Wham. Bam. Thank you, Ma’am! Story of my life these days. I invade a town for a day or several. I show myself and my stuff to anyone who will listen, and I take money for the pleasure I give.
And I give A LOT of pleasure.
Seriously.
Some people tell me I’m the best they’ve ever had.
Friends think I lead an exotic life. Enticing even. A grown-up good time.
I give them a little wink with a side of “don’t you wish you were me?” But when you mix pleasure and pay, you also get to be on the receiving end of a bit of call girl confessional…such as the
Top 10 Things
People Say to Avoid Paying for The Pleasure I Give
10. “You can put her book back. I have it at home. I’ll loan it to you so you don’t have to buy it.”
9. “You want to do a program at my book store? Seriously? Why would anybody come?”
8. “You talk funny.”
7. “I’m sure anyone who says your books are good is just being nice.” – Actual comment by Actual Bookstore Owner who makes money selling books written by Actual Authors
6. “Really. I’m going to sit here and speed read your memoir while you give your talk, and after I’ve put my fingerprints all over it and bent the cover, I’m going to hand it back to you and tell you I can’t buy it.”
5. Person: “I only read e-books.” Me: “I have e-books available everywhere. Here’s a card.” Person: “I only read e-books that aren’t yours.”
4. Bookstore Manager: “Allow me to explain the concept of consignment. You don’t get paid until we sell your book, and it’s your job to bug the shit out of us to discover when we sell your book. Maybe, if you bug us enough, we’ll even tell you.” Me: “See those letters behind my name? I aced the consignment and accounts receivable questions on the CPA Exam.” Bookstore Manager: “What’s a CPA?”
3. “We require a free copy of your book to evaluate it for our inventory.”…………..She says as she opens her own Amazon bookstore page to offer the free book for sale.
2. Person: “I read my friend’s copy of your memoir. I really loved it. So many parts spoke to me. You’re really an amazing writer.” Me: “Great! Would you like to buy a copy for your library?” Person: *Snicker* “No.”
1. “I’ll come back and buy one after I’ve made my political rounds.” Spoken by a certain United States Congressman and former governor who told his underlings he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he was really screwing his mistress. And guess what?
He never came back.
For the next week or so, I’m going to give updates on where I’ve been. What I’ve been doing. When I have time to read a screen, the messages I’ve been getting. Because in spite of how unknown authors can often feel used, I have towns of people to thank, stories to share and memories to celebrate.
And if anybody knows Neil Gaiman, share today’s picture with him, won’t you? Please? Because my story’s clearly about to fall down with her legs wide open for some Neil Gaiman……..
What’s the worst thing someone’s
said to you lately?
How did you reply?
Get your copies of To Live Forever: An Afterlife Journey of Meriwether Lewis and Not Without My Father: One Woman’s 444-Mile Walk of the Natchez Trace by heading to my
31 Comments
Holy #$%%! Lev Grossman, Andra Watkins and Neil Gaiman in one picture. I am verklempt!
I always loved the verklempt skits.
Verklempt!
https://youtu.be/PDXEgBh0TF0
I loved both of your books! I even purchased them. People are crazy not to buy your book! I’m actually excited to have your books on my library shelf and looking forward to adding to them!
Many people don’t try new things or take risks, Shannon. You’re not one of them. And thank you for buying and reading (and sending me lovely messages).
Remember the head spinning scene from The Exorcist? That!! I absolutely cannot believe some of this, particularly numbers 7 and 4!!
I guess you have to develop the hide of an elephant, Andra. Personally, I think I’d also be sure to have said elephant’s memory when it came to certain bookstores. That’s me, however, and I know you’re being gracious regardless of the frustrations. Hugs.
Karen, I’ve reached the point where I just laugh at these things. I can’t do anything else. I certainly can’t say anything back to these people, or I’ll be the horrible person who’s talked about and shunned in places where I’d like to be. So, hide of an elephant. Yes.
I’m a little bit enraged for you just reading these comments, Andra. I want to scream “what’s wrong with people!” but I realize I already say that all too frequently. I commend you on every possible level for putting yourself out there and even being willing to continue. I am a bit of a broken record when it comes to responding to you and each time saying that I admire you…but it’s the truth! I do!
And I want the Raymond Carver book. 🙂
Putting oneself through this is the path to wherever I’m supposed to be. I hope that’s where I want to be, but we’ll see. I put this stuff here to move on, and I really laughed writing this post.
I will be chuckling all day. Lately: Agent: “I didn’t connect with the writing.” Me: “Thanks for your condor.” Agent: “You mean candor?” Me: “No. I meant condor, an almost extinct scavenger.”
Gosh! I love your response!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FABULOUS!
I read this earlier today, Jim. I was eating lunch at a communal table, and I think I spat some wine on my neighbor. Laughing.
Oh. My. God!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe that people actually say this to you. I am so depressed that there are this many idiotic and ignorant people. I’m telling you I’d be flabbergasted and would have to say something! I’m shocked and disgusted. I’m sorry Andra. I’d be so discouraged if I were you. I LOVE your books. I’d have myself cloned for you…but I’m not sure the world could handle more than one of me at a time. :-/ How can I help you?
I could’ve listed more, but ten was enough. Usually, I’m so stunned people would say such things to another human……..I can’t think of good comebacks until three or four hours later. So I try to laugh. I cry when I must.
And there will never be another you, Lori. Not because the world couldn’t handle it, but because you’re too unique. 🙂
Ouch, Ouch, Ouch and Ouch!!
Yep. Fun times.
I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and a woman came up to me and said, “I hear you wrote a book.” Yes, I did,” I said back. She went away and then came back in a few minutes. “I hear it’s pretty good.” “Some say it is,” I said. ” I hope so I just borrowed it from my girlfriend over there and if it’s not good I’ll let you know.” “Okay, you do that. Bye now.” Still haven’t heard.
I want to smack those people. I mean, you’re too cheap to buy the freaking thing, but you think you have a right to judge it anyway? I know. I know. I’m stupid.
All 10 made me ragey, but #7… What in the actual fuck??? How did you hold yourself back from a physical assault on this ass hat?
Seriously, I was stunned senseless. Mute. I’ll never set foot in her bookstore again, and I’ll never recommend anyone else visit.
Man-oh-man, some people really suck. What a thing to say, I say, to everything on your list. Love the CPA comeback, but honestly how stupid are these people? It baffles and saddens me.
Everyone isn’t like this. I’ve met more good than bad. But the really bad zing enough to cancel out all the good some days.
Ugh, Andra people can be so awful… I hope there have been a few good eggs in the bunch and I’m really looking forward to more updates from the road.
Many, many more good eggs than bad, Lisa.
these are all absolutely insane. what is wrong with people?
I did have a great comeback for number 8. “You sound funny to me, too.” (I was in upper Mass.)
So nice to see you curled up next to Neil Gaiman and Lev Grossman in a . . . er . . . literary sense. 🙂
BEST reply to this post! 😀
Oh my word! I can’t believe some people can be so rude!!
Damn. Neil Gaiman. That’s some lovely table real estate.
I find it particularly bothersome that someone from MA commented on your accent. We are poked fun at across the world for our bizarre accent. (Cahs, pahkin’, Hahvahd Yahd, etc.) You’d think there’d be some self-awareness there.
Also? Thank you for some bolstering as I head out into this strange world of hocking ones wares. I’ll keep your amazing elephant hide in mind when the haters open their mouths.
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