morbid thought. She even imagined a world where she could retreat with her own darkness and despair. I closed my eyes and conjured the last time my world was truly black. Hopelessly hopeless. Months and months and months of downright morbidity. I was thirty-one and dumped by a man I wanted to marry.

Writer Laren Stover made a case for melancholy in Sunday’sΒ New York Times.Β She exalted every excuse to be blue and extolled every morbid thought. She even imagined a world where she could retreat withΒ her own darkness and despair.

I closed my eyes and conjured the last time my world was truly black. Hopelessly hopeless. Months and months and months of downright morbidity.

I was thirty-one and dumped by a man I wanted to marry.Β It was three in the morning, and I hyperventilated on my knees next to my sofa. The weight of my own grief and heartbreak pressed on my chest, a concave chasm where my heart used to be.

Minor things triggeredΒ tsunamis of tears. A glimpse of a green SUV. Travel articles on Maine. The gym. Football scores. The wispy tail of cigar smoke.

After more than six months of mourning, I still wasn’t ready to move on. Conjuring those instances, those snatches of melancholy, brought him back to me. I avoided anyone who told me I needed therapy or the latest pharmaceutical. I didn’t want sleep or numbing ofΒ pain.

Life is pointless whenΒ I can’t feel it.

I boarded the roller coaster of melancholy. I embraced the bar and paid to ride again. And again. And again.

Some of my best writing still flows from the well of despair. When we avoid life’sΒ lows, what are we really missing? I’m not talking about clinical depression or mental illness, which can have tragic ends if left untreated. But are a few blue days really terrible? Should I pretend I’m happy when I’m sad? Or can I be both happy AND sad?

I agree with Ms. Stover. Good art requires me to be brave enough to dive into dark depths and swim to another shore. Melancholy may not be for everyone. But sometimes, it’s definitely for me.

How do you deal with melancholy?

(Find Ms. Stover’s NY Times article “The Case for Melancholy”Β HERE.)

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24 Comments

  1. I’ve long understood that emotional life can be a rollercoaster. The Blues, both on guitar and in my writing, evens the ride. I am compulsively expressive. Always have been. To express melancholy is something people immediately relate to. It is a way to connect with other humans, a way to bridge the gap for the isolated. Yeah, we all have to go to sleep alone, but to realize there are connections can make it less terrifying.

    1. Author

      I’m in the car on the way to Atlanta today. Please excuse mistakes from my device. I don’t know that I’ve been truly depressed more than three times in my life. But blue? Yeah. Lots. Especially during this phase, when so much about this writing thing feels insurmountable, yet I can’t really share it.

  2. I usually give in to what I’m feeling. I’ve been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I want to cry, I cry. I also laugh hysterically when I think something’s funny. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that as long as you can bounce back and don’t let sadness take over your life.

    1. Author

      I truly believe melancholy helps me appreciated life’s ups. I savor more because I’m not afraid to be blue. It’s not a feather bed for me, though. I don’t stay there long.

  3. I used to give in to deep despair and sadness when I was younger. As I got older, though, those days of depression hurt too much. I know that I’m down, depressed, sad, messed up, but I just don’t let those bottom of the barrel emotions out any more. It’s not that I am denying the fact — I know the fact, but temper the emotions. Don’t want to feel that hopeless ever again.

    1. Author

      It’s important to know our boundaries and to respect them.

  4. I have to say I am a bit of an empath, so my emotions are close to the surface. I have been practicing to reign it in a bit because it is an acquired taste and not many people get me at times. I am finding that a quite place to connect with my whole being is best for everyone and I feel better for it too. I can be down or low while being happy, good or positive. It is about my mindset and my perspective in that moment and taking the time to just process before doing anything.

    Great Post Today – Happy Day – Enjoy πŸ™‚

    1. Author

      I’m probably a lot like you. I still force myself to read cues in others and still don’t always get when I’m being too deep or revealing or whatever. I try to tell myself most people don’t really want to know me as well as I want to know them. You can probably relate. πŸ™‚

      1. I can so relate. It is better as an adult, but as a child oh boy confusing, frustrating, disappointing, etc.

  5. I have had some deep lows on this journey and when I’m in the trough I give in to the emotion and let it consume that piece of me that is meant to be destroyed. Once done I am then free to continue the hill climb to the next plateau unencumbered by the pain. How do I know the destruction is over? I really am looking forward to the next destination and I feel I have given enough at the office.

    1. Author

      I absolutely relate. I almost never write how hard it is to be on this path. If I shared, I’d be a pariah everywhere. The easiest part of writing is writing. The hardest part is everything else: people who insult you to your face, and you can’t respond; people who go out of their way to make it harder; people who make fun; people who attack you online or in person. A lot of writers feel pressure from marketing, but for me, it isn’t the selling part. It’s the number of doors I must kick and pound and bulldoze, the number of noes I must endure to get one yes (and often that yes is begrudging), and the injuries I suffer to obtain things that look glamorous from the outside. I only share those victories. I never, ever write about the injuries and metaphorical near-death experiences.

    1. Author

      I wish I’d been still yesterday. These are the kinds of post I miss writing, because I value the commentary so much. (Since someone said they missed the kinds of posts I wrote yesterday……)

      I love truth, until we get to an individual’s truth. Ha. I did a big push to help my books find a broader audience, and with that comes the nuances of the individual. Everybody doesn’t get me. Some dislike me. Others outright hate me, and they make sure to spell that out in places that impact my ability to reach even more people. I find comfort in knowing I write my truth. I’m not responsible for how it hits others, as long as I know I’ve produced the best thing I can.

  6. I avoid it like the plague. Seriously. The plague. I don’t watch sad shows. I don’t read sad books (per se) and I attempt to not listen to sad songs…once melancholy gets its tentacles into me…it does not release me, it feeds on me, it sucks all the light from me, it bleeds my soul dry. I attempt to avoid it, that being said, it is very difficult to avoid and since it’s always in the forefront of my mind (avoiding it – looking for it), I’m always on the cusp. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts…is it any wonder that sometimes I just want to feel the flow as I go down the rabbit hole and embrace the dark? The non-existent light? Okay, time to climb out again. My heart hurts for you Andra. Hope your brother is faring well as well as you, MTM and your parents. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him…and the rest of you. πŸ™‚ My best to all. A card will be forthcoming.

    1. Author

      Your challenge is very different from mine. I spent a lot of time talking with a friend who attempted suicide to try to understand how to talk to my brother. I better understand what he needs to hear, but those words and phrases are still so incomprehensible. I feel like I’m speaking Chinese, but I keep telling myself everything else I tried sounded like Chinese to his ears. More than a few times, he’s mentioned how much your messages mean. (As has my mother…….bet you never thought you’d hear THAT. πŸ™‚ ) He had four rounds of ECT and is back at work. When I asked him how he felt after the final session, he said, “I feel good,” his tone lighter and more hopeful than I’ve heard it in years, like he was surprised he could say it and mean it.

      1. I commend you Andra, when I try and explain to those that love me, they do not understand and tell me I’m thinking wrong…um, yeah, that’s the point, but how you get to thinking “right?” Thank you for the sweet words….I knew your Mom would come around. πŸ˜‰

  7. sometimes we have to take a step into the blues before we can once again embrace the other colors.

    1. Author

      I tend to avoid people when I’m in that place. Except for MTM. He’s stuck with me no matter what.

  8. How do I deal with melancholy? Swearing. Tears. Chocolate. Adult beverage.

  9. I don’t get melancholy to the point that it’s truly crippling, to the point that it impairs my ability to function. It is something I can deal with by sitting in comfortable places, watching movies I hadn’t gotten to in too long, drinking teas, that sort of thing. Quiet and inner-directed, really.

  10. Some of our best writing comes during periods of deep emotion. Of course, that means it may also be very charged, and we should revisit it before considering it a fait accompli, but if we’re stuck with that melancholy (or anger, or joy, or whatever the case may be), we might as well use it!

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