(To honor my parents’ fiftieth anniversary, I wrote a post in my father’s voice.)
Linda and me, we celebrated our golden wedding anniversary yesterday. You know, fifty years. That woman done put up with me fifty years!
Naw, I cain’t believe it either.
And she started dropping all these hints. Weeks before, see. Like she thought I was gonna forget our fiftieth. I may be almost deaf, but I ain’t stupid.
“Ro-wee, do you like this gold bracelet? Or this one?”
I never look at none of ’em. I cain’t keep all her finery straight. “You look beautiful in anything, Linda.”
See? See? That there’s the way to keep most women happy for half-a-century.
Remember I said *most* women.
“But Ro-wee…….I think I need a DIFFERENT gold bracelet to go with this outfit. You know, a new one……..”
“Now, Linda. You know we just spent a thousand dollars replacing the batteries in my pacemaker, and I bought you that diamond ring the other day.”
“Twenty years ago, Roy.”
“Well, I spent five thousand dollars on it, so if we divide them dollars up by year, I–”
“Never mind, Roy. I’ll just do what I always do.”
“What’s that?”
“I’ll buy the gold bracelet one day after I go to the gym. I’ll leave it in the car for a couple of weeks. Then, when I wear it and you ask me if it’s new, I’ll tell you I’ve had it a while.”
The woman thinks I don’t know she’s done that trick on me for years, but before I could tell her a thing or two, she slammed the bathroom door. Even with my VA-issued hearing aids, I heard the water running into the tub. Sounded like a cascade. That Ni-a-gra Falls, even.
Well.
I rocked myself out of my recliner. That dang water always made me have to take a crap, and it didn’t matter that Linda was in the bathtub. Here’s how I crap while she’s in the same room.
Rule Number 1: Closed doors mean nothing. I barge right on in. Usually, she’s just in the tub so it don’t matter. BUT if she ain’t…..
Rule Number 2: Desperation and threats work wonders for clearing the throne. I drop my pants, pinch my butt cheeks together and fart enough to let her know it’s coming any second. She gets right on up off that pot and jumps in the tub.
Rule Number 3: Get comfortable. It don’t matter that my wife’s two feet away. I don’t need no reading material. Since Linda’s right there and all, I can tell her how she shouldn’t a fed me them pinto beans for supper.
Rule Number 4: Crack a window and blame the smell on the paper mill.
Rule Number 5: Make sure to rate the dump. “Look, Linda! I laid a golden egg for our golden anniversary!”
She still ain’t speaking to me. We might not make it to fifty-one.
***************
Thanks to everyone who sent Mom and Dad a card for their anniversary! It means a lot to them to know you read, you’re interested and you care. (And, of course, I agree with all of you who told them how great I am.)
Didn’t send a card? Share this post with a big HAHAHAHAHA!
25 Comments
We have two bathrooms, so I’ll have to wait until we’re traveling to employ Roy’s Rules.
They have two bathrooms as well, but only one has a tub. Mom won’t let Dad use her half-bath, because he grosses it up. This is partly her fault.
I think I will avoid the comments on this one. Thanks for the laugh.
I wish I were making this up, John………
Wow! Linda is surely an amazing and forgiving woman….I have such a great sense of smell that I don’t deal well with nasty smells. 😉 I make Mike use matches in his bathroom and if he ever attempted to come into the bathroom when I have the door shut (it’s only shut if company is over, or if I don’t want him to come in) he doesn’t even bother to stand outside the door – cause I will not be happy if he speaks to me when my door is shut – there’s a reason it’s shut – I don’t want him in there. Yes, this is where I go when I’m mad. 😀
I didn’t tell your parents how wonderfully well off they are to have a wonderful young lady such as you! I figured they know that already. They do don’t they? Do I need to tell them? Haha. You’re a prize Andra! And your Mom? Well, she is more than I ever thought.
Having grown up in this household, I can say I prize my alone time in the toilet. MTM is NOT allowed in there. He feels the same about me.
Only you could turn a greeting card into such hilarity! I can “hear” Roy all the way to IN and the tears are streaming!
Kim and I frequently remark that for two gals who grew up in a household of 8 bodies (and sometimes a grandmother for a few months at a time), where there was NEVER more than one bathroom, it’s small wonder we won’t share a house if it doesn’t have two baths! No waiting in line anymore! 🙂
What’s horrible is THIS IS TRUTH. Mom says she can’t go into the bathroom without Dad coming in having to take a dump. She says the bathroom can be empty for hours, but as soon as she decides to go in there, he has to go, too. And it’s always number two.
I’m glad you and Kim have your own spaces today. 🙂
So glad to hear that they enjoyed their outing and especially the blogger love! They are a part of this blogging community thanks to you. The cartoon is hilarious. I hope he does several ‘mercy’ flushes while your dear mother is in the room. 🙂 xo
Mercy flushes won’t help. Dad’s bathroom visits are nuclear-variety-toxic.
Okay, so, even if Roy cares not about being alone when he’s doing his bid-ness, I’m not understanding how Linda could stay in the tub and allow herself to be subjected to the sights, smells and sounds. I gag and run when someone farts in the same room as me. 🙂
She has to answer that one, because I don’t understand it either.
I have been so clearly bragging on Roy, but I must say, this slice of life clearly moves Linda up several notches on my admiration scale! There are limits to what love should need to endure! 🙂 Enjoy some magical traveling, Andra. You and MTM deserve a grand escape!
I agree, Debra. I don’t know how Mom puts up with this. And the grand escape will have to wait. I’ll email you, but I’m going nowhere soon. 🙁
I must really be reading too many things out of order! Sorry! I read something incorrectly, and here I was excited for you! Another time! ox
Bathroom time is solo time as far as I’m concerned but sometimes I have to block the door to make my point… I hope you all had a fantastic time together celebrating their 50 years!
At my parents’, I always lock the door. Nothing stops Dad from barging in.
Happy belated anniversary to Roy and Linda! Or perhaps I should say Happy Craptastic Anniversary! Hilarious post, Andra. Your dad makes it easy, right?
Sometimes. 🙂 He’s a mess.
happy anniversary roy and linda – and they say romance is dead – hah!
What’s weird is I think they both see this as romance……
My bathroom is my sanctuary. My husband knows to leave me alone in it. Unfortunately, my cats don’t 😉
I’m sure your parents will make it to 51 … why stop now 😉 Happy Anniversary to them!
Thankfully, MTM and I are the opposite of my parents as well. And we have no cats.
Happy 50th anniversary, Roy and Linda!!! What a wonderful milestone!
Roy, go buy your wife something beautiful. Seriously!
But that would cost money……… 😉
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