Post One in the writing experiment “Bored With My Bad Self.” Please click here to start the essay with its prelude.
Have you ever wandered into a group event, picked up a glass and a snack, and scanned the room for someone to talk to? Someone who gets you, who will be The Conversational Holy Grail? If you’re like me, you usually move from group to group to group and never feel like you really fit anywhere, especially if it’s a Secret Society of People Who Have Something in Common.
Take my marriage to MTM, the Architect Who Also Used to Be in Academia. Part of being a Card-Carrying Academic is giving lectures, watching lectures, and discussing the intricate possible meanings of those lectures. For HOURS and HOURS and HOURS and HOURS and HOURS. This can leave the non-architect in a bewildered stupor, grappling for anything worthy to contribute to the conversation over the course of an evening.
Especially when everyone knows you are Not One of Them as soon as you open your timid trap.
In the early days of my relationship with MTM, I tried to fit. Granted, I had no design training. I didn’t know the difference between Frank Gehry and Frank Lloyd Wright. In college, I did not stay awake for three or four consecutive years in Studio, fueling my frenzy of creativity with caffeine and Radiohead. I could not fathom their Experience, why it made them talk for hours about the Feeling of the Perfect Chair Against their Buttocks, the Extra Line That Doesn’t Need to Be There…That One…..Right There, the Assaultive and Possibly Brain-Damaging Qualities of Floral Print, and Worship at the Altar of Design Within Reach.
About the only thing that gave me any comfort at these interminable outings was the knowledge that every single one of these people would always have a pen. They might not let me touch it, or they might let me use it and hover in my personal space to make sure my ‘borrowing’ didn’t turn into ‘kidnapping their precious baby.’ Still, I knew I could take notes about the myriad incomprehensible words and phrases with the hopes of looking a few of them up when no one was around to see how much I didn’t know.
Yes, eventually I got over being intimidated by people I’ve grown to love. That fact doesn’t make me fit any better within these Secret Handshake Clubs.
Sometimes, the best way to communicate how we feel is by making the other person experience it first-hand. The tables were turned on my Architect Friend Alice several years ago. She accompanied me to a continuing education conference for Pencil-Headed Certified Public Accountants. We decided to take a wine tour of the Willamette Valley with the conference group. Alice averted her eyes as we loaded ourselves into the purple van decorated with garish painted grapes and settled in for the hour-long ride.
It was a raucous bunch. These people regaled us with stories of Shredding Parties, Little-Known Facts About the IRS, the Merit of Internal Revenue Code Section 4,325,698,235 (Z)(2,456,111)(aa)(450 to the 25th power), and Their Favorite Audits of All Time. Alice looked at me about ten minutes into the (even to me) insufferable trek. Shell-shocked horror etching her lovely, glasses-clad visage, she whispered, “Is THIS what you feel like in a room full of architects??????”
Yes.
It is.
It’s also how I feel in every conceivable convening of The Secret Society of the Uterus….
86 Comments
I imagine that we all have similar feelings of being “lost” when we are in a situation that is outside of our comfort zone. I’m sure I am totally clueless in a room of folks who know what they’re doing with computer programming, web platforms and other geeky stuff. I probably just used the term geeky incorrectly as well.
But, even though I don’t understand what they do or what they’re talking about, I can sorta understand the general gist and make small talk. People are always interested in themselves and that’s the easiest place to start with anyone. Find out what they like, where they have lived, etc,
However, those architect types are particularly strange with all their secret pens and graph paper they carry in their pockets. Wait a minute, maybe that’s just the lovely MTM, the “Shadow”.
It is disconcerting to be replying to your comment while you are sitting a table away from me. 🙂
Life throws us many circumstances to which we cannot relate. Part of wearing the big girl (or boy) pants means dealing with them.
Ah Ha, thought you might have been doing that, we’ll have to meet later where we can practice texting each other as well from the other side of the table.
I started to text you this morning, but I thought that might distract you from your presentation. Plus, I wasn’t awake yet. Lots of ‘activity’ this week around mi casa, if you get my drift…………
My personality is such that I feel like an outsider even when I shouldn’t, so I sympathize with the non knitters and crocheters who visit the knit shop downtown and sit in on our brand of knitsanity.
I suspect lots of these people really enjoy being around people who are passionate about something, Vera. I always enjoy watching you knit and hearing you talk about knitting and crocheting. I probably wouldn’t sit in on an hours-long discussion about it, but the passion of people like you for something is what invites others to join.
I second that!
It’s not just knitting, we talk about everything. Patrick says that we are a rough crowd at the yarn shop.
Just in case anyone is interested in a little knitspeak, here’s my post from Home EC 101 yesterday…
http://www.home-ec101.com/how-to-be-a-fabulous-knittercrocheter-talk-the-talk/
I loved this post, Vera. I had no idea that sex applied to knitting………
Stash Enhancement Expedition….OH MY!! You KAL’s are da cwazzzy folks for sure.
I must give you massive amounts of credit….when I go to such “outings” I come in, look around, find a corner and observe, but rarely participate unless someone comes to me. I love to observe people, but not participate…most of the time. Kudos to you Andra!
In most of these situations, Lori, I observe without participating. It really depends upon the other person/people. Some of them really try to include me in the conversation, and others do their very darnedest to make sure I know I am Not One of Them, no matter how polite I am or how interested I seem.
Wow! That is the second time this week that trip has come to mind. I remember that lost feeling, although it was quickly dulled by the various Oregon pinots we sampled. I wish I could remember the one we tried with the dark chocolate – it was heaven! I appreciate the “lovely, glasses clad visage” line – it makes my week! Its amazing you put up with us pen wielding archigeeks.
You know, my biggest memory from that outing, besides what I put in the post, was playing fetch with the dog at one of the vineyards. I felt so out of place in that group of people with the same letters behind their names, that I resorted to playing with a dog. If you had not been there, I either would’ve hitchhiked back to the hotel or climbed into one of the vats of wine and drunk my way out.
A group of accountants?!? That would be horrifying. Kind of like my poor wife when she attends my geek gatherings I would assume. She always has either a very long suffering look or the deer in the headlight look. What makes geek gatherings worse is that many of them lack some basic social skills. But, since they are used to being the ones left out they can also be rather accommodating at times. If they want to be.
I will admit to feeling like that often. When I went to a women’s conference as a speaker – being one of very few males was bewildering. When I went to a – shudder – Rotary meeting… felt very out of place. Oh, and when I go anywhere that they think I should wear a tie. Well, that is kind of like a Rotary meeting i guess.
I wore jeans to Rotary this morning, Carnell, and Grand Poobah Lou did not even raise an eyebrow. He was rewarded with homemade pretzels. One of my missions in life is to prove that all Rotary clubs are not stuffy groups of old men.
I love me some geek gatherings. Kenneth tells me all the time that I’m one of you, and I know he’s just being nice to me, because I have no clue what you’re talking about 97% of the time. But, it’s nice to be included.
Dammit! Why am I never around when the pretzels get distributed?!? I was at the doctor this morning, and missed Rotary, so guess I’ll just have to stalk you and mug you next time you leave the house with pretzels…
Amber, Amber….ya snooze, ya lose. BWAA HAAA HAAA.
Prestzel delight for lunch, YUMMMMMM!!!
Carnell, you would have fun at our Rotary Club and we even have a couple of geeks, they come in handy when the projector, computer and flashy thingys don’t want to cooperate. You can be my guest anytime…Wednesdays at Noon at the MP Holiday Inn. I never wear a tie and hardly anyone except a couple of lawyers and Banker types wear ties.
Amber, I brought the pretzels for you. A sack for you and a sack for Debbie. I am sorry I didn’t verify whether or not you’d be there in advance. I know your delicate condition requires other things of you these days, and I feared you might not make it because of a poor night’s sleep or a doctor visit. When you didn’t come, Lou was happy to grab them from my grubby hands and run out the door with them………..
Andra, that is enormously kind of you to have brought me pretzels, even if Lou did run off with my bootie. Thank you
I might come and take Lou up on his offer… if there were pretzels. And I could wear jeans. And no tie. 😉
But I don’t promise not to text the presenter while they are presenting – just to check and see if they have turned off their phone you understand.
Amber, I will make a whole batch just for you. I just need to let the starter sit for a couple of days. 🙂
Carnell, imagining you and Lou in the same Rotary Club is making my head hurt…………….
Watching your head explode with Lou and I there together, arm in arm, might well be worth it!
I avoid any and all situations requiring blood flow restrictors (ties) whenever possible – my brain needs all the oxygen it can get. Back when I worked in the corporate world we engineers all figured this lack of blood flow to the brain was the explanation for management behavior.
I have to second Lou’s proselytizing comment above, Bill. Rotary does not require blood flow restrictors. Both mine and Lou’s clubs only require that people wear clothes that cover up the right things, and even then, I fail. I wrote a comment on another blog yesterday about how I once showed up at the meeting (because, have I mentioned lately that I am NOT awake before noon, even if it seems like I am) with my dress unzipped in the back. Who knows how many people I talked to before a man – not my husband or my boyfriend or anyone I wanted touching me – came up behind me and zipped it up. Mortifying, but I wasn’t expelled from the club for forgetting to finish my coiffure.
Many clubs I have been in would welcome you in that condition Andra…
Again, I was not expelled from the club.
i feel like that in pretty much any group i stumble into
even when i’m at a conference where i’m among my “peers”, most of those I encounter are what i would call the “elder statesmen” who have reputations that precede them.
however, i’ve never really been very good at or comfortable with integrating myself into groups
Eugene, I always think you say some of the funniest things. You’re measured with what you say, and you dole it out judiciously, but it is ALWAYS worth it.
The secret society of the uterus 😀 Even when carrying kids I was convinced I was doing it wrong. I’m the one they all tut at at the school gate. I puzzle and perplex them and they scare the bejeezers out of me. I’ll never be one of them, so I have become an eccentric rebel with an ironing pile the size of a small volcano. I’m not even sure if this is what you refer to. But if it is, solidarity, sister…
Kate, I think you just inducted yourself into The Secret Society of Andra’s Best and Dearest Friends, and I’ve never even met you. Your solidarity will come in handy as this little essay rambles on.
I look forward to it….
Bravo Kate! I feel the same way. I feel like I’ve read all 4,325,698,235(Z)(2,456,111)(aa)(450 to the 25th power) books about babies and parenting and have never felt more in the dark … or more alone.
Gosh, there are a few of us, then?
Ladies,
Try being a Dad at the playground during, the horror, work hours…even I began to think I was a serial killer and kidnapper…
Great, Robert. Maybe my blogging experiment will inspire a series of posts on your blog on that very topic, though I *think* Abigail has outgrown the playground.
I loved the book “Little Children” because I am Sick And Twisted. I identified with that dad on the playground more than you know, but probably not as much as you would. The playground part. Not where the book ultimately went.
I think we’ve all been there…it’s the worst feeling ever to walk into a room and think: “I hope someone talks to me!” Hence, why there is wine at most events. 🙂 It cuts the edge just enough so that you don’t feel 100% like that kid at the high school dance wishing you had a date. (Hypothetically speaking, of course.) No joke, my first boss used to take me to networking events where she knew a ton of people and would then throw me to the wolves. I think her theory was sink or swim! Thank goodness we all grow up to find that while that feeling of insecurity still very much exists, it’s now coupled with a big ‘ol dose of “whatever, we’re all just people.” And in case you wondered, A, you’ve got more secret handshakes that open conversations and doors than most of us!
Melissa, I’m just thankful for friends like you. And, I can’t imagine you in any other position than working a room and spreading your happy fairy dust behind you. There’s a big reason why everyone loves you….you make it impossible for anyone to help themselves. xo
You may be the sweetest person I know. Thank you for my Tuesday ego boost. xoxoxo
Really, Dear. I am counting the seconds until December. It makes me so happy to know that I’m going to see you. I miss you more than I ever let on.
Andra, there is indeed a secret society of the uterus and some of our gender gleefully guard the gate, archly raising their metaphorical brows as they squint at one to see if she will “pass.”
I love my children. Yes, the world does look different after they are born. Is it hard for others to understand? Not so much. And yet, those of us who have been/are mothers can be unthinking when we are around those who (choose to) have no children. I don’t think it is deliberate, it’s just that we’ve crossed the Child-Free River of Styx, and have forgotten all life as we know it, or so we tell ourselves, brainwashing one another.
Years ago I was introduced to the works of Dr. John Rosemond http://www.rosemond.com/ and his pragmatic advice for parents.
Then there are those who preach the gospel of “you must have a baby.” God help me never to be one of them. Bringing children into this world is a choice that is not to be taken lightly, and yet, it is, by many. So those who have no children by choice know what they are doing. And the rest of us just better respect the fact that they know themselves!
To some, it’s strange that my older son has been married 5 years and doesn’t have children. When and if they choose to have a child, then, I’ll congratulate them. If they choose not to, then I’ll be happy that they know what’s best for themselves in their lives. NOT mine.
I meant to say about John Rosemond that he is all about the marriage first and children somewhere else down the line. He as the most sane approach to being a parent. I recommend him.
I don’t “hold” with those who say that we abdicate person when we become parents, sacrificing our lives on altar of “our children.” We are still people and those very small infants grow up to be people with lives of their own. And then where are we? If we are true to ourselves, then we’re still the people we were when we chose to become parents. Not strangers to ourselves.
Yes, we may forget what it’s like to be able to stay out late, to not wash clothes or plan to feed others. We forget the freedom not “tending” to another human other than ourselves, but we must never forget our essential personhood, separate and apart from our children. To do so is a self-violation.
Amen. End of sermon.
I would sit in your congregation any day, preacher Cheryl. 🙂
Thanks, Angie!
Really well said, Cheryl. I guess I am a bit of a hybrid as I have a daughter from my practice marriage and no children with the lovely Miss TK. That is the way we want it and over time people come to respect that choice. My daughter also does not want children, she has dogs, cats and teaches Pre-K school so she stays plenty busy with “youngens”.
Cheryl, you defined things well in your comments. Thank you.
Ummm…. “secret society of the uterus”?? Sorry, Cootchieland sounded like lots more fun. 😛
They are different things, you understand.
Kinda. Maybe.
Who would have guessed? Certainly not I. Although it’s been many years since our paths first crossed, I always had the impression you were very comfortable in your skin; projecting confidence, knowledge, professionalism, and concern for those around you.
I, on the other hand, for many years generally just avoided those gatherings/situations where I felt out of my element. It was easier. Not necessarily conducive to personal growth, but easier . . . Thankfully, I got somewhat beyond that over time, but doubt I’ll ever be fully at ease in a social situation where I imagine myself to be “less” — “imagine” being the operative word. 🙂
Today, I’m imagining much about what the final remark in your post might portend, and anxious to see where this week-long essay is headed.
Karen, forgive my mi-fi induced tardiness in responding to comments today. I am now in a Super Secret Location (read MTM’s office) hijacking his internet connection so that I can get some work done and finish responding to what’s here.
You are kind to say what you have. I remember those days well, and I felt anything but confident or knowledgeable or professional. But, I met some great people like you, and I learned a lot.
I think we were, quite possibly, swimming against a strong current in those days. We did, however, prevail! 🙂
Karen, things all turned out the way they were supposed to. But, yes, it was a strong current.
“Conceivable” and “uterus.” Har!
Annie went with me to a microbiologist’s convention. Later, watching an episode of Friends, i asked (rhetorically, people) can you think of anything duller than a paleontologist’s convention? and the only sound was her head swiveling her face around toward me.
I just realized I forgot to remember what the rules of engagement are. ARGH! Will I be met with tersity?
Roxanne
Roxanne, my mom is a microbiologist. I feel Annie’s pain. Acutely.
Roxanne, I laughed out loud at your comment. I needed it. Desperately. You are a Smart Person, and you know why, I suspect. 🙂
People who make me laugh never get terseness from me.
P.S. about the SSoU. SO BORING. I was in it, and it bored me even then. Ditto to the SSotLB (Lactating Boob). All mammals make milk – get over yourself.
LOVE that comment!
See my reply above. 🙂
I’m stil trying to figure out the secret handshake. Some folks just naturally know how to fit in to any given situation, I am not one of those people. I recently had to accompany my husband to a social gathering at his new job. He was called away to take care of some school business of one kind or another, leaving me alone in that sea of unknown characters. First, I tried the food table, trying to strike up a conversation with anyone who would talk to me. After five minutes of stuffing myself with cheese and crackers, I turned to the wine. One drink is truly my limit or I turn into a blabbering idiot. I found someone to talk to me and glommed onto that person for the rest of the night, grateful for her kindness in rescuing me from my own personal nightmare. It’s kind of like being back in middle school (shudder)! I anxiously await the next installment of the blog.
Me too. For years I have played the part of the extrovert…but really what I am is a a people-vert; enjoying the individuals at an event…but when I first walk into a room full of people I don’t know, I just want to turn around are run out. It is so hard to force myself to just march in there and find a conversational partner.
Jill, what’s so funny is that, eons ago when we worked together, I don’t know how we ever got any work done. I LOVED talking to you. You challenged me to see things from different perspectives. You didn’t always say what I wanted to hear. You talked about engaging things, at least to me.
What’s really tragic is that, in so many of these sorts of gatherings, people seek to be interesting instead of being interested. It sounds like you found someone who was interested, and those people deserve special stars in their crowns.
I love page turners… it’s what great novels are made of. 🙂 Give us more, more!
I cannot believe I talked to you for a solid hour on the telephone today. Me, who cannot stand the phone. Looking forward to seeing you in person soon.
I thought about that before I texted you. 🙂 Thank you for the spontaneous “visit.” I needed it and had a much better day because of it.
Thanks (to everyone) for another reminder that I am not alone in my feelings.
Anyone who says they don’t feel this way on some level is tell you a story……..
I have lost my voice today, so I seem to be taking my internal build-up of words out on the blog’s comment section. Sorry all.
Andra, I often find myself in the situation. Even more so now that my networking/small-talk skills seem to be deteriorating. My built-in insecurity always pipes up in that situation: “Shouldn’t you know more about this topic? Why didn’t you scan some articles before this meeting/reception/conference so you’d have something to talk about, rather than letting these people know you’re an uninformed dullard?” Shut up, little voice.
My default seems to be to ask them questions or make leading comments that allow them to hold forth … “Did you have to travel to learn that technique?” “Wow, that must have been hard to master.” “Who is considered to be the authority in that field?”
Then I make up movies in my head about their personal lives (imagined domestic dramas, sexual picadillos, etc) while their mouths move. This is sometimes the only way I keep both my sanity and self-esteem intact.
too funny….”while their mouths move”…
I don’t think our networking/small-talk skills deteriorate as we age, Amber. I think our tolerance for the bull-sh** charade that surrounds so much of it wanes. I come home from some outings, and MTM can tell just by what I choose to drink how bad it was or how ostracized I felt. I have so little time to spend with people, and I want to invest that time in people who don’t make me feel that way. People like you. 🙂 xo
Exactly. What my wonderful supportive knitting group said last week – reaching the age of “don’t give a damn for the BS charade”. Life’s too short.
And, I agree with Lou. Your comment is hilarious. I’m going to use it…….
Weird moment, because this is the TED talk I watched yesterday:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/thandie_newton_embracing_otherness_embracing_myself.html
And related to, in a “that was my life” sensation (at least until Ms. Newton got to age 16 where the beautiful, successful actress part kicked in!)
And I must apologise, since I am sure I am guilty of SSoU offences…I know I am very child-centric. Yet there is excelusion there too – the SSoU is itself divided into many sub strata of SS, which can be easily as impregnable – definitely the aforementioned SSotLB, and then the SS of Natural Birth and so on and on and on… all equally exclusionary, I think, and seemingly designed to make the outsider feel as if they just don’t “make the grade”.
Thanks for tackling another toughie, Andra, and being the catalyst in making us think and admit once again. I await tomorrow’s inbox.
Oh, Amanda. Just hang with me.
You are NOT guilty of SSoU offenses. Your daughters are lovely, and so are you.
Incidentally, Kate (a new participant above) writes a blog. She lives in Berkshire, and she has a daughter named Maddie. Her blog is an exquisite dose of England, as well as other things, and I think of you almost every time I read it.
I fear it’s going to get ‘toughie-er’ before it gets easier. Thank you for being so supportive. xo
I’ll never understand the Secret Society of the Uterus. I always thought I woud one day have children. When you are around a group of women, more so than a group of men, conversations tend to revolve around their childen. And while I love some of their childen like my own and am truely interested, I find myself talking a lot about my nieces, nephew, great niece and nephew just to have something to add to the conversation. It can be lonely.
On the other hand, it’s wonderful with just the two of us.
Can’t wait for the next installment!
I hear you. Believe me. I hear you. 🙂
I’m out of town so I’m a bit behind. I ALWAYS feel like I’m the odd person out. One of the reasons I am is that I am hearing impaired. People don’t want to repeat themselves and I feel terrible asking them to do so. So, basically, if we are at a gathering of people I tend to try to stay at Lou’s elbow because he knows I have difficulty hearing others. He will always repeat things for me. When I am at a gathering by myself, well, I tend to entertain myself by looking at the artwork on the wall, books in a bookshelf, etc.
In regard to the Secret Society, well, I haven’t got the foggiest idea. Baby slober makes me nauseous, and please do not make me change a diaper. I don’t know what women mean when they say their clock is ticking….mine never has. Nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood to affect me this way. Children are great, as long as I can give them back. I was once called a terrible person for not wanting children “as that is what God intended for women” or so I have been told (at a Christmas Party!!! with coworkers!).
As I look around and meet different people, it’s amazing to me how many woman are a part of this Society…….different reasons, different lifestyles. Does it make us bad people? Well, no. It’s just a different path I have chosen for myself.
I hope you’re enjoying your trip.
You never have to feel terrible asking me to repeat myself. Please do, because I won’t mind at all.
I always love those women who think they have a right to tell me how I ‘should’ be living my life, a fundamental part of the SSoU creed. The SSoU is the boil on the butt of motherhood.
Having just seen Teresa’s response, I am compelled to make another comment. I am continually amazed how many women are a part of that Secret Society only because they felt they SHOULD be, or were careless, not because they will be, or are good, nurturing, loving mothers. I applaud any woman who knows herself well enough to understand whether membership in that group is to be sought or not.
I don’t think membership in the SSoU should ever be sought, Karen. Wanting to become a mother or becoming a mother isn’t the same thing as becoming a member of the SSoU. But, we’ll talk more about that later this week perhaps.
I will need to think of a name for the faction of which I spoke. 🙂 I certainly agree that the branch which you write about is nothing to which I would aspire. Looking forward to continuing this journey.
More often then not, I feel like I don’t belong in any group of people larger than three, even when it is a group that is supposedly made of my peers.
This led up to the post for the following day, but that probably makes sense to you now.
Yup, one step ahead of you. Reading as quickly as I can. 🙂
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