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Posts from the ‘Movies’ Category

Luck Be a Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was lucky. And unlucky. Or, he accomplished things that changed the course of a nation’s history, and he died before his fight was entirely won. Before he could oversee Reconstruction. Before he could knit a crippled nation back together.

We’re lucky he existed. And unlucky he was taken too soon.

I’m not going to review Stephen Spielberg’s movie or Daniel Day- Lewis’s performance. I have other fish to fry today. But, MTM and I did see the film over the weekend. We both agreed that Daniel Day-Lewis brought Lincoln to life.

It was misty when we exited the theater. Dark when we found the car in the crowded lot. We climbed into Miss Mini and backed out, in a hurry to give another circling vehicle our spot.

MTM put the car in ‘drive.’ A second later, he slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car and ran around to the front. He bent over and picked something off the ground. When he took the driver’s seat again, he handed that thing to me.

It was a five dollar bill. Folded in half. Face up. Abraham Lincoln stared back at me.

Honestly.

I accused MTM of planting that money, of palming it and creating a theatrical production in front of the car. After some wide-eyed talking, he finally convinced me that he really found it there. In a busy parking lot, with lots of people milling about, someone lost a five.

I guess that’s one way of looking at it.

But, we were both pretty freaked out.

Is my lost fiver is a manifestation of the lucky side of Lincoln? Another sign in a long slog of inexplicable, hair-raising nods from the universe? Someday this will make sense, but for today, I’m just glad someone lost a five dollar bill at the end of Lincoln.

And, MTM found it for me.

A Brand New Day

When I wake and my brain’s all fuggy, there’s nothing for it but to go back to bed. And, get out the big screen. Fire up the projector. Slide The Nightmare Before Christmas into the slot. Munch buttered popcorn and wait for a brand new day.

Today.

How do you goof off, even when you know have better things to do?

Finger Me

What does a girl have to do to get fingered around here? I’ve tried all kinds of tricks to get that kind of attention. Stroking. Pressing. Rubbing. Sliding. Bumping. Even gentle touching.

None of it compares to anticipating my every whim. Reading my brain waves from the slightest blip of desire. Anticipating each flicker of movement, and giving me what I want.

When I want.

Every time.

A mere $70 is all I have to spend on this brand of instant gratification. One price for who-knows-how-many, um, climaxes in a row.

I’ve decided. I’m pre-ordering the Leap.

(What did you think I was talking about, huh?)

As God Is My Witness, I’ll Never Be Hungry Again

Alice grew up in a house that looks like Tara from the movie Gone With the Wind. Same boxy shape and two story pillars out front. Same white paint and symmetry. Same Spanish moss dripping from the surrounding trees that weep down the bluff to the black water of the Edisto River. Walking in the woods around the house, one can almost hear General Sherman’s men, whispering in the sizzling afternoon breeze. He crossed the river there, one stop on his rampage of burning The South to submission during the Civil War.

When Alice first took me to Denmark, South Carolina to visit her childhood Tara, I felt like I had been invited into the Holy of Holies. Along with Cayleigh, we spent the afternoon picking speckled camellias from the towering bushes surrounding the house and walking the property with Alice’s dad to survey the dilapidated deer stands. Her father set fire to one of his outbuildings and watched the rest of us scramble to extinguish it, an aw-shucks smile on his face. Afterward, he came inside and made us fire-in-the-gullet cocktails, and we decamped to the screened porch that runs the length of the back of the house. Sipping. Rocking. Chattering. And grinning.

The shadows of early evening stretched long across the grass, bringing David, a family friend, rolling up the circling dirt driveway in a haze of dust. Alice’s father puttered off to church to print something on the computer, leaving the rest of us to enjoy another round of cocktails with David. On the surface, he was an average Southern man: white hair, impeccable manners, clothing that encased him in cool even when it was boiling.

But.

He had a way of coaxing things out of a person, of divining what was special in others. One could spend an hour talking with him and feel like life-long friends, realizing much later that he revealed nothing about himself.

I was privy to that talent more than most, because I ended up locked in the bathroom with him.

While we sat on the back porch sipping our second drinks, the sky turned a pulsing shade of green. A howling wind thundered from the heavens, and bullets of ice bounced around the yard.

This looks like tornado weather.” Alice’s mom studied the boisterousness behind the scant shield of the front door. “Let’s get in the bathroom.”She picked up Cayleigh and started toward that wing of the house before pausing. “Oh, and don’t forget your drinks.”

The five of us – Alice, her mom, Cayleigh, David and me – all cowered in a bathroom the size of a large closet, protection that would’ve been worthless had the tornado knifed through the sky in a direct hit. David told jokes while it crashed all around us, while we listened to its discordant notes, while we sipped our gin and tonics and waited for the sky to either open up and swallow us or turn a peaceful shade of blue.

Tara.

It has a mythic ability to conjure tight bonds, to swirl with genteel Southern men, to endure blasts from the pits of hell, and to always know the importance of a stiff drink at the proper time.

Some things never happen at the proper time. David died last week. He’s swirling up there somewhere, watching over all of us, a cold drink in his hand.

This post is part of a series that celebrates my friendship with Alice Guess as she moves to Baton Rouge, LA. If this is your first visit, please click here and read forward. Thank you for reading and sharing your stories here. 

Toys in the Attic

The movie “Hysteria” is a hilarious romp through hysterical Victorian England. It chronicles the invention of the electric vibrator through the course of many doctor-supervised orgasms. The costumes alone are worth the price of admission, but the dialogue is witty and sharp, and the story is compelling.

From my late teens onward, I was enthralled by the notion of feminine hysteria, that catch-all description for any and all traits deemed disagreeable by those on the planet who were not female. Melancholia. Nymphomania. General malaise. A contrary nature. Pretty much anything could be deemed hysteria, a condition caused by the displacement of the uterus that only, um, stimulation could correct. Women regularly visited doctors to achieve medically administered orgasms to treat hysterical symptoms. It led to the invention of the vibrator, a sex toy that was prescribed for hysteria until the 1950′s.

I guess I wanted to see the movie because I had a sex toy in my attic for years. I still can’t believe how it got there.

My ex worked for a certain shipping company that you’d recognize by their brown vans and brown uniforms. Everything had to be loaded onto the trucks and off the floor by a certain time, or management faced sanction. If my ex and his managerial team couldn’t get everything loaded, they put stray packages in the trunks of their cars to avoid detection during inspection, slipping them into the shipping roundup the following day.

One afternoon, I came home from a long day of work to find a plain box on my dining table. No return address. No markings. A name I did not recognize. Open it my ex instructed. Inside, I found a humongous, turgid man tool shaped vibrator.

I screamed and ran out of the room like I’d opened the box to find it full of rats, my ex’s laughter following me out of the house. I don’t care WHAT you do with that thing, but I don’t EVER want to see it again.

And, I didn’t.

Until I was packing up my first house to move.

My ex and I had been divorced for several years, all vestiges of him wiped from my life. Except for his toy lingering in the attic. After all, toys in the attic are much like skeletons in the closet, arent’ they?

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