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Posts tagged ‘dream’

The Crime of No Passion

Collected thoughts from a speech I’m giving at my Rotary Club Leadership Retreat today. It applies to life, not just to Rotary.

Why do human beings fear passion? Down the tunnel of time, people who exhibit passion have been called….crazy. Cuckoo. Nuts. Overbearing. Other Unflattering Adjectives. A crime of passion doesn’t conjure anything positive, as we recall the scenes of murder, suicide and mayhem that parade across paper pages and blinking screens.

Most people spend their lives suppressing their passions, lest they be viewed as one of the Nut Jobs Who Scare People by the People Who Are Too Scared to Care Too Much About Anything. They don’t throw an ember of sizzle into their jobs, lest they fail to achieve their dreams. True friends never know how much they matter, because showing it is mushy or uncomfortable. Spouses languish in the corner, oblivious to how passionately they might be loved or cherished. Children learn early to suppress their passions from parents who teach them to avoid it rather than to embrace it.

We make lots of excuses for the crime of no passion. My passion won’t really make a difference anyway. It’s too much emotional effort and hard work to care this much. My friends know they matter to me, really. I would never stay married to someone about whom I’m not passionate….and my partner KNOWS it. Somehow. Deep down, I’m afraid to look ridiculous, hanging out there as the only person who cares, risking taunting jabs from my peers when I ultimately fail.

In my life, my misguided passion has destroyed many things. A first marriage. A relationship I wanted to be a marriage. A volunteer effort. Even a job. So, how can I possibly muster the will to care, to burn that flame of heated passion, ever again?

Perhaps I never learn.

I’m passionate about Rotary because of what it does. Take our Happy Feet program, which buys school shoes for needy kids in our community. I readily admit that some of the kids who come for freebies don’t need them. But, I show up every year to see the explosion of wonder behind the guarded eyes of a child whose shoes are two sizes too small and duct-taped together. Once she realizes she can pick out a new pair of shoes – any shoes – and wear them home, she stands taller, steps truer, grins wider. The echoes of her thank-yous ring in my ears for months, riding a wave to the next one. And the next one. And the next one. A tidal wave of passion.

I cannot make anyone else have passion for a thing. No amount of goading or begging or manipulating will ignite the true fires of another’s passion. It has to burn from within an individual, and most people will decide they don’t need it.

But.

Inciting the fearless pursuit of passion in a few can build a team of people who will impact the world for the better. If that’s all I accomplish in my year as President of my Rotary Club……..I’ll take it.

What’s your passion?

Two by Two by Two by Two

Round. White. Round and white. Encased in cloudy green. Two little discs, bitter on the tongue. I swallowed, thinking I was done.

Those vile orbs summoned me again, green plastic and cotton. Letters of bloody red. Eat me. I’m a Christmas tree they said.

Another time, they screamed from the drawer. But, it’s only been an hour………..We don’t care. Have some more.

Two more monstrosities, burning through my hand. Blurry, out of focus. Unsteady legs that couldn’t stand.

What are you doing? MTM said. Foggy voice. Blasting through a tunnel. How many have you had?

I don’t remember what I said.

One eye awoke. The other swollen shut.

I dreamed I killed my migraine.

Never still, it woke me up.

Anticipation

This post is part of Sidey’s Challenge at View From the Side.

From the comforting coma of sleep, I am jarred upright. I smell it again. Sweet. Salty. Stiff.

I can’t see the clock. It’s still dark. Propelled by my nose, I pad bare feet on cold pine floors. My longing leaves me seeking the source all over the house.

Pounding heat radiates from underneath a door. When I bound through it, nothing awaits me on the other side. A blank. Not even a room. My craving mind is making mirages in the desert of my trembling center. With quaking hands, I close the door.

Saliva burns on my tongue. It catches in my raspy, ragged breath. Desire piles upon desire as I ease myself around a corner, the odor powerful enough to embrace. Arms outstretched, I run into a wall. When I turn to retrace my path, I am surrounded in a chamber of ravenous perfume. I writhe against the prison of my cube, teased and titillated without hope of satisfaction.

I…….

Wake up, Dear. I’ve got breakfast.

Bacon. I’ve waited an eternity since yesterday.

Of Them All

This post is part of the Mirror Series. If this is your first visit to the Mirror Series, please click here and follow the arrows at the top right of each post to read the series from the beginning. Thank you for reading!

You almost came to be when I was two. Nobody could tell who you were. Brother? Sister? Yet, you’ve haunted me for years. People make impressive lists chronicling the People They’d Like to Meet, always designed to impress.

Of them all, I wish I could meet you.

Sometimes, I glance up from the bowl of the sink as I’m washing my face and wonder how much yours would’ve resembled mine. I see a striking sunset and try to imagine whether you would close your eyes and let the final rays warm your face in peace or scrounge for the camera and miss it like I do all the time. Would our personalities attract like the right sides of two magnets, perpetually joined with the familiar bond I envy with a twang in my heart every time I see it in the wild? I daydream that we’d be close, trading secrets, understanding what it’s like to not-quite-fit. Maybe you’d visit me, and we’d stay up all night sharing the minutiae of our separate lives.

I think you’d be a singer, blessed with our Mother’s ethereal voice, belting out show tunes at parties with our Father’s uninhibited personality. Worry wouldn’t furrow your brow. Regardless of your genetic encoding, you’d be the person to make me lighter, as I encouraged you to realize your dreams.

Perhaps.

You had lots of dreams, floating in your tiny sea. Snatches of them flit by my ears embedded in particles of air. On the street, I see remnants of them in random unfamiliar faces. I seek you everywhere, hoping you landed inside someone I’ve yet to meet, a person my soul will recognize because part of me died with you. Bits of me were never born, because you never existed to complete them.

You rattle chains around my aura and tap my headboard when I dream. Of all the phantoms that walk the Earth, What Might Have Been is the hardest one to shake.

Into the Closet

I know. I know. People are supposed to burst forth from the closet these days. It is no longer cool to go into the closet. I understand. I get it.

Unless the closet is MY closet, where I’m feverishly typing on my Mac keyboard. I’m sitting on the cork floor – it’s recycled, don’t yell at me – a floor that has been over six years in coming. I truly think I’m going to park my behind up here on this floor all day today. Spending a serious amount of time with it is the only way I’m likely to convince myself that it is real.

I don’t have a totem* to prove to myself I’m not dreaming. Yet.

On Saturday, I wrote a post about architects and their quirks as they relate to the movie “Inception.” My husband, a very talented architect (I’m biased, but it’s true) and former construction worker in his youth (a deadly, deadly combo) has designed the ultimate closet for me, one that will contain all my crap and millions of unnecessary pairs of shoes while somehow managing to look modernist minimalist.

No, all of my clothing is not black, thus defeating the “modernist minimalist” idea already.

I’ve dreamed about this closet so much that I truly do not know whether what I’m seeing now is real or a mirage. Perversely, I cannot seem to find anything here that will serve as a totem* to test my sanity, something that I can spin upon what may or may not be a genuine cork floor to see whether or not it will rotate into infinity, demonstrating the dream, or fall over, proving this to be blessed reality.

Looking………looking………

Ah! Jimmy Choo! The ultimate paradox – a maker of heels so high it seems perversely impossible that one could take a pace in them without falling miserably over in dire pain; yet, they’re one of the most comfortable pairs of shoes I possess. (Okay, I tell myself this because they cost six hundred dollars, and I would be an idiot to spend that much money to have my feet tortured.)

Jimmy won’t let me down. He’ll tell me what’s real. I’m placing the exquisite black satin platform stiletto with its graceful ankle strap on the floor. I’m spinning it on its spiky heel, round and round, while I prostrate myself on the lovely cork floor in front of it.

I could lie here all day. Maybe I will, watching as Jimmy continues to spin.

* totem – Objects used in the movie “Inception” to determine whether the subject is dreaming or not. When dreaming, the totem spins and spins and spins without falling over. When in reality, the totem spins and falls over, telling the person they’re not dreaming.

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