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Like Selling Suspenders to a Belt Salesman

Dad, Alice, me

“Roy, why are you wearing those pants? Those are the worst pair of pants you own. Why don’t you—”

“Mom, just stop. He’s probably using them as his trial pair. WHEN HE MESSES THESE, HE CAN CHANGE TO SOMETHING MORE PRESENTABLE.”

“Huh?” Dad attempts to hoist grease-and-varnish-stained-homeless-man pants to waist. Pants refuse to expand around quintuplet-sized belly.

“Sigh……….Roy, WHY won’t you wear your suspenders? Your daughter doesn’t want to see—”

Dad’s pants fall to knees, leaving me traumatized grateful Mom rids drawers of holey underwear. Immediately wash brain of offending images.

“Mom, really. I don’t care what Dad shows me. I JUST WISH HE WOULD WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!”

The ground under house rumbles from force of my super sonic screech. Croaking, I continue.

“Mom, I’ve got to be in Camden Thursday for a lunch presentation. Why don’t you come over and meet me?”

“Now, Andra. You know your daddy will want to come, too.”

Dad again ‘accidentally’ drops pants.

“No. NO. Even though he can’t hear anything, he’ll somehow find out I’m giving a presentation, and he’ll worm his way in there, and before we all know it, The Roy Show will take over Camden Rotary Club.” I glimpse Dad’s hairy butt crack. “Imagine the carnage, Mom.”

“But, you know. They’d probably buy your whole stock of books just to get rid of him.”

Hmmmmmmmmm.

What do YOU think, Dear Reader? When I show up at Camden Rotary Club today, should I bring Roy along? Will Dad be able to remain a member of the audience? What’s your prediction for a Roy Show moment? Please leave your answers in a comment, and we’ll see who knows Roy best tomorrow.

 

56 Comments Post a comment
  1. An interesting transatlantic point of semantics…in England “suspenders” means “garter belt” which would more than frightening on Roy….”pants” means “knickers” that takes us into a place in which none of us wants to be. Good luck Camden….here comes TV Roy:)

    May 22, 2014
  2. i say take roy along and think of him as your good luck minor league baseball mascot. the crowd will love him and it will help your game )

    May 22, 2014
    • We’ll see what he wants to do. I’m meeting my parents at 11:30 at a coffee shop. He may wear himself out talking to strangers there……….

      May 22, 2014
  3. I’m just anxious to hear the story if he does go

    May 22, 2014
  4. Take him. There will come a day that he will not be able to join you. Consider him part of the road show and savor the moments, remembering that “Life is short and dead is for a very long time”. Trust me on this one.

    May 22, 2014
    • You know that better than most.

      I’d love to bring the show to Aiken. If you’re part of a group who might enjoy it, please shoot me an email and let me know who to contact.

      May 22, 2014
    • I have to agree, take Roy with you and whatever happens, remember it. :)

      May 22, 2014
  5. My vote is for a Roy show…as long as he keeps his pants up. (Thank you once again for an image of brain bleaching proportions.)

    May 22, 2014
    • You’re welcome. When moving, one always needs to be on edge…….

      May 22, 2014
  6. Ditto what Pamela Beckford said. There’s a great story just waiting to happen– always, it seems, when it involves Roy.

    May 22, 2014
  7. Heck yes take him!!!! I would be thrilled to meet him!!!! And I predict he will have a song or two to sing. At least I am really really hoping he does!!!

    May 22, 2014
    • NONONO. NO SINGING! Roy CANNOT sing.

      May 22, 2014
      • Now Andra….technically he ‘can’ sing. He just cannot do it well. And I say that because I would REALLY like to hear him sing now. :)

        May 23, 2014
  8. Of course he won’t. You father is a firm believer in “all the world’s a stage”, and we are merely his audience. Thing is though, the Roy Show is entertaining. Even to you. And it is profitable because that man can sell his story and sell books. I say take him along. Besides, it is Camden. They will love him there.

    May 22, 2014
    • They love him everywhere. The Rotarians up there have already gotten wind of his possible appearance, and they’re already making plates and preparing to pay for his lunch.

      May 22, 2014
  9. Yes, bring Roy along and give him a specific job, like welcoming people at the door…there will come a day when he can’t join you…and you’ll really miss his comedy of errors and faux pas.

    May 22, 2014
  10. Of course, take him along . . . Just be sure he’s wearing his suspenders! :)

    May 22, 2014
  11. Definitely take him along — he’s a great salesman. If he’s bored, he’ll fall asleep before the Roy Show starts up. Otherwise …. well, they like you at Rotary, right?

    May 22, 2014
  12. Like any type of performance, one must learn to enjoy embarrassment.

    May 22, 2014
  13. Yes Roy. He is a delight. (of course I am an old fart so I would say that no matter.)

    May 22, 2014
    • You two would probably get along like crazy, John.

      May 22, 2014
      • The hairy crack thing would bother me. I still keep my pants on in public.

        May 22, 2014
  14. Oh, I say take him! The hilarity that’s bound to ensue would so be worth it! :-) Good luck!

    May 22, 2014
    • He went. Anything else will have to wait until tomorrow………

      May 22, 2014
  15. Roy should have his own reality show. Seriously.
    I say bring him, because he’s awesome at sales! And he’s beloved!

    May 22, 2014
    • I don’t know how beloved he was by the end. I guess we’ll see tomorrow.

      May 22, 2014
  16. As pointed out above Andra, in Blighty it translates to your Dad wearing garters to keep his knickers on. Now, I know he is a legend but a cross dresser to? I say he should go and steal the show – you will be mortified but we will be hugely entertained when you recount the tale.

    May 22, 2014
  17. I don’t know, but I’d love to see video of that!!

    May 22, 2014
  18. My father used to wear one pair of pants. He had drawers filled with them but he insisted on using them till they were rags.. Growing up poor is tough.. He died anything but poor..

    May 22, 2014
    • Still, he knew he only needed to wear one pair. :) I know I have way more than I need. I wish I could realize that every time I buy something else.

      May 22, 2014
  19. Yes. Yes. A million times yes to all things Roy.
    Bring on the stories tomorrow! :-)

    May 22, 2014
  20. Bringing Roy along will be nothing short of entertaining, and who doesn’t like a good show? I say bring him :)

    May 22, 2014
  21. For as much as he frustrates you, he may appreciate the invitation more than words. Of course there will be hilarity and hi-jinks, and you being exasperated at him at the time but you may appreciate it later looking back on it.

    May 22, 2014
    • You don’t know what happened, Nate. Maybe I’ll be glad someday………

      May 22, 2014
  22. Jill Clary Stevenson #

    I wish I had read this earlier in the day and I’m hoping the Roy Show went off without a hitch. Can’t wait to read about it!

    May 22, 2014
    • All Roy Shows have hitches, Jill. They’re ABOUT hitches.

      May 22, 2014
  23. I loved meeting your dad at the book signing in Charleston Andra. I did not get to talk to him a lot but what little we did chat I enjoyed it immensely. I would love to sit down with him and just listen to his stories for an hour. :)

    May 22, 2014
  24. But of course – take Roy and his suspenders along. If nothing else, you can raffle off the suspenders for a good cause.

    May 23, 2014
  25. I’m reading this late, but I assume you took the hot mess with you and sold lots of books!

    May 24, 2014
  26. Well, how did I miss this? LOL! I hope it all worked out to your advantage and not embarrassment, Andra. I’m supposing that Roy went along. How could you leave him behind. :-)

    May 26, 2014

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