I’ll ask this question a lot in coming weeks:
What would you do to Make a Memory?
Or maybe I need to ask it a different way. You tell me, Dear Reader.
With the pending arrival of the thing-I’ve-been-working-on-non-stop, I’ve been thinking a lot about making memories. About turning I wish I had into I’m glad I did.
This blog is getting ready to change. As part of encouraging people to Make a Memory, I want to highlight written submissions from people who took time to make memories with loved ones. I hope to incite people to post videos asking loved ones to make specific memories before it’s too late. And I’ll take a picture with a caption to share.
I want to start a Make a Memory movement.
But I’m not sure how to frame the question to compel someone to participate. My brain is an eternal flame of ideas, but I’m not good at encapsulating those ideas into compelling, actionable things. I’ve written a memoir-as-example, but I want it to seed the movement. If it ends with me, I’ll be devastated.
If I wanted you to tell me about a time YOU made a memory with a loved one, would you? Is that the right way to ask? What would be the most effective way to get YOU to tell me your story?
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Why did you start a blog?
I don’t mean to be dramatic or morbid but, for me, the best way would be for you to ask at the moment of a massive life event change, illness, family rupture, etc. or get me inebriated.
This is impractical…
For many I think it is simply being asked in a way that indicates it is important, as if it matters that I give a response, that someone will actually, read or watch, and care not laugh.
Given the amount of selfies out there, for others it will be as easy as saying please…
Why did I start a blog? I know I’ve answered that one somewhere, but given that I’m in the process of sorting my blog content to migrate to .org, I’ll never find it. I’m sure I’ve already marked it private.
So I’ll answer here.
I started my blog because I was bored. I remember writing that as a first sentence in my post, but I wasn’t entirely open about the particulars. I was bored because it was 2009. I made more money than I’d ever made in my career in 2008, but I turned 40 in 2009, the same year the economy tanked. I went from making six figures to $10,000 in twelve months. (Your story isn’t the same as mine, but I know you understand the whammy of that situation.) There I was. Forty. Basically unemployed. No client prospects and no job prospects and chasms of time to dwell on my unfortunate situation. I started blogging to try to occupy my brain with something else. I never wanted to be a writer. I’m one of those people who always talked about writing a book, but I never really meant to. Guess that goes to show everyone how much time I’ve really had on my hands in recent years. I keep writing to fill a void because I don’t know what else to do. Maybe in the process, I’ve discovered what I was supposed to be doing.
I’ll address this below, because others have given me openings, but I don’t want this to be a morbid question. Because I can’t build the backstory of every reader into any short sentence, I can’t predict how a question will hit every person. That’s what market research is for. (And I’m sort of doing it here, with the people who matter most to me. Making them first, because if I can’t get it right for my core group of friends, I’ll never get it right for anyone else.)
Actually the reason I asked why did you start a blog was not so much to hear your reason, although it makes good reading, but as a trigger question. I think so many of us start a blog in response to something. Some trigger. A happy trigger or a sad one or an important or exciting one but that makes a memory.
I didn’t start QH until six months after the trigger day but I know exactly what was going on that lead to the blog starting.
Somewhat humorously, I have two memories of that day. I still recall what really happened but I also have my newer embellished and worked on memory that I expect will one day totally supplant the real memory.
Would that be a memory I would share or would there be something else? This I can’t say.
You made a memory this summer, Robert. You tell your stories in pictures, because you’re a photographer. But you’re also a private person, so I’m not going to tell everyone what that memory was or why it fits this platform.
But you went out west. You had a specific reason for doing it, though I’m sure you didn’t parse it that way to anyone, and you know what that reason was. That’s the story I’d have you share if you were willing, because it would be so, so relatable.
Your A and L project is another one of these instances. You’re a photographer, and again, you take pictures. But you use your camera to reach out for things you can’t say or express. Doing that project gave you a way to spend dwindling time with someone in your life, much like going through and culling those photographs gives you time with that person now that you can’t see them every day.
Yes, I pay this much attention to my core readers. I value every one of you. And I guess that proves you can tell these stories with pictures, given the right brief caption.
Andra, do you want others to post memories on their own blog pages or here? Do you want to make this a movement challenge with a prize or simply find a way to elicit those stories from your readers? It’s not even 6 am as I write, so my head can’t offer awesome suggestions (I haven’t had coffee yet). Perhaps start here, with a post that we can share on Facebook, perhaps reblog, to draw others to your movement?
In the beginning, I’m going to reach out to individuals privately and ask for submissions. If they have their own site, I will ask them to post it there, but I will also post it here. If they don’t, I will ask them to share the post I create here and encourage people to read it.
I had a grand idea for a prize with this effort. I called it Name Your Adventure. Entrants would invite someone to have an adventure with them by videos they posted and shared online. I simply cannot fund that kind of prize myself, and I’m opposed to doing Kickstarter and similar for that purpose. (I’m not judging anyone else who’s done it. I’m only saying the best way a person can fund my writing is to purchase it, to convince others to purchase it and to purchase it for others with a strong endorsement rather than loaning it out. Not to digress, but I don’t even know how to say that without sounding like I’m whining. I’m grateful to anyone who mentions/shares/praises my writing, but if I’m going to make any sort of living and take the massive money funnel off both my savings and retirement accounts, people have to buy it. I’m not going to solve that one today, and I’m not asking anyone else to come here and try to. I know how other people try to make that math add up. Believe me, I’ve analyzed and run numbers and read and researched myself into a stupor.) Without getting into too much of the backstory of The Present State of Andra’s Writing Effort (or maybe I did that above – ha), if one has big dreams, this isn’t a cheap path. And because I’ve made some new business errors in judgment (which are common to all – I’m not beating myself up), I don’t have unlimited funds to pay for the prize I hoped to give. So, long answer to your question. No. No prize, other than the reward of having an experience the participant otherwise might not have had, which is worth more than a prize anyway.
Besides, if I really want a prize to motivate people, I’ve got to advertise the PRIZE itself far and wide in a compelling way that gets lots of people beyond the bounds of this site interested. I can certainly talk about it here, but if the people here want to win it, why would they share it? The only way that works is if sharing the contest is the ONLY way to enter. Once one starts adding up the various costs of all these initiatives (because you’re pretty much not seeing anything online right now that someone hasn’t paid for you to see – unless you’re subscribed to it directly), one is staggered by the mountain of money needed for a true marketing budget. I have to choose between marketing my writing and marketing a contest right now, and I choose marketing my writing…….which may damn me in the end. 🙂
Wow, Andra. You know, I thought about writing some sort of book at one point. And then I realized through your written tribulations and my very poor budget, that it probably wouldn’t happen any time soon. (I may write a book, though, for my own self-satisfaction.) Anyhow, I totally understand what you are saying about people buying your books and not being able to fund a prize because you want to fund your writing. I think that’s a smart move. I would take part in sharing memories wholeheartedly as I simply love to write and it’s always fun to meet someone else’s challenge. So, bring it on. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions for you on how to get it out there or how to get others involved other than your readers reblogging and sharing on Facebook, Twitter, etc.
The best way to get others involved is to frame the question properly. If I fail there, the whole effort will be hamstrung but its poor start.
And please. I don’t have any tribulations. I’m one of the most blessed people I know. I approached this like I do pretty much everything in life: I think I’ll go jump off this cliff and see what happens. I’ve had so many amazing experiences because I’m not afraid to jump. That’s not to say I haven’t taken some hits on the way down, but I wouldn’t keep doing it if I went ‘splat’ more often than I flew.
My debut book effort has, overall, gone very, very well. I’ve sold more books than most books ever do. I’ve built a bigger audience for future books. I’ve met some outstanding people, and I’ve had some incredible experiences. Most of the time, I focus on those things.
I wrote this post yesterday, though, when a bookstore person basically explained the concept of ‘consignment’ to me, only he did it like I’m four. I realize they meet a ton of crazy writers, but I’m a CPA, for crying out loud. I think I understand the concept of consignment better than he does. AND I had another person affiliated with an event I’m trying to promote tell me they don’t want me to have any other appearances around their event, EVEN THOUGH THE OTHER APPEARANCES ARE TO PROMOTE MY EVENT WITH THEM. I think I set that person straight, but it’s just like, DAMN, I’m here trying to market circles around everyone else you invite into your place, and you’re now going to tell me I can’t do that, while you’re also going to tell me it’s my job to get people there? Which one do you want? Because I’m not Houdini.
So, I’m in a place of still processing the fact that it’s totally okay for most people in the literary world to treat unknown writers like torture victims, to basically water board them with every interaction, because at some point they went through that initiation, and I can’t say anything. Not anything. I just have to smile and say, “Thank you SO MUCH for deigning to have anything to do with me.”
To end this overlong comment on a positive note, though, I’m booking a library appearance outside New Orleans today, and I got more yes than no yesterday. (I generally get more yes than no. Because nobody’s going to get anywhere writing if they’re not willing to hear no. And I mean no disrespect to “No means no” by typing this, but no doesn’t always mean no in my context. To me, no is just a word I can sometimes turn into yes.)
I admire your ability to “jump” Andra and turn the no’s into yes’s. You are right about being blessed, I would love to be in your shoes. I just see your frustration and forget about the amazing journey you’ve been on. I hope it continues so that I can support you by buying your books for years to come. Keep going and remember your favorite Journey song! 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot about making memories. About turning I wish I had into I’m glad I did. What are you glad you did?
I’m glad I took five weeks out of my life and spent them with my parents. We all forced ourselves out of our usual contexts, and it revolutionized our relationships while we (hopefully) still have time to enjoy that change. People at my age don’t typically do that unless they’re forced to.
I like your question as it is. It makes sense to me. I think that for this idea to be successful you’ll need to be willing to accept memories created in the good times as well as memories created as someone you love is dying. Answers to your question, depending on the event that triggered the memory creation, will vary dramatically. Or so I would think.
Then I’m not framing the question properly, because I WANT people to create happy memories in all contexts of life, not just when someone is dying. I don’t want people to default to MORBID when confronted with that question……..though some people will. I want the question to tease out the right answer for the reader, be it happy or earnest or morbid or joyful. Heck, I’d love it if some people proposed marriage and stuff like that through this effort.
I see what you’re trying to achieve. Good concept. It’ll evolve into the proper question some way or the other. As they say, “energy flows where attention goes.”
Here’s your lead/opening sentence for the question: “There will come a moment, an hour, a day when all this–life– will slip away. In that moment, something will rise in your heart pulling you towards the memory of life. What will it be–that critical end of time recollection?”
(See some of my answers above.) It might be the right opening for some, but I don’t want this to be just about end of life. My stuff relates to that, because I know I have a finite amount of time left with my parents, but everyone isn’t in the same place I am. I want the question to kindle the right answer for the person reading, regardless of phase of life. If I frame it as an end of life thing, I’m going to alienate a host of people who don’t want to think about that issue, who are young enough to think they’re going to live forever, etc.
Maybe a smarter way to approach this would be to have a certain someone (since I haven’t announced that yet, I’ll refrain from typing a name, but you know who I’m talking about) craft varying versions of the question as a pitch to groups based on group demographics. I’d then have lots of different answers from all phases of life, and those might best show people what we’re looking for………..the marketing side of my brain is decrepit right now………I feel like someone’s squeezing it like a sponge. You know me. I’m a strategist, and I love strategy. But I know I’m going to have to implement many of the details, too, and that paralyzes me. I’m big picture. I’m not details. Details make my head explode.
I hope your mom is well enough to dance right now. 🙂 I’ve been imagining her dancing.
Thank you. Since I’ve been spending more time with end of life folks, that’s where my head is. Mom is getting closer to dancing, that is if she ever danced. Your points are well taken, btw.
I can’t speak for anyone else, darling (though I frequently do) but it’s been my experience that people love talking about themselves. I suspect that as long as you show sincere interest (and that shouldn’t be hard for you — you are the most sincere writer I know) you shouldn’t have trouble getting people to open up. Let me know the where and when, and perhaps even I shall a tale unfold…
Ha. Your parenthetical made me laugh out loud.
And thank you. I am sincerely interested, and I’m glad I show that rather than saying it without teeth.
I too operate from the standpoint that people love to talk about themselves, so why should this be hard?
But I’ve been doing trials of this question to random people in person, and while I always end up in an enlightening conversation, I don’t have the right way to frame the question as a cold call. And that’s essentially what I need – the cold call version, the broadest possible statement that will elicit a response or attract attention and get people thinking.
You are the Queen of making memories. But everyone needs to understand that some of the littlest things can be the best memories. Spending so much time with my dad when I lived with him this summer was the best memory making ever. But I couldn’t tell you anything that was special. Just being together. Same for other times in my life. The little things are the big things 🙂
Exactly!! You’re exactly right, Pamela. Your mission, should you choose to accept it? Write a post, in 250 words or less, that expands on your comment. If you’re willing to do that, I’ll definitely run it here, because I think it would be an excellent example for others. Would you be willing to do that?
Sure. Do you want me to post it and ping you?
That would be great.
I have it scheduled to post on my poetry blog tomorrow am
Changes? I’m going through some too, writing wise.
I’m an open book with people I like, I would just tell you, and the internet, like I did here; about my blended family
http://www.imdancingintherain.com/2014/09/view-on-remarriage-and-step-parenting-success.html#comment-1621707985
I loved this post, Lance. You decided to make a memory by taking another chance on love. It altered the course of your life.
The question becomes one of submission guidelines. Post here? Send email? Something entirely new? I’m confident that “if you ask, they will submit.” National Public Radio had a similar program awhile back where family members interviewed each other, usually a young person getting an elder to open up about a memory. Sometimes, it centered on a historic event and sometimes it was a personal revelation. It was, most often, compelling.
To get this rolling, I’m going to have to post examples here. So, I will be approaching people in the coming weeks to submit something by email. I can vet those and schedule them.
But I also want people to invite someone to make a memory by videos they post and share online. I’m going to do an example for everyone soon.
Glad to hear that about NPR. We’re pitching an ARC for their consideration, and mentioning this initiative in that pitch would be a great tie in.
I love the idea, Andra, and I will definitely give it more thought, and consider how you might frame your new direction. I frequently, if not almost daily, spend a little time reflecting on my warmest memories, which are hundreds of tender moments with loved ones and I see the strong impact those memories have had on me, guiding me to invest really heaviliy in my children and grandchildren. I think “making memories” is my guiding thought these days. If I were to share, the “memory making” today it would be a series of small daily steps. Not big events and nothing noteworthy, I’m sure. But the little things. Those matter to me. ox
Little things matter. In the wake of my Natchez Trace experience, I approach life more your way, Debra. In spite of how crazy life is right now, I try to make a small memory every day. Yesterday, I did that by texting with my twelve-year-old cousin in Louisiana. Her mom (also my cousin) just had a baby, and I know from my own experience with having a younger sibling that it’s a hard adjustment. So, we texted about eating pizza together, and I asked her how she was doing. I acknowledged how hard it is to be a big sister, and I hope that made it a little more okay for her. Her mom messaged me this morning to thank me, because our five minutes of texting apparently meant a lot to her.
A little thing. But it qualifies.
Like several others here, my question back to you is around the mechanics? Format, submission guidelines, structure, etc.
I agree with so many here, that generally people love to talk about themselves, so getting the shared stories is probably not going to be an issue. I suspect the definition of what constitutes a memory could be a potential stumbling block. i.e. If an interested participant sees that other examples are: I walked 444 miles in 34 days, I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro or I swam with sharks, they might feel their smaller scale memory might not ‘qualify’. So perhaps give some thought to how you frame up the question to ensure its inclusive of memories big and small.
That’s been an issue when I’ve questioned people in person. They always want to pick this fantabulous, impressive thing to demonstrate how with it they are. And I say if that’s their true answer, no problem. It is what it is.
But when I kept asking the question differently to one person, I finally got his real answer. After coming up with lofty, impressive trips for almost an hour, he smiled and said, “If I could have anything, though, I’d want my grandfather back. I’d take him to a baseball game, and we’d hang out all day.” (His “I wish I had.”) I challenged him to go back to his hotel room and come up with an answer just like that, something he really could make happen. (This poor man. He was such a good sport.)
The next day, MTM saw him and another work colleague, and the first thing the one who wasn’t there said was, “I’m sorry I didn’t go out with you last night, because I apparently missed an incredible conversation. So-and-so came back and talked and talked about this last night, and it got me thinking, too.”
Submission guidelines won’t be a problem, once I can nail the compelling thing that convinces people to submit.
I’m not sure you need to have something super compelling, to be honest. I think most people will just share because they like talking about themselves. 🙂
I agree. But I want to frame the question to get better answers than I might get if I just casually ask, while still looking like I’m casually asking. 🙂 This is why marketing people make the big bucks.
i love to make memories and i think asking directly works the best –
You’re on my list of people to ask, Beth. As I’ve thought through this, I wondered how you’d respond. You are the Empress of making memories every day, and you demonstrate that in what you post and how you interact with your family.
thanks, andra, i really do try to live this –
Tell me about the time you made a memory with someone else.
The first time I took Cayleigh to get her Hallowe’en pumpkin, she was thirteen months old. (This is on my mind, because I’m taking her today. She’s twelve.)
Her mom dropped her at our house and prepped her for me to open the door. Only MTM did, which scared the crap out of her. She cried and cried and cried. Forty-five minutes later, she was in the back seat, screaming for her doo-daddy. And I thought, “Why on earth did I want to take a baby to get a pumpkin?”
We eventually found a suitable pumpkin patch, and she spent almost an hour to end up with a pumpkin that was bigger than she was. I still remember the pride of accomplishment on her baby face as I had to ask somebody there to help me get it to the car.
I think about that every time we make plans to do this again. I’m cowering in fear that getting a pumpkin with me is going to become un-cool very soon, so making this memory every year matters even more to me.
Beautiful story. Thanks
I’m assuming you were asking me to answer your question, John, not telling me how to frame the question.
This is my suggestion on how to frame the question to others. It has an open-ended quality that may give some folks comfort in answering. There may be a bunch of interesting stories about memories but not with loved ones.
When I look back on how I asked it versus how you asked it, your question is an improvement.
Okay. 🙂
Yes, I would tell you about my memories if you asked (which in a roundabout way – you did), All you had to do was ask… There are a lot of my memories that you’ve keyed into since I first “met” you. I must say that I did make a memory with my sister. Together we traveled 84 miles – in two trips – on a mountain biking trail together. We mountain biked through the bitter cold where we swore our feet were frozen, and our fingers were definitely numb, along with our bikes having issues since it was 30 degrees…There was the owl that landed on the edge of a tree limb as we were taking a break, and said owl quickly walked itself into the tree, there were times when our “whohahs” were so broken we had to get off and walk and we’d laugh and laugh about our childhood and soak in the gorgeous scenery, the deer, the cranes and the hawk that kept us company as it would stop ahead of us and then as we got close, it would go further…as if to say…come on…just a little bit further. We named said Hawk Howard Pickett since he was my mountain bike mentor and had talked about us biking this trail but passed away before we had time…we went 40 miles before my tire blew. There were a lot more memories….then this fall we decided to finish the trail and and we made even more memories…like counting the bear scat that was on the trail (84 piles at last count…we gave up counting as there were many, many more piles), the bear in the brush (actually there were two bit different places), the beautiful cow elk that beat hoof as soon as it caught wind of us. I feel when I’m exhausted…and I’ve worked hard…those are great memories…cause I worked hard for them. 🙂
No memory is wrong, Lori. It’s what speaks to the re-memberer. I love these memories, and I loved following some of the making of them with you.
I guess I’m a simpleton, I thought in posing your question, you were asking (after reading some other comments – I think I had it wrong). Ha – with me, all you have to do is ask….
You are NOT a simpleton. I don’t ever want anyone who responds to anything here to feel that way. My question spoke to you, just as it was framed. And I love people most who get me, so you’re one of my favorite people. 🙂
I love everything about this idea! I look at memories as precious box stored in the vault of the back of my mind. They visit me when I need to remember special times with ones who have passed as well as the joy brought from so many others who are still with me in the present.
I hope you’ll be thinking about something to submit, Darcie, because any of these examples could work for the rollout.
I would love to submit! Just let me know when and I will be ready 🙂
A timely question, Andra as I’ve spent the past few years talking about this with my family. I’m in that in-between stage of life when my parent’s generation and their rich history is aging and passing, my siblings and I are starting to forget things that happened when we were kids and our own kids are now old enough to really form lifelong memories. Almost every day I point out little things to Ryan hoping to spark a memory that he can keep into adulthood and I’ll admit one of the reasons I started my 1 Day 1 World Project was to create something with him that we could share and shape together. I’m really looking forward to following this conversation and your Make a Memory movement. 🙂
I hope you’ll submit something, Lisa, because you’re in the PERFECT place to do it. This is exactly what I’m trying to tease out: We know we’re in these places, but what are we DOING to preserve them?? I’m convinced lots of people believe this is important, but they’re flummoxed as to how to make it happen. Part of what I’d like to create is a tool kit of examples to inspire people to realize it isn’t so hard.
Your question, what would you do to make a memory, took me a bit off guard at first, Andra. I won’t sure about deliberately acting upon memory making. Then, I thought about it for a bit, read others’ comments and your responses, and I think it became a little clearer to me. I DO go about making memories, in part through writing my blog, which is often a chronicle of tiny moments I hold dear and hope that my family and my friends might also hold close. Does that make sense? I want my husband, children, grandchildren, friends, whomever to walk away and carry the moment(s) with them. Photos and cards. We both wrote letters to our girls upon their graduation from high school – that sort of “thing”. :I)
I know my question needs work, Penny, and I appreciate everyone who took time to come here today to answer me, to challenge me, to question me, and to make me see my question differently. Some readers do this every day. Others never think about it. A few avoid it. I hope we can work together to come up with something everyone will want to do. Your examples are perfect, because you try to do this every day. Nothing fancy or impressive. Just living life and making it special. Because it IS special.
I’m still pondering, but the topic reminds me of a Ted talk I saw a number of months ago. http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory/transcript?language=en
It’s hard to reconcile some of these TED talks. I’m still trying to script and film a satirical take on power posing, though I’m sure somebody, somewhere, has already done it.
Having said that, I hope I’m encouraging creating moments to experience. In the moment. Things we’ll be glad we did afterward. Because there’s a whole component of remembering that really isn’t addressed in this TED talk.
And that’s regret.
Yeah, some of the TED talks I’ve seen (and I haven’t watched many) definitely tend towards formula and can be pretty glib.
I mentioned this one, though, because it almost gets to the difficulty I have grasping the specifics of this concept.
I’m not trying to be obtuse. I’m genuinely not quite sure I understand. I think I do, mostly, and it sounds like a good, positive thing, but I’m kind of hung up on the language. The question “what would you do to make a memory?” throws me for some reason and I draw a blank.
You did this several years ago, Steve. With your dad and two motorcycles. I don’t know whether there was a trigger (Robert’s word above). I don’t remember your sharing a specific life event that caused you to make that trip. Which makes your story even more awesome, really, because you seized the moment and did it. If I could have any story from you, it would be that story.
Thanks for the feedback about the question, too. This conversation with everyone has been so, so helpful.
On Tuesday night I started a “creative non-fiction writing class” at a local college. One of the things he kept saying over and over was ..”don’t think you don’t have a story..because you have a life and that’s your story .” I thought that was very cool, as if even the ordinary things about you are special/different/interesting to other people.
As for making memories, I think I make one every day just by taking in a moment, good or bad, one I’m proud or slightly ashamed of, but the day sticks there…reminding me.
Andra, I think just asking is the best way…”What’s your favorite memory?” “What memory has stayed with you longer than you realized?”
Plus..I’m thinking I’m going to making a pretty powerful memory next Friday afternoon. 🙂
I hope you’ll tell me all about your class, because that’s so great. I’m really excited about meeting you. xo
Of course! I promise to do some talking and more listening to you. I’m very excited too.
xo
I made a precious memory this past Saturday. One of my cousins has cancer really bad, but he is stable now. He told me he was coming to visit me on Saturday and I said okay. He came in with a new deck of cards and told me that he was going to teach me how to play Poker. I was a quick learner and we played Hold ‘em for 6 hours.
This might not seem like much to some people but we were never allowed to have cards in our home when I was growing up. And, I followed suit. Pun intended.
While playing Poker my cousin and I shared lots of family stories. Some I had not heard and I think I told him a few that he had not heard. I love this cousin so much and can hardly think of him dying because of his cancer. But, we have 6 hours of memory that we will have forever. We laughed, we cried, and we played Poker. He is semi-professional at this game and says I have the best Poker face he has ever seen. I am sure he was just flattering me. But, I have a great memory of my brave cousin and I have a great Poker Face.
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