I haven’t talked much about my eldercare role lately, have I? THAT’S BECAUSE I’M TOO OVERWHELMED BY IT!
When I agreed to be caretaker to my 91-year-old aunt, I was an eldercare idiot. I had NO IDEA I was signing up for the equivalent of parenting a toddler. We’re working through things, but every day brings a new eldercare challenge. Tasks that should take 10 steps seem to take 10,000. No matter how I prepare for the unexpected, I’m blindsided by a scenario I never envisioned.
Whether you’re in line to be a caretaker someday or you know someone who’s already there, here are 5 things I wish I knew about eldercare before I started.
1. No good deed goes unpunished.
I can’t count how many times people have uttered that trite phrase to me in the past year. Caregiving for my aunt is the most thankless thing I’ve ever done. People only care about it when a. they need something from her; b. they need something from me; c. they’re being somehow inconvenienced by having to do something they think I should be doing. I spend part of daily yoga and meditation banishing cynicism from my aura, because it’s hard not to resent everyone.
2. Resentment from the person receiving care.
My aunt resents me. I’ve spent thousands of hours thinking about her this past year. THOUSANDS. I mean, I get her point of view. I do. More times than I can count, I’ve tried to put myself in her position. A loss of independence is hard. But I waltzed into this thinking she’d be grateful, and I was an idiot.
3. I touch the same thing 10,000 times.
Nothing is a simple 5-minute task. NOTHING. I’ve probably sent over 100 emails about selling her house, not to mention time reviewing contracts, signing documents, arguing with notaries who don’t show up at her apartment, and haggling with potential buyers. I have literally lost my religion over a simple payment from her long-term care insurer. That alone required close to fifty phone calls and emails plus personal visits to her facility to straighten out.
4. Family do not help.
Unless they’re personally inconvenienced, the most family may do is call her sometimes. She’s received very sporadic visits (read two) from my parents, one visit from a niece who’s caring for her own failing mother, and an upcoming visit from another niece who just lost her mother. I came into this thinking we’d manage as a family team, but that team consists of MTM and me. A cousin lets me vent enough to keep my butt in this chair. My mother-in-law writes her letters. Former students send her gifts. Thank the Universe for those people!
I headed out of town for my birthday, and I was in line to board the plane while still working on the closing of her house. I told MTM I couldn’t leave anything for anyone else, because I didn’t want to hear the following. Andra isn’t doing her job. I can’t believe I have to be inconvenienced by doing anything in this situation. Why didn’t Andra get this done? She’s so selfish and incompetent, going off for her birthday like this. (See Number 1 above.)
5. Predators are everywhere.
I had NO IDEA how many disgusting people circle the elderly like vultures pecking at the carcasses of their money. When she was in Florida, people rang the doorbell and tried to swindle her out of her house. Every day, she gets solicitations for money, some looking like official documents from Social Security and Medicare. Since she moved to South Carolina, someone in her neighborhood is hooking up their hose to her house and using her water.
Medical types ignore the POA and get her to sign for care she may not need. Her insurance is impossible for a ninety-one-year-old to navigate. Hell, I’m almost half her age, and I struggle with fine print. At every turn, I feel like she’s being sold care she doesn’t need, devices she won’t use, and options she’ll never enjoy.
I could go on and on and on. My point?
8 Comments
Thankless job. The rewards are very quiet and difficult to realize. It will, of course, be in your rear-view mirror eventually, and that will be when you can finally assess what it meant to you.
I know I’m sowing good karma. I’m very grateful she has MTM and me. Much of the time these days, she’s pretty easy personally, for which I’m also grateful. She’s gaining weight. She’s not hocking up mucus from living in a mold-and-mildew ridden house. She’s got trained people onsite to help her. And I made that happen. It takes a lot out of me, but I’m proud of us for stepping up.
Having worked in Adult Protective Services for 15 years I can relive your experience by the thousands. It is horrid what people do to the wilderness. And equally horrid what people expect from others without being part of the solution.
You’re a saint for doing what you do.
Andra, go to my blog page at MaryJMelange and read “Processing 16 Years.”
That post only scratches the surface, but gives you an overall idea of my years as mom and dad’s everything. I have to say, though, that I always had support from my brother, family and friends who appreciated what I did for those two. Mom and dad were appreciative too, but they drove me nuts with the shopping and their oft whining when in assisted living.
I’m sorry this is so trying for you. If I had the naysayers around me in the middle of a paperwork or other struggle, I think I would have punched someone or the wall. I’ll keep you in my prayers and remember that every good deed leads to something much better…after the beatings… ?
Yeah, the criticism is the worst, but I have always been the family whipping post.
i went through this with my mother and it was so traumatizing for so many reasons. i feel you
Most people live this eventually, and most are unprepared.
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