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Andra Watkins

Put It In Your Spank Bank

The scene: an outdoor cafe in Charleston, South Carolina The players: Kenneth, Carnell and me

The scene: an outdoor cafe in Charleston, South Carolina

The players: Kenneth, Carnell and me

K: So, this guy was arrested at work this morning.

A: What? Why?

C: I wondered why the elevator wasn’t working.

A: Who cares about the elevator!

K: You should, Andra, because it played a pivotal role in the story………..

Silence. Chewing. More silence.

A: Well???????????

K: What?

A: Aren’t you going to tell the story?

C: Yeah, Kenneth. I’d like to know about the elevator, too.

K: Well, this worker was in the office this morning……..working, like on some drywall or something………..and he got very, um, into this lady who worked on that floor……….and, when she looked up, he was there……….in all his glory……….pleasuring himself and leering at her………and—

A: OHMYGOD!!!! EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

K: That’s what she said, apparently………but he took off for the elevator before anyone could stop him………he pulled himself through the crack right before the doors slid shut……….rode up and down and up and down and up and down to avoid capture………they finally had to disable the elevator to go in and get him…………put the poor lady in front of the doors and stopped to let her ID him………..and here’s the thing I don’t understand………

Silence. More chewing. Still more silence.

C: What??

K: Huh?

A: What don’t you understand?

K: Why he couldn’t put that in his spank bank.

People turn around. Whisper behind hands and stare in our direction.

A: What’s a spank bank?

C: Oh, Andra. Seriously? You don’t know?

A: Um……………….no.

K: Well, you know. He could’ve filed that lovely lady’s image away…………gone home………….poured himself a beer and gotten really comfortable…………and—

A: OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! I DID NOT COME TO LUNCH WITH YOU TWO TO TALK ABOUT………ABOUT…………THAT.

K: All I’m saying is it’s what I would’ve done.

C: Yeah. Me, too.

A: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I don’t want to think about that!!! I. Am. EATING!!! Only, I’m not so hungry now……….

K: If you’re not going to finish that, I will.

C: Split it with me?

K: Sure, Man.

And I wonder why I can’t lose any more weight………………

 

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90 Comments

  2. I love your pacing with the silence and the chewing! Very funny!!

  3. Fabulous story. This one is for retelling. Absolutely top. Spank bank is too much….it’s the place for your jizz bizz….it’s endless 🙂

  4. Hilarious and I now have a new term that will come in handy )

    1. I am glad I’m not the only one who did not know what it meant, Beth.

      1. We have another dreary rainy (and cool) Sunday. I need a laugh too or else I’m going back to bed and pulling the covers over my head.

  6. I have no doubt that this conversation actually happened. hahahahahahah oh my…

        1. How could I not laugh at a stupid man who simply could not wait until he got home? I men, that story was funny, even though I felt sorry for the poor victim.

      2. Maybe his bank needed a bailout because he withdrew too much.

  8. Lies, lies, lies!! She embellished. Not only did I not say “that’s what I would have done”, I had to ask what a spank bank was. Seems Kenneth knows far more about these things that even I do. I am innocent I tell you, totally innocent.

    And we did not split your food either – you alway eat rabbit food. Well, except for when you have steak. And you never seem to be unable to finish your steak.

    1. Someone ate the bread that came with my rabbit food, and it was not me……….and you did too say that’s what you would’ve done (ie wait until you got home rather than get arrested.)

      1. I admit that I said I would have saved the info for later, not used it there. At work. In public. But I still deny knowing what a “spank bank” was until that time. And I didn’t eat your bread! I don’t think.

        Now why don’t you let the good people know about the rest of the conversation? Where you and Kenneth tried to decide on a “proper” term for the female version of a spank bank. That is where you really got going.

        Did no eat your bread.

        1. You are the one who complains about long blog posts……..I already thought this one was too long without the rest of it…………and I can’t remember what we called the female version………

    2. O, heavenly days. I can’t WAIT for the post on the female version. Furthermore, I completely believe your version, embellished or not, over the sputtering denials of your friends. “Methinks the men protest too much.”

      2. I think we were discussing the female version of cockblock, which is boxblock. Krista came up with another term the other day too you’ll have to ask her about

  9. Secret of good comedy, Andra: timing. And you have it 🙂
    Very funny post.

    1. Thank you, Kate. Only, in this case, Kenneth had the timing. He is very funny.

  11. I love how the Americans have a far more polite sounding name for this than we Brits do.

  12. I guess I need to hang out with more men. Spank Bank is new to me as a term not a concept. I always learn something new here, Um….Thanks

  13. The accompanying picture was the cherry on top of this funny bit, Andra.

    As a male, I think I can safely say that if you knew what was running through our minds at any particular moment, and the names we have for those things, we’d all be in jail.

    1. Someone commented on my blog once and said we’d be slapping men constantly if we knew those things……I’m glad we do not. 🙂

      1. Oh yeah, I don’t doubt it. Thank God we have women to keep us somewhat civilized.

  14. That is hilarious, and I learned a new term!! Hurrah for a productive Sunday – now I can do nothing for the day and still feel virtuous (almost – it is a spank bank after all!).

    1. I am so glad I am not the only one who did not know what it meant………..

  15. I am very glad I was NOT at that lunch. I would have probably either choked from laughter or offended everyone with my snorting laughter.

    1. I always laugh a lot when I go to lunch with them. And Kenneth is having a hard time getting away for lunch these days, which makes me sad. (The Naked Google Hang-out post also came from Kenneth. He is a genuine riot.)

  16. Hilarious, you should know better than to put the cyber twins together at lunch without a Chaperone.

    1. I really don’t understand what gets into the heads of some men……..oh, wait……….

  19. Never heard that one before. I’ll file that away under Useful Male Dialogue!

  20. I feel so worldly. And a little grimy.
    Snort. 😉

      1. She should have been there! Cameron needs to come on down and meet this cast of characters. She would fit right in. And I mean that in a good way.

  22. At my age I doubt I could have learned this term any other way. My adult children certainly aten’t going to tell me. But if they use the term, I’ll surprise them by being totally familiar with it!

  23. What in the Hell is wrong with you Kenneth??? You should know better than to tell someone like Andra a story like that. I would have loved to have been there just to see her eyes bug out.

  24. Andra… btw, if you can raise the level of your blogging for a moment. Have you heard of an artist named Nathan Durfee? He shows at Robert Lange.

  26. Dude should have just gone home and “shucked his corn.” Honestly. But the story would not have been as funny. Thanks for the laugh tonight.

  27. Ah, I am so proud to have helped further the education of so many people through you Andra! Very fun post, definitely makes me miss lunches even more though! One of these days!

  31. I’m playing blog post catch-up after my busy weekend, so I’m gonna pour myself some coffee and enjoy the ride. Okay, that was a poor choice of words after this blog post and that guy on the elevator. I had the same reaction–EWWWWWWWW.

  32. It is like the dirty version of filing it into your mental Rolodex. I wonder if there is still a market for Rolodexs? Or is it Rolodexes? or Rolodexi. I have lost my initial point.

    1. I watched When Harry Met Sally again the other day, and when Carrie Fisher pulled out her Rolodex, I wondered how many people still knew what it was.

      1. Just asked my 11 year old and 8 year old, and the 11 year old said, “Is that a place?” Then, “Is it tin-foil” The 8 year old said, “Is it cards, are they for learning?”

  33. *insert obligatory hammering the drywall in and jackhammer of love jokes here*

  34. Weird. I just read article about Carrie Fisher and her recent bi-polar episode, because Princess Leia and I have stuff like that in common.

    anyway, she’d be proud of this dialogue…very much so

  35. I learn something new every day! What a funny name, spank bank! This was an interesting and wild story that is really creepy, if it weren’t so hilarious, riding up and down the building to avoid capture! Haha!

  36. It was a very good story. I had no idea about this concept: Spank Bank.

      1. Yes, but it is funny that you seem free of this memory capacity. I was just reading Samuel Clemens’ Letters From The Earth, where he says: “First of all, I recall to your attention the extraordinary fact with which I began. To-wit, that the human being, like the immortals, naturally places sexual intercourse far and away above all other joys — yet he has left it out of his heaven! The very thought of it excites him; opportunity sets him wild; in his state he will risk life, reputation, everything — even his queer heaven itself — to make good that opportunity and ride it to the overwhelming climax. From youth to middle age all man and all women prize copulation above all other pleasures combined, yet it is actually as I have said: it is not in their heaven, prayer takes its place.” From Letter II

        1. I met my husband by starring in the play Mark Twain wrote for his wife. I am quite a fan of his.

          1. That is a lovely story about how you met your husband. It was one sentence long. And who are you a fan? Hubby’s or Twain’s, but doesn’t “Twain” mean both? Anyway, you have to writer that story about how you met your husband just in case, he disputes certain details. That’s always fun.

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