Dad, um, wow, you want to spend the night?
I SAID, YOU WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT!!!!!?????!!!!!
Yeah. We, uh, me and Linda, we can come down there and you can buy us, uh, we can go out to eat.
And, so they came. My parents. Yesterday.
(Five minutes after entering our house.)
So, uh, what’re you gonna do with this furniture, huh? That ice box. You’d better not sell it.
Dad, I’m not going to sell it.
I SAID, I’M NOT GOING TO SELL IT. (Looking at my mother.) The only reason you are spending the night is because he wanted the excuse to go through the entire house and decide what pieces of furniture he wanted.
(Mom laughs hysterically.)
HUH????????? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING OVER THERE?????
I SAID, THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE HERE IS TO LOOK AT THE FURNITURE AND MAKE SURE I DON’T SELL IT. IN FACT, I’M SURPRISED YOU DIDN’T DRIVE YOUR TRUCK DOWN HERE!!!!!
(Mom laughs uncontrollably.)
Why are you laughing?
Because, when we walked out of the house, Roy said we should drive the truck and bring back furniture, but I wouldn’t let him.
Andra, you need to stop writing these crazy stories about me on the internet. That Tara Monroe – you remember her, huh?? She told me she reads your stories, and I told her they were lies.
Which ones are lies, Dad?……LIES? WHICH ONES ARE LIES?
Well. There’s that ‘un you told about me and that troll when I was working on the farm with my father. You remember that ‘un, huh???
WHAT PART OF THAT STORY WAS A LIE, DAD?
ALL OF IT!! ALL!! OF!! IT!! YOU DIDN’T TELL IT RIGHT!!!
(Proceeds to tell the story exactly as I did in my blog post ‘Expletive Not Deleted” here, minus the curse words that offended my mother. He also admitted he cursed like that at the age of 6.)
Roy has been in the house for less than six hours, and I am already hoarse from screaming. My face hurts from laughing.
Sparring with my father is one of my favorite things to do in life.