Ripped Guy at Dick’s: Welcome to Dick’s Sporting Goods! Can I help you find something specific?
RGAD: I’m sorry? What was that?
RGAD: (Nervous laugh) Sorry. Still didn’t get that.
Me: I’M LOOKING FOR A JOCK STRAP!
(Every eye in the store zeroes in on me.)
Me: I mean. I’M not looking for one. I don’t need it. Um. (Cackling, crazy laughter.) It’s for my husband. HUSBAND. HE needs it.
RGAD: Core Supporters are this way, Ma’am.
Me: (More crazy lady laughter.) Oh? THAT’S what they’re called?
RGAD: Yes Ma’am. Here we are.
Me: (Staggering.) But…….but……..Good God, there are THIS MANY different ones?
RGAD: Well, yes. Some guys like firmer support. Some go for breathability. You know.
Me: No. I DON’T know. I told you it isn’t for me.
RGAD: Did your, um, HUSBAND, tell you what he likes?
Me: That’s none of your business.
RGAD: Okay. Okay. I’m just going to leave you to it. If you need any help, I’ll be on my lunch break. (Disappears.)
Me: Who – WHO – would buy a hot pink cup with glitter? WHO? And, all I see is cups. Thin cups. Fat cups. Long cups. Deep cups. All CUPS. NO STRAPS………….A PEE-WEE MODEL???? Seriously? They have one called the Pee-Wee? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
RGAD: (Materializes next to me.) Ma’am, um, you are being a little disruptive. Um. Here’s a strap in size large. Will that work for your husband?
RGAD: Great! Let me walk you to the register and get you out of here.
Me: (Drying my eyes.) You can bet I’ll never call MTM again and ask him to pick up a box of TAMPONS on his way home.