We spend every Fourth of July in Denmark.

South Carolina.

Denmark, South Carolina.

Yes, there really is such a place. It’s between Finland and Norway, close to North. (If Bill Cosby couldn’t understand it, you won’t either, Dear Readers.)

We eat until we can’t walk and float with alligators and witness conversations like this………

Alice’s Father: I am sick of being President of the Board of the Country Club.

Me: Why?

AF: Too much damn politics.

Alice: Well, I want to know how that oak tree closest to the river got cut down.

AF: That’s what I’m talking about. Damn politics.

Alice: But you’re supposed to keep people from cutting down majestic trees, right?

AF: Exactly. And when that boy that owned the lot came with his stupid petition, saying damn acorns falling on the roof kept him up all night, we denied it.

Alice: So how—

AF: Wait. There’s more. So we denied it, and he started throwing things around the rec room. Chairs and stuff. Stormed outta the place, and we thought that was the end of it.

Alice: Only it wasn’t.

AF: Right. It wasn’t. He cut that tree down anyway, in the middle of the night. Place was all in a tizzy, everybody fussing about it, but guess who had to go over there and confront the jackass?

Me: Oh, I don’t—

AF: Me. That’s who. The President of the Board of Directors of the Country Club. By myself. So I walked over there. Knocked on the door, and when he opened it, I slapped him with a fine for cutting down a majestic tree without permission. And you know what he did? He went in the house and got his damn gun and challenged me to a duel. Right then and there, he wanted to settle the matter like gentlemen.

Me: By shooting each other?

AF: I can’t say I wasn’t tempted………

If you celebrate Independence Day, I hope your Fourth is filled with sparklers and sports and more food than you can eat. Enjoy your holiday!