During our last episode of F’ed Up Fantasy Family, I reported the gift of an iPad to my aging parents. They wanted access to FaceTime in a purported bid to follow new-ish extended family members.

I was convinced they would use FaceTime while naked.

I pondered the brain-bleaching consequences of Naked FaceTime With Aging Parents. For hours. And days. Experts claim one can banish worry by imagining the worst possible thing that can happen.

THAT ISN’T EFFING TRUE.

I haven’t slept since I gave my parents an iPad. Thanks to you, Dear Reader, I’ve imagined every conceivable scenario of shriveled, wrinkled, toilet-ridden, butt-dialing parental FaceTime nakedness. I had to do something to relieve the pressure, to rid myself of shrieking every time my iPhone/iPad/MacBookAir brayed another FaceTime request.

I decided to be the first Naked FaceTimer.
I would beat them at their own game.

If I called my parents from the bathtub, surely they would see how ridiculous I looked, and they wouldn’t try to copy me.

Here I am, FaceTiming my mother from the sanctuary of my guest bathroom.

naked facetime

(I’m the naked one in the upper right-hand corner, not the naked one taking up most of the screen.)

Sigh.

I guess she showed me.

*******

Read What Happened When I Gave My Parents an iPad HERE.

iPad

My father is almost eighty-one. My mother is……….well, she’ll kill me if I type a number over fifty. Her birthday was around Father’s Day. They ganged up on us with one request:

an iPad mini.

“Because I want to be able to FaceTime your cousin Lori and see her baby. And your daddy wants to video call you ten times a day.”

!

I’m not sure I want video calls from either parent. I’ve been hearing blush-worthy tales of their escapades since my brother moved in with them.

My brother: “Can I put a lock on my bedroom door?”

My mother: “Why ever would you want to do that?”

My brother: “Because if Dad barges in butt-nekkid one more time and stands there and talks to me while he scratches himself, I’m gonna lose it.”

Apparently, my parents are nudists at home.

WHICH IS WHY I CRINGE
OVER THE WHOLE FACETIME THING.

Let’s take bets, Dear Reader. How will my parents first experience Naked FaceTime? Will Mom call my husband while she’s in the bathtub, thinking she’s calling one of her sisters? (That’s what she’ll claim as she flashes her boobs and laughs. Just wait.)

Or will Dad give me a wiener shot as he pees in the backyard? I mean KILLS TERMITES. Because OF COURSE everyone knows urine kills termites.

Sigh.

If I explain what’s captured and recorded online these days, it won’t matter. Mom won her gym’s monthly weight lifting title in her age bracket. She WANTS everybody at the NSA to see how hot she is.

Dad still doesn’t understand how video travels the internet, but that won’t stop his tingly fingers from pressing the green-and-white button a hundred times a day. He thinks everyone should witness his epic bowel movements.

What do you think, Dear Reader?
HOW WILL MOM OR DAD
NAKED FACETIME MTM AND ME?

Read what happened the first time I facetimed them