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*Sigh*

Name:
Andra Watkins

Code Name:
CPA Lady (I know. Not sexy. Possibly male repellent.)

Address:
525 Hidden Boulevard, Mount Pleasant, South Carolina 29464 (1)

Email:
andracpa@aol.com (2)

Picture:
Uh-uh. No way. This town is too small for a photo. I am mortified that I am on this Site of the Desperate to Date in the first place. I’ve already identified about fifty people I know from their photos, which means they will know me, which further underscores my state of mortification.

Reason You’re Here:
I just got dumped after an almost four year relationship that I thought would culminate in marriage, babies and unending bliss. (Don’t print that.) I’m 32 but keep getting asked out by college students. While that’s flattering, because they’re college students (did I mention I’m 32?), going out with one of them didn’t work so well for me. We didn’t have that much to talk about, and I wasn’t into the beer bong. My other attempts at dating age-appropriate men were failures (guy who dropped out of seminary because he liked sex with men, because, really, I’m NOT a secret man; guy who insisted that we had to stop at his place because he ‘forgot something,’ only to come out in his underwear and insist we stay there – EWWWWW; and guy who was Swiss-Italian – exotic, THE ACCENT – but, at nine years younger than me and only here a year, not in the market for anything serious. It was fun, though.) I guess you’re going to make me admit I’m seeking something serious. With a man. Who likes women.

Age:
I already told you I am 32 and single. Must you keep making me repeat it?

Weight:
Seriously? Not overweight. How’s that?

Height:
5′ 7″

Education:
What does this question mean, exactly?
I went to college. I graduated. I have letters behind my name. None of this seems to impress men.

Religion:
Good grief.
I am Baptist. I respect just about any viewpoint, because arguing over faith issues is a waste of time. Nobody can prove what they believe is correct, because it is a faith issue, so I prefer to be respectful of different points of view. Does anyone on Earth see things that way anymore? Maybe just one guy? Who’s single and likes women? Answering this question is making my head hurt.

Children:
I have to decide how I feel about that right now? Okay. Let me back up. Perhaps, you’re asking whether I have any. NO. If I’m supposed to reveal whether I am a suitable mother for a potential mate’s babies, how am I supposed to know? I’ll just say that I think, for me, parenthood is a decision that should come from a void, a yearning to know a person that only I can create with someone I love and respect. I don’t feel that yearning to know this non-existent person today, but maybe I will someday. It’s hard to think about all that when I can’t even find an age-appropriate guy who’s gainfully employed, not abusive or controlling or a jerk, who likes women. Can we move on?

Profession:
Well, this one ought to make men FLOCK to my profile. I’m a CPA who runs a law firm. I tell lawyers what to do, every day, all day long. Translated: I am a ball-buster. According to the attorneys. They only put up with me because they make more money when they do what I tell them to do. (Do we really have to include this part? Can I just say I have a job? No? *Sigh*)

Interests:
I like theater, reading, travel, shoes, playing piano, singing, acting, writing in my journal, hanging out with my friends and taking baths. And yes, I realize this will match me with gay men, so let me also say – emphatically – that I like to have sex with men who like to have sex with women. Just in case your algorithms get confused.

Match.com is tabulating your information………………..We can’t WAIT to reveal your perfect Match!…………………

And, here he is, your PERFECT LOVE CONNECTION……………………

SERIOUSLY? This is my perfect match? The guy who came out in his underwear on a date with me?

$%^&*#$%@#^&%$#@#%&%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DELETE ACCOUNT.

(1) I no longer live at this address. Please do not put the people who now live there on junk mail lists and waste trees, paper and fossil fuel.
(2) Account no longer exists.

This post is part of a series. If the catchy title brought you here today, please follow the link to this post and read forward. And, stick around. There’s more to come.

For those of you who didn’t know it, MTM once lived in a little town called Chicago, Illinois. For six years, he ran his own architecture practice. He competed in worldwide architecture competitions, resulting in skyscrapers in Korea that he’s never seen. He was even a finalist in the Oklahoma City Memorial Competition and ended up on CNN.

Last weekend, he took me past a visible remnant of himself by showing me something he designed. On the front of a building in downtown Chicago, an entryway blared out MTM’s signature sensibilities, his clean lines and minimalist style. It was a piece of him that I could reach out and touch, from a time when I didn’t know him.

As we shivered our way around the city, I would catch our reflection, walking side-by-side in a random window glass. And, I wondered: did he ever walk this way and glimpse me? The two of us, together? When he ate fish and chips at his favorite pub, did a girl turn her head and conjure my image in her wake? Give him some clue of who he was seeking before he found me? Before he said hello?

I’ve studied photos of MTM from that time, scanning his younger face for the certainty of me. My favorite one of him from that era wasn’t taken in Chicago, though. It was shot in Japan. He is sitting alone in front of a glassy pond, broken by circular stepping stones, cherry blossoms dropping around him like pink-and-white confetti.

Somehow, I know I was there, too.

I just know it.

Too Much is Just Enough: Seeing the signs and knowing they are true.

MTM Me and Kellie
Kellie Rasberry is the most famous person I know, a personality on the nationally syndicated Kidd Kraddick in the Morning Show. Even though we grew up in the same church, graduated from the same Christian school, and have degrees from the same *cough* university, I still don’t know her well. But, we do have a shared history of sorts, enough for me to cheer for the success she has found in her life.

Kellie agreed to have dinner with MTM and me while we were in Dallas. I think she was charmed by MTM, but, what girl wouldn’t be? On the other hand, I think I spent far too much time worrying about being genuine and probably just came across as stiff and fake. I guess that’s because I always looked up to Kellie when I was growing up. Being the same age as her younger brother made me automatically uncool, and that’s perfectly understandable.

Kellie was more accepting than I was. She did invite me to a party when I was in ninth grade. I remember being giddy because I was included with that group, because a boy I had a desperate crush on was going to be there.

And, that boy talked to me the whole time. Kellie’s party turned me into a boy charmer, infusing a confidence in me that I didn’t have on my own back then. Or, maybe her invitation did that for me. Either way, the boy in question was riveted by me, and I was ceaselessly grateful to her.

At some point, everyone cleared out of the house and ran into the woods with paper bags in tow. I started to follow on something called a ‘snipe hunt,’ thinking it would be another fun Kellie activity that I needed to know about because she thought it was cool. I stood at the edge of the woods, hearing catcalls and laughter and screaming, missing out on all the fun. I turned to that boy and begged him to take me snipe hunting, too.

Whatever it was.

He smiled and said, “Andra, they’re just using the snipe hunting thing as an excuse to go into the woods and make out.”

!

And, just like that, my evening was ruined. Why didn’t the boy want to take me ‘snipe hunting?’ Was I somehow not ‘snipe’ material? Not ‘snipe worthy?’

I know someone who is ‘snipe worthy,’ and that person is Kellie. She is a strong woman who can hold her own with anyone, and that means weak, pathetic dudes need not apply. Or dudes who are selfish. Or dudes who can’t handle being in her aura. (And, I realize that excludes a lot of dudes. But still.)

If you are a guy who is sure of who he is; who can hold his own in a conversation; who possesses quiet strength; and who knows how to have a blast in all forms of public places, go up to Kellie the next time you see her and ask her to go snipe hunting.

She just might say yes. After all, it’s the deep guys who get my blog. *Wink. Wink.*

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Too Much is Just Enough: Sneaking a Smooch