Ever dreaded parental conversations? I don’t mean the ones parents have with children. Birds-and-bees. What death means.
Nope.
I mean conversations parents foist upon their hapless children, filling their brains with things they NEVER, EVER wanted to imagine, hear, or know.
Me: Mom, I’m really upset. A couple of my friends are splitting up.
Mom: Oh, that’s terrible news. What happened?
Me: The usual sad stuff, I guess. Poor communication. Growing apart. No sex in almost five years.
Mom: WHAT? Don’t they know that’s what Saturday morning cartoons are for???
Me: *shut down facetime as fast as possible and scrubbed brain*
Bugs Bunny will NEVER be the same.
Mom: Your daddy came in here the other night and asked me if I missed sex.
Me: STOP TALKING!
Dad: Tell her what you said, Linda.
Me: NO. PLEASE. I DON’T WANT—
Mom: I said, “YES!!!!!!!!!”
Dad: Tell her what I did then.
Me: *pounded iPad on floor until it almost broke*
Their calls have gone to voicemail
for a WEEK. ICK.
Dad: You sure looked good today, Linda.
Mom: *silence*
Dad: I saw how them men were looking at you, with your tight—
Me: WILL YOU STOP? YOU’RE GROSSING ME OUT, DAD!
My Brother: Well, you should be glad you don’t have to live with them.
Me: Why?
My Brother: Because they NEVER wear clothes. If Dad stands in my bedroom door naked one more time and scratches himself while he talks about football—
Me: How did I turn out normal?
Don’t answer, Dear Reader.
Instead, give us a crazy parental
anecdote in today’s comments.
******************
In the next two weeks, the audio version of Not Without My Father will be available! A special author interview! A Q & A with DAD! Almost seven hours of ME reading to YOU!
Click HERE to listen to the first chapter.
23 Comments
I got nothing….and that makes me very sad.
They leave me speechless all the time.
I am left speechless!
See above. 🙂
I feel I’ve missed out. I don’t have anything to share. I must say your parent stories are the best.
They now do stuff on purpose to entertain their fan base. Mom even said, “Don’t put that on Facebook” for one of these stories, but she was laughing the whole time.
I believe it. Call it Watkins Dynasty.
I was feeling a little blue today, but that made me smile. I want to be lke Roy when I grow up.
Am looking forward to the audio version.
You should meet him when you’re in Florence.
I have no words.
Yeah. I’m with you.
My folks were “active” into their 80s. I don’t have a horror story, but my sister does. She came into the house to see naked people running out of the living room. She might still carry the scars.
EEK! And I’ve spent time in that living room………..
My parents were reserved individuals who I never saw doing anything “inappropriate.” I suspect that there were shenanigans going on, but I didn’t know about them. Gotta say, reading what you wrote above, I’m rather glad for this gap in my knowledge about my parents. Because, oh my!
You’re very lucky. Very, very lucky.
help us all. this is so overwhelming, how can you ever forget? my father and step mother once shared why they were ‘banned’ from a benningan’s after a st. pat’s celebration – not good .
And you scrubbed your brain, I’m sure. 🙂
Allusion is good; some stuff is SO much better left to the imagination.
No. NO. I don’t even want to IMAGINE this stuff. When I finally found out what sex was and realized my parents did it to have me, I was traumatized.
Oh my. My oh my.
I have no stories of parental conversations to top that one. You and your brother have my sympathy.
My parents may kill me for sharing….a few years ago, the kids and I went for a visit. My parents were out when we arrived so i got the key from the hiding place. After hours on the road everyone needed the bathroom so we headed to the nearest one, in my parents room. About this same time, my folks arrived. While mom and I are hugging (standing in her bedroom waiting bathroom to be clear) I notice something out of the corner of my eye. I noticed mom was looking at the same thing. Our eyes lock just as I realize what it is, a pump. I am not talking about a bike pump. On of those that can be used to lead to shenanigans. I pretended to not notice, but did not make eye contact with my dad for that whole visit.
Thanks Nickie, I needed this one today. My smile is very genuine. 🙂 Thanks again!
When it comes to stories about my parents…I “got” nothin’. 🙂 Just think what I’ve missed out on, eh? I am delighted and very thrilled the audio version is ready to drop! How exciting. 🙂
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