I’m no longer sure what I want this space to be, but today, I’m taking it back to an early place. In this distant past, I used to put things here when I didn’t know how to talk about them. I’m having one of those moments, and I hope a few people are still interested in helping me work through it.
People volunteer for lots of reasons. It can be for fulfillment or recognition. Maybe the person needs something to do or a place to believe they matter. The volunteer’s contribution is never truly selfless, because even anonymous gifts bestow a sense of satisfaction and/or fulfillment on the giver.
For close to two decades, I volunteered with an organization. Many of you know which one because you’ve been around a while, but I’m not going to name it today. I cared about that organization enough to give it thousands of free hours of my time and expertise, hoping someone, somewhere, would value my contribution.
Because my selfish need as a volunteer is to be valued.
I forgot my own advice about the nature of freebies: People don’t value things they get for nothing.
In my book business, I’ve resisted every piece of advice about giving my books away for free. I often wonder why I take that stand, because I spend more money convincing a few people to buy them for the price of a crummy cup of coffee than I make from sales. But I invest in reading groups. I hear how many free books people are wont to download and how few they ever read. I’ve always hoped readers would move my books to the top of a To Be Read list because they paid something for them.
But this isn’t a discussion about books. I gave my professional expertise away for free. For close to five years, I served on a committee that charted the online course of a volunteer organization. Yes, I took money for the setup of certain aspects, but most of it went to others. I met hundreds of people, trained professionals at events and donated thousands of hours to this group.
In the past year or so, a string of events revealed how little anyone valued my contributions. I was angry, though I shouldn’t have been surprised:
People DO NOT VALUE things they get for free.
It’s a concept I preached to every consulting client I ever had, a dictum behind every book I sell.
I left that organization last month, a thing I loved and cherished and bled over for close to two decades, because I didn’t know how to regain my value and therefore the respect of others once I gave everything away.
Want to know how little anyone valued me, how much people don’t appreciate what they get for free? (Learn from this, Dear Reader. Don’t repeat my mistake.)
Of almost five thousand people, one person thanked me for everything I did. ONE. PERSON. Three people told me they’d miss me. Almost two decades. Thousands and thousands of hours of time and bottomless passion. I made an impression on FOUR PEOPLE.
Perhaps this reveals more about me. I must be a real pleasure to know in person. And yes, there are two sides to every story. I’m only weaving my side.
Here’s my struggle: The universe will reward me for my investment. It may not come from this group, but it will come from someplace. Knowledge doesn’t change how much this hurts. It doesn’t remove my need to grieve, but it helps me process pain.
But then I think about it. FOUR PEOPLE of five thousand give a shit about me. It’s like I died, and four people paid their respects, only I’m alive to witness how little I mattered to anyone.
In a skim-and-run online world, this post is both too long and too deep, a relic from my writing’s early days. I appreciate you for sticking with me, even when I’m not consistent. Thank you for cheering me onward with messages that usually arrive when I’m stumbling through a chasm of despair. I’ve been quiet, because more is going on around here than I can share.
Some of it is AMAZING news.
I have several exciting announcements. In upcoming posts, I hope you’ll join me for some
HAPPY STUFF.
***************
Thanks to San Diego-based author Betsy Marro for interviewing me as part of the launch of her new website. Sign up to be first in line for her debut novel Casualties and read her awesome interview with me HERE.
61 Comments
I hit like, but I don’t like this, of course, I’m just here for support. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘met’ anyone that puts themselves out there for people the way that you do, and it makes me sad reading this. It’s dismissive to say things like “people suck” or to get all karmic on you and tell you that it will all make a difference someday. I’d love to believe in the karmic wheel, but I think I’m stuck on a broken merry-go-round sometimes — and I know you get that, too.
Your comparison to a funeral was apt — grim, but apt. It must be terribly disheartening. Like you say.. like being present at your own funeral and only having a couple people show up. Yikes.
Nothing I can say will make it better, but just that you’ve made a difference in my life, and I’ve not known you 20 years.
More than anything, I put this here to work through my own thoughts. It always helps to read comments, but sometimes seeing the situation outlined in black-and-white helps me know what to do with it. That’s really why I started writing again several years ago…….to find solutions in the letters, words and phrases I made.
You make a difference in my life, too. Many people here do. Life is a constant lesson in the science of investing. Ha.
Making sense of things. Yes that is very helpful. I am taking small steps to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again, and sometimes you need to write all that out.
I should probably put these things in a journal, but I’m more honest with myself when I put it here.
Sad. I know how much it meant to you. I have seen it happen in other organizations and had it happen to me. I will never understand it, but I do understand how it hurts.
You know all the glorious backstory, and you bought me lunch for the privilege of listening to me bitch. You are one of my best friends, and I hope you know how much I value you.
Awwwwww…. I feel the same about you too. Plus, as an added bonus, you introduce me to cool new eating spots.
What new spot did you guys try out?
Spero – over there where Hello My Name Is BBQ used to be.
They have a bread flight, Kenneth. I’ve resigned myself to never being skinny again. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m going to a Bastille Day dinner in a few hours, and I’m wearing a loose dress so that I can eat and drink ALL THE THINGS.
Oh man I still haven’t been there! Good to know it’s worth trying!
As for the loose dress be careful riding bikes!
For me, you a “preaching to the choir.” And you are exactly right about the notion that all those hours will come back in some way, maybe as a delightful surprise, maybe something more subtle. It’s a cliche, I know, but the most important thing we do is leave our tracks in other people’s hearts. And trust me on this, Andra, you have left many tracks and enriched many lives.
Everything has already worked out the way it was supposed to. It’s my job to finish processing it and move on. Given some of the circumstances, that’s harder than it should be. Darn it………sometimes I feel like Life is asking me to wear my Big Girl Panties too many days in a row. I need to take them off and throw them in the washer once in a while. 🙂
Maybe take them to the river and wash them by hand. 🙂
Ha. I’d wear them into the ocean for a quick cleanse, but that’s a dicey proposition around here these days. #sharks
What did YOU get out of the five years of hard work, volunteering, etc.? That’s the only thing that matters (even though I say that I know that on some level that is not true to how we feel). What do YOU walk away with? YOU matter, they do not. Yes, I understand where you’re coming from – I’m just saying that it is more important what you got out of it than what they did. YOU are the one that felt it mattered in order to volunteer YOUR time! YOU are important and as soon as you stop receiving whatever fulfillment you were getting – get out. Does that mean I’m a quitter? Probably, but somethings I’ve found are just not worth what I’M getting out of it. We do a lot of things in life in order to hope we matter to others…what we should be working on is what matters to US. Does that sound selfish? Absolutely. Especially to someone who was raised Southern and is so giving. Bottom line is – I’m angry at them. Angry that they hurt my friend. Angry that she now questions her time and considers it a waste (maybe/maybe not). If I were there I’d be telling a room full of people how they’ll never get people to volunteer because of the way they do not acknowledge and thank those that work so tirelessly. I admire you. And, I’d like to take this moment to say, “THANK YOU.” YOU matter to me, and I’m sure that you matter to them too – some people are bitter and don’t want to let others know that they matter. I’m prattling on here – trying to fix something that is unfixable because someone (a lot of someone’s) hurt my friend. The shame is theirs Andra, not yours. You went into it with a loving and giving heart…feel no shame for what you have given but hopefully you can take something more than what was offered. :*-( Now….who is it that I need to go and kick their A**?
What did I get? The opportunity to lead for a while. A platform to try to make a difference for a year. A free trip to Bangkok. Some diehard reader fans who probably wouldn’t have found me any other way.
It isn’t all doom and gloom. Again, I wrote this to work through my own feelings. I know I made the right decision to walk away. We sometimes delay that step, though, because it isn’t easy to see how few people care. We can convince ourselves more do when we don’t know. 🙂
In the end, I’ve cleared my plate to focus on things and people who do matter, and that’s the important thing.
I’m still pissed off though. :-/
Don’t be. You can come to my defense next week when the post I mentioned to Robert above goes live and every troll on the face of the earth calls me a bitch. Or an asshole, since that word’s in the title. 🙂 (I’m choosing to focus on the fact that a huge site paid me actual money for my words, and I’ll keep chanting that while balled up in the corner next week, sucking my thumb and hiding.)
The sting of such a small number of individuals reaching out much be horrible. I wonder why people would be so insensitive? It takes a minute to let someone know they matter. I’m sorry you had to experience this.
As Eileen said above, I’m not sure how many people really know what happened. I’m sure most people are oblivious and assume those in charge took care of things. I wrote a lengthy farewell post on the main website, and one person emailed me to say thanks. They made an announcement at my home club, and one person called me, one person emailed me and one person said they wanted to get together.
I have an endless supply of Big Girl Panties. I hope. 🙂
Plenty of organizations do good things. It’s usually people who ruin them. 🙂
For more than a decade, I’ve worked from home. I’m a social person. I need to interact with real, live human beings every once in a while, or I start to become unhinged. For a long time, this group provided a means to be around people (though, in truth, I never really fit in there. It wasn’t about belonging for me as much as being around people to avoid becoming a complete hermit.)
Making the switch to writing full-time has further isolated me, and I’m going to say this here to prepare everyone for the nuclear piece of satire that’s debuting next week: Social media is not personal interaction. It doesn’t fulfill my need to commune with human beings. So much of the time, it encourages people to do less rather than more, yet still feel like they’re good people who care.
I’m still struggling with how to have personal connection in my life.
And I sometimes think people enjoy watching me ram my head into the base of Mount Everest. It’s like going to the coliseum and seeing men get eaten by lions. Okay, not really. I know it inspires others. But all that inspiring comes with a price. It takes a toll. People want to hear about the inspiration, but they don’t want to pay the toll. 🙂
“People want to hear about the inspiration, but they don’t want to pay the toll. :)”
There is a great horribly un-PC line from a comedian that I’ll have to tell you one day in person that fits that perfectly.
As to the social media thing I concur that many times it is not particularly social, but I am intrigued by the implications of that I must admit. I have for the longest time considered most human interaction to be coming from a place of selfishness. Perhaps the “loneliness” programming in people is there to serve as a way to make people’s selfishness work to bring them together, so that both parties benefit as evolution into beings that can accomplish more together even if they selfishly only care that they succeed. And many “networking” type of events are people selfishly pretending to get to know someone for their own agendas which is like a great little demonstration of that social behavior!
I’ve never worked from home but I think your experience is the very thing that has made all of the co-working places work so well, whether just being setup with a laptop in a coffee shop or actually being a co-working establishment/incubator. Do we still have any of those that might work for you, or at all?
I would much rather watch the lions get bested by you, but then again I always root for the underdog, no matter how many more lions there are. Their stories are always more interesting. 🙂
I can’t wait to hear it.
I guess everyone’s getting ready to see how much I can’t stand social media. Or people. I don’t know which. This site took it in less than two hours with no suggested revisions. That’s pretty much NEVER happened to me. I’ve been quietly submitting pieces to various sites that pay. This will be my first blog post for pay……and people may hate me so much, I’ll never get another one. Ha.
The problem for me is this: It takes time to get into the writing zone, particularly with fiction. I need certain things. Really, I need a cabin in the mountains with nobody around. And I’ve told MTM that AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND………..There, I just told him AGAIN.
But when I come home, I need to be around people. It’s sad that I plan book trips to be around people now. And pretty much everyone in my Charleston life assumes I’m gone and never asks me to do anything. (Or more likely they don’t want to do anything with me in the first place.) Maybe needing to be around people is selfish, but I find people fascinating. I enjoy watching them and asking them nosy questions and whatnot.
It’s tough to realize the only person you can call when you’re scared in the middle of the night is the person who’s sleeping next to you, because they’re the only person who truly cares enough to listen. Everybody has their own stuff to deal with, stuff that for a long time, I happily listened to and cared about. (Clearly, I’m battling more than failed organizational volunteering.)
This will all work out. I will get through it. Change isn’t easy. People avoid it for a reason. It’s an unpredictable ride that impacts every aspect of life. I’m not as patient or forgiving right now. I need more than I give. And I’m not apologizing for that, because goddammit, I’ve spent much of the past decade listening to various one-sided conversations, dispensing advice, caring, trying to help, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I think that’s the hardest thing about this: Seeing how little people are willing to give in return for what you’ve given them. Absolutely, most people are selfish assholes. But if I see everyone that way, I’ll never get out of bed again. I need to believe there are a few people (here, for instance) who are not. I need to believe I can be friends with these people. It’s like writing. I send out queries every day, because somebody may say yes. I won’t know who will say yes unless I ask, meaning I get about a hundred versions of no for every yes. (Think about THAT when I reveal my several good things, because they came with a flipping lot of NO.) We do the same thing with every person we meet. I always try to give people a chance, to not judge people by the cover or the blurb or reviews or whatever, which means I get hurt more than other people. So, I’ve spent today crying and grieving, because I need to do that for myself. Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett, and I will attack it with the same energy and fire and zeal I always do. I just might approach it a different way. 🙂
I’ve never understood that organization to be honest. But then again I don’t understand a lot of organizations, particularly ones like that one. The tricky thing about those sorts of groups to me is that their value only lasts as long as they are valuable. Which is both an odd thing to say and the only way I know how to say it simply. Humans get together for various reasons, but some groups seem to get together to get together. That sort of cyclical logic usually just shuts me down. Probably why I don’t “network.” When I interact with someone(s) it is due to interest, either on my part or my theirs. But I’ve never felt a desire to belong. I feel like the group in question is one in which many people join merely to belong. Unfortunately there are also people like you trying to do more, and at the end of the day there simply might not be enough true substance in the group for you to draw out to do more. Now I would say focus on seizing upon opportunities to help others when you can. Not everything has to be some huge organized effort to help others. One person helping one other person at the right time can be more powerful than any sort of drive or volunteer day.
I would tell you to not stop trying. But I don’t have to. You don’t know how to stop trying. It’s one reason why we all dig you so much.
I don’t know why my reply to you is above, but see above.
I volunteer or serve on boards all of the time. Occasionally someone thanks me but not very often. I do it because I believe in the organization.I guess that I thank myself.
Thank you isn’t always the words THANK YOU. Sometimes, it comes from being given the role you most passionately want to play.
I left the volunteer world for the reasons you mention: no one appreciated my contributions, tried to use me for their own gain, lied to me, et cetera. I understand your hurt, but will say that once I got over the hurt I’ve never been happier.
As for no one appreciating that which they get for free, I dunno. I think that it’s all about your expectations. And about learning how to detach from people. After my volunteer experiences, I have such a low opinion of people that I’m more amazed that anyone ever includes me or says thank you to me at all.
Hey, what do you know? I’m turning into a jovial cynic!
MTM says repeatedly that I need to adjust my expectations of people. Of course, he had a father who taught him to expect nothing. This post and discussion is all part of my ‘getting over the hurt.’ 🙂
I don’t know… that’s life, I suppose, Andra. It’s like doing a fantastic job only for somebody else to take the credit, or sweating blood and tears for years to help to move a company along only to be made redundant at the end of it. Both have happened to me. I look back now and think ‘their loss’. Well, I don’t even look back now it feels that long ago.
Whether they thanked you or not, you would have made a difference to all of those people you came into contact with… and if you meet up with some of them in a few years time, I’m sure some of them will tell you so.
Just know that you’ve done the best that you could do during your time there… and you know how the Universe works, you’ve already said so!
This has probably made you feel worse about things now… I hope not, that’s so not my intention! I hope you sort through things quickly and move onto your next stage without so much of a second thought! 🙂
Your help over the past few years here at WordPress has been invaluable to me at times, Andra… so thanks for that (just thought I’d say!)
I’ve spent today grieving this thing, Tom. Tomorrow, it’s behind me. We grow when we can move through life, process setbacks and be better people for them. It sounds like you’ve done that. I hope I’ll do that, too.
You will.
I agree with you — and your frustration. But I also know that it depends on what circle you stand in. I tried to teach my kids to say thank you for everything. For someone holding open a door. For someone giving them a hamburger. For someone giving them a ride. I tried to teach them these because, in my day, they were called manners. I still try and thank people every day for holding open doors, letting me go first, bumping into me and saying sorry. Not everyone responds — but it does make ME feel good. You’re not selish to want to hear a “thank you” now and then — your parents probably taught you that that was a good thing to hear.
I still mail antiquated things called handwritten thank you notes, Claudia. So yeah, I’m in your camp.
Oh fuck. You have no idea how strongly I identify with this post right now. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It motherfucking sucks.
You can email me about THAT anytime. 🙂 I hope you get the moolah you deserve for the thing.
Re: the exciting high profile blog – snark sells. Re: the ungrateful community you have been slavishly serving faithfully letting go of that resentment is going to take a little time. You clearly need a break, you certainly have new priorities and “turn over” is part of the volunteer world (and time served doesn’t matter in our culture any more regardless of the paid/volunteer nature of the work). Move forward proud of what you’ve accomplished knowing you’ve left the group better off than they were when you started. Your work wasn’t “worth nothing” it was “invaluable” 🙂
Thank you, Lisa. I needed to hear that. (The invaluable part. We’ll see how my satire does next week. Ha.)
I’m sorry I haven’t shown you more how much I appreciate you, Andra. You’ve had a tough year. It’s time we gave back to you. You are deeply appreciated.
Linda, I wish I lived in Chicago, because I would spend weekly hours with you. And Penny. And Chrissy. And Picasso. And Mies. And the Bean. You mean so much to me, and I know you know it, just like I know what I mean to you. I’ve got everything crossed for your current submission. I send energy its way multiple times a day. xo
I would love it! I’m hoping for more travel money so I can visit with you. 🙂
You know you’re welcome any time!! Direct Southwest flight from Midway to Charleston. Free guest suite. 🙂
while you are grieving and processing, know that you made a difference. whether people acknowledge it or not, you know you have. when you feel it is time to move on and let go, do it without looking back.
This has been a day for leaving things and not looking back. I hope I get to meet you and give you a big ole hug someday soon.
I’m sorry you had to part with your organization after putting in so many hours, Andra. It’s their loss, whether they acknowledge it or not. You have done your service to the community and for that, give yourself a big pat on the back.
I am anxiously waiting your good and happy news.
It’s time to get to the good and the happy. Stand by…………..how’s your mom?
Mom is fine for now, still complaining about the food, still having her daily Manhattan 🙂
Andra, I’m really sorry you have to go through this after giving so years of dedicated service but as many of your friends mentioned above other people’s lack of courtesy and appreciation can’t (shouldn’t) diminish your feelings of accomplishment. And you accomplished a lot. On a positive note this morning my sister told me she finished TLF yesterday and really enjoyed it. 🙂 I can’t wait to hear more about your satirical social media post and congrats in advance. p.s. I have plenty of spare big girl panties if you’re in a pinch, no need to risk the #sharks. 🙂
I still have the big girl panties you gave me. 🙂 (Now all the men here are going WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!?)
Please thank her for reading. I’m glad she liked it. Most people do if they can be convinced to give it a try.
I’ll share your thanks with Erica and maybe we can spark a whole new conversation about modern big girl pants. 🙂 No granny panties here!
I can completely see why this would hurt you. It could be the number is higher than four but that there are some people who did not know how to or did not have the courage to express themselves. Whatever the truth of the matter and whatever the numbers, you have certainly touched the lives of more people than you realise. You have inspired me with your writing and your determination and your courage to be so honest. And even though I have not met you in person, I still feel that my life has been enhanced for knowing you in the way that I do. I’m sure there are many who feel as I do. 🙂
This comment made my day, Heather. Maybe even my week. Thank you.
I know how much time, energy and love you gave this organization! I’m sorry that it did not continue to work for you. You will get over this! You need to think about you and all the things you have going on right now. The rest will fall into place.
This happens a lot with such groups. I think I said it somewhere above, but it’s one of the biggest reasons organizations like this are dying. It isn’t just that the younger generations aren’t joiners. I think most people realize they have lots of bullshit in their everyday lives. Groups like this usually add to it. Younger, accomplished people don’t want to hear it isn’t their turn.
Oh, Andra, I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier, but, I’m not sure what more I can say that others haven’t already said. I know how this hurts. Really, I do – and I know the hurt will abate and the good that you’ve done won’t evaporate . It will always be there. I’m just old enough and have been through enough to say that there are more than four. Much more. They just haven’t yet told you, and might not, or might not for a long, long time.
I look forward to your exciting news – and hope you do, too, Andra.
I know everything works together for good. I know it’s more than four. You know what’s been going on behind the scenes around here for months. I’m blessed beyond description, however tough it’s been of late. It’s all preparing me for something bigger, something more.
I have a similar story from my own past, but I won’t share it here. I don’t need to…if you’d caught me when it was fresh you wouldn’t be able to get me to shut up. But NOW I’m watching my husband go through something very similar. He was Union Chairman for 25 years and you want to talk about countless thousands of hours? We sacrificed vacations and travel and he gave up sleep while saving others their jobs and putting his own neck on the line. He FINALLY gave up that role, and I am not aware of anyone thanking him. Maybe two or three gave a brief nod…what is it in human nature that can so easily overlook the sacrifices of others? I don’t get it, but I’ll tell you that it pains me very much to learn that this has happened to you because I know what it feels like. On the other hand, I guess I’ve learned that we need to stay committed to doing good anyway. And knowing what this is like, I think we ought to be strongly motivated to be quick with recognizing others for their sacrifices. Job well done, Andra. ox
Good people finds ways to do good. It’s part of our genetic code. 🙂
I’m sorry to read that both you and Jay have experienced this, but it’s also part of the genetic makeup of good people. We put ourselves out there, even though we know we’re likely to be hurt. I love you both to pieces. xo
You know just how to put a smile on my face! I am really looking forward to giving you a big hug in person! oxo
Such a shame you had to experience this. I wonder if now in your absence, they’re realizing what an asset you were. Sometimes people don’t recognize things (or people) until they’re gone.
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